Visual Thoughts

Trust

2012-01-03T15:52:00.000-08:00

Trust means you're ready to risk what you currently have.

Mevlana Rumi (1207 - 1273)

for a new beginning

2012-01-01T19:42:00.000-08:00

for a new beginning

In out of the way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

~ John O'Donohue ~

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

~ J.S. Foer ~

Of Love and Introspection

2011-12-23T14:03:00.000-08:00

It is not often that I am asked "What does it mean to love/be in love?" This question was brought up in a very blunt and surprising setting not too long ago (this week) and as I ponder it more and more I realize that I have so many answers and many experiences to draw from. Consequently, I feel the need to write them down. It is all still a jumble in my head so let's get organized. None of this is earth-shattering or new, I just feel as though "2011: Year of Change", has really impacted me in this particular area and I would like to clarify my thoughts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all started with being told when I was 18 that love is a choice. You simply choose to love someone or not.

Then, someone said that love is simply the reflection of yourself in another person. You love them because you love yourself and see yourself in them.

I have also been told that love is total acceptance of another person. Not trying to change anything about them, but simply appreciating them as another person with all their beauty and flaws.

Interesting.

Often I find that we fall in love someone because we love the 'idea' of them. We have this grand perspective of who they are and conjure up a personality that we think they have and when it is proven wrong we get upset and fall out of love. I find this to be true with both friendship and romance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So what did I say to this exceedingly deep question? I boiled it down to these main ideas and we rambled on for quite some time about it. Here is a more focused summary:

~ I feel as though love is based on respect. It is not just about total acceptance of another person. You have to uphold yourself and if you let go of all opinion or sense of self then you can lose yourself in that person. When you respect someone you have still created the boundaries of your own personality and asked them to do the same. Mutual respect is absolutely necessary for love to grow. Because respecting doesn't just mean accepting the other person, it means you encourage them to be themselves in all aspects of life - hobbies, emotions, lifestyle, opinions, etc - and you ask them to do the same for you.

~ Trust comes from respect, but is still an element that deserves it's own spot. Positive emotions grow from trusting another person. Nothing kills love faster than jealousy, neediness, co-dependence, or demanding 'things'. When was the last time that someone demanded something from you were you thrilled to oblige? Also, when you trust someone then their actions are not questioned nor is their love. It creates a feeling of simply knowing. Trust creates comfort and love resides where there is comfort.

~ Communication then can happen once respect and trust are established. And I don't mean the kind of communication that is based on 'you should' or 'I want' - rather the kind that creates more understanding and growth in the relationship. Sometimes it comes in the form of asking their likes, or being able to stand up for something that you need in order to be fulfilled. But always, it comes back to not having any guilt attached to the communication and what does that mean? Respect.

~ It is difficult to have love without passion. You could say passion in the intimate and physical chemistry sense of the word, but in terms of loving a friend you still have passion - even if you will never make it to the bedroom =). That other person sparks a part of you that isn't often touched. It could be a sense of humor, shared delight in climbing trees, being spontaneous, eating gelato, discussing politics, or live music - no matter what it is there is a little extra brightness between you that isn't created with other people.

Again, I know none of these things are new ideas. They are simply thoughts manifesting themselves and being put into practice in so many areas of my life. It was fun to be asked this question by someone I hardly knew. They had no idea I have been giving it serious thought for the past oh, say, year and a half. Thanks.

"I’ve done everything in my life that I’ve wanted to do except just give and feel love for my living. And I don’t mean like: Roman-candle-firework-Hollywood-hot-pink-love. I mean like: I-got-your-back-love!"

2011: Year of Sophomore Albums that Don't Suck

2011-11-27T10:04:00.001-08:00

Usually a sophomore album is forgettable...pale in comparison to the original release...shallow and overproduced...less of the artist and more of the company that snatched them up.
However, 2011 has proved me wrong three different times. And this is a time when I am perfectly happy being completely wrong. If you have more follow-up releases that you would like to make note of pleeeease share!!

1. Bon Iver - Bon Iver

Holy balls, Justin has a voice and a sound that better not go away anytime soon. I was so in love with For Emma, Forever Ago I had serious doubts about his self-titled album that came out right before I left for Roadtrip of Winning. The album quickly became my soundtrack and I can't hear any of the tracks without daydreaming of solitude and the open road.

2. Florence + the Machine - Ceremonials

Could this woman get any more fucking epic? I don't think so. Sweeping melodies, full choirs, diverse instrumentation, and lyrics that tug at the heart. I was braced for mediocrity, or a bunch of songs that just sound the same...and was met with exactly the opposite. She keeps her sound, and yet shows artistic growth at the same time. Beautiful.

3. Drake - Take Care

I have a soft spot for Drake. He could be just another pretty face on the pop charts. No, he isn't. He has hooks, a unique sound, and can spin a lyric that makes you want to hit repeat. Switching back and forth between rap and singing with a liquidity that makes me * swoon *. I am digging his second album almost as much as his first. Can't wait to see where this kid goes...

Drake // Marvin's Room ( Official Video ) by AROBAISE

Stress-Hardy and Resiliant

2011-10-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

During an extremely random search on the psychology behind smiles (don't ask) I stumbled on this blog. Written by a woman I would love to meet someday, she outlines what she finds to be traits of people who can say "Stick it." to the stress and changes in life and make shit happen in a positive and healthy way. How is your stress-hardiness?

On another, somewhat related note, I watched the movie Invictus for the first time this weekend. Damn, that is a good movie.

Traits of Stress-Hardy, Resilient People
1. They have a sense of meaning, direction, and purpose. They are value-centered rather than reactive and defensive. They understand that emotions are great sources of energy and motivation but are often poor guides for action. Instead these people use their values as guidesThey realize that the quality of our lives depends on how we focus our energy and our attention. They try to align their thoughts and actions with their values. They know how to motivate themselves to take action.

2. They don’t judge themselves or others harshly when things go wrong. They focus on what they want, not on what they don’t want.

3. They are able to tolerate ambiguity, uncertainty, and imperfection. They have a long-range perspective, so they give themselves and others room to grow. They can afford to be resilient, flexible, and creative because they are centered in their values.

4. They are reasonably optimistic and have a sense of humor. Even though they are dedicated to doing things well, they don’t take themselves too seriously.

5. They take responsibility for their mental programming, their emotions, and their actions. If they have ineffective ways of thinking and behaving, they evaluate them and make appropriate changes.

6. They look at adversity as a challenge rather than as a threat. They realize that no matter how the present situation turns out, they will learn and grow from it.

7. They respect themselves and other people. They have a spirit of cooperation, looking for win-win solutions rather than trying to win over other people or ignoring their own wants and needs because of fear.

8. They are grateful for the good things in their lives.

9. They know how to mourn the inevitable losses in life. They know how to let go of things they have no control over.

http://stresstopower.com/blog/traits-of-stress-hardy-resilient-people/

How does she do that?

2011-10-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

Billie. Damn, that girl knows what's up.

Between...
her insistently mellow timbre.
and
lyrics that tug you both ways.

She evokes that which you forgot
and
that which you dare not remember.

Decisions

2011-09-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

"Much suffering, much unhappiness arises when you take each thought that comes into your head for the truth. Situations don't make you unhappy. They may cause you physical pain, but they don't make you unhappy. Your thoughts make you unhappy. Your interpretations, the stories you tell yourself make you unhappy." ~Tolle

What are you deciding to believe today?

The Automnal Equinox & 108

2011-09-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

Why, hello there, Fall. It is so great to see you, finally. You and your weather that mellows and calms. Temperatures that call for scarves, hot tea, and a cozy blanket. I welcome you alongside many others in an ancient tradition of sun salutations. Three sets of 6 -- plank, lunar, warrior 1.

The first round of 18 was delightful. A warm up.
The second round of 18 poured sweat out of pores I didn't know existed.
The third round of 18 was a release. The focus and intensity of martial arts that I haven't felt in years. The familiar measured and careful movement of dance. The emotion of contentment. Only breath and movement.

I didn't make it 108 tonight, so 54 will have to do. We just didn't have enough time...maybe in March I will be up to the challenge.

Why 108 Sun Salutations?
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/02/why-108-sun-salutations/

changing seasons, changing music

2011-09-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

It's about time for a music collection update. My recent trip to NC reminded me how much I love good country. The kind that isn't processed and run through the pop ringer. The kind of music that tells a good story, pulls your heart strings, and every instrument has a distinct voice. Some artists/groups I was already familiar with, and some were introduced over the course of three days in the quiet, back-country mountains of western North Carolina. A place I would like to one day call home.

Ryan Bingham - Hallelujah
First listen of his album Junky Star and I am hooked.

Old Crow Medicine Show - Wagon Wheel
I heard this song forever ago, so it was not a new discovery, just a new addition to my library. Even though this song is clearly about NC, all I can think of is Colorado when I hear it.

Jason Isbell - Razor Town
How I never heard him before I have no clue. I will be doing my damnest to see him in Athens in October.

Steve Earle - This City
What a beautiful homage to New Orleans.

And so the variety of my music collection grows...more to come soon.

Why I paid for ULHS

2011-09-11T14:37:00.000-07:00

I dig ULHS. I dig it so hard. I dig the energy, the authenticity, the music (duh), and the organic nature of the entire event. Only having attended the last three, I might not exactly be the most qualified person to review the event, but as someone who has attended a great deal of events, and this one before it moved to Nola, I feel as though I might have a fairly solid perspective.

Disclaimers aside, I am here to explain why I paid for a full ticket - which seems to be one of the major points of discussion about the event. I was conversing with a close friend about attending and they were hesitant about buying the full pass. My bottom line was in regards to two major points - music, and the organizer.

ULHS brings it in terms of music. Hard. Which is not surprising since it is in New Orleans, the birthplace of some of the best damned Jazz music in the country. As someone who understands the bill behind booking live music I am all about supporting this trend in our scene.

Amy Johnson has heart. She is in it for the love of the event. She gets it. Three words. Happy. People. Dancing. She is willing to throw herself out on a limb to see that the dream is pulled off. The event has evolved and changed due to a new home, and she doesn't appear to be stifling it - rather encouraging the direction it is going. It seems to be more of a break-in event, a lot more organic, and 'rootsy'. Which is something that I dig so hard about it. I attended in 08 and it was awesome -- but '09 and '10 were simply ridiculous. I tell everyone I know to attend this event for those three words. You will be happy. You are going to meet new people. You are going to dance your feet off. (You are also going to find that your bedtime has nothing to do with day or night, cool kids ride bikes, and dancing in a 2ft x 2ft area is quite possible)

As an event organizer I really appreciate the insanity that goes into an event of this magnitude. I would never want to do it myself, but I really admire and want to support people that make it happen.

So, with these two things in mind, I happily pay for a ticket to an event that is pushing the boundaries of being a structured dance weekend and a 4-5 day party that takes over the French Quarter. Thank you, Amy, and all the other people that work so hard to keep the spirit of ULHS alive. I can't wait to submit my request for two personal days and make my sub plans =)

Be here now

2011-09-07T18:41:00.000-07:00

I want to wake up to whispering trees.
To mellow sunlight washing patterns of morning over the covers.
The reassuring chorus of crickets.
Plops of rain as they find their way through fresh foliage to the moist earth ...

...and the feeling of your arms as they wrap around me with a gentle, comfortable, sense of 'here'.

Fall Creek Boys Choir

2011-08-24T18:51:00.001-07:00

Oh you know...just another Bon Iver post. Thank you, NPR.

Here is Justin's collaboration with James Blake: Fall Creek Boys Choir

Kabbalah

2011-08-16T18:05:00.000-07:00

Astrology is interesting. Not science by any means, but more so entertainment. I put as much stock in it as tea party logic, but it is fascinating to read about personalities in general. Like to categorize, much?
Here is one more site with an interesting slant on things. However, Aquarius, you still ring so true.

http://www.kabbalah.com/wisdom/Astrology

Shevat (Aquarius)

The month of Shevat correlates with the astrological sign of Aquarius, which is an air sign. It is the third of the air signs: Gemini, Libra and Aquarius. Aquarius represents the Left Column of the three. Aquarius is ruled by two planets. Traditional astrology attributes control of this month to Saturn, and modern astrology has given credit to Uranus, discovered by the astronomer William Hershel on March 13, 1781.

Saturn, the seventh planet in the solar system, is the planet of judgment, order, responsibility, discipline and laws. Uranus is the eighth planet in the solar system, the one that breaks the proximity and limitations of seven - seven days, the seventh day, seven colors, seven notes etc.

Uranus elevates us to new consciousness and new concepts beyond limitation. This is why the Age of Aquarius and the month of Aquarius are considered times of change. Both are times of new knowledge, inventions, humanity, the need to help, to understand and to support the needy.

The energy of Uranus also connects to the air element - intellectualism, innovations, and new concepts that will bring the world to a higher level of consciousness.

Aquarians are rebellious by nature because they are constantly faced with penetrating questions concerning their individuality, their uniqueness and their identity. This is the reason that they strive to break old boundaries. To Aquarians, the past is but a fleeting moment, and they disconnect from the past in order to find a fresh and unfamiliar reality, a new truth to fit the new times. Uranus orbits the sun every 84 years, which explains the common phenomenon of the “midlife crisis” that plagues 40-42 year olds. It is actually a case of Aquarius-it is, when we begin to question our life’s purpose and make plans for the next 40 or so years.

Aquarians make excellent computer technicians, scientists, and social workers. They thrive doing anything revolutionary, especially in tasks that carry the flag of social-political revolution.

Age of Aquarius

The Kabbalists explain that the Age of Aquarius began approximately 400 years ago and is considered the Age of Revelation, or the Age of Redemption. Why does Aquarius, or "Shvat" according the Hebrew calendar, symbolize redemption? Because Aquarians perceive the world as unified, and Kabbalists consider this to be the basis of true redemption. Redemption is when all negativity is cleansed, when humanity is free of evil and fragmentation. Because of their higher level of consciousness, Aquarians are directly linked to this redemptive moment.

Aquarians are unique… they stand out in a crowd and cannot be ignored. They show great promise as children and as adults they are idealists who strive to change the universe with original ideas. They are rebels, and their concern is the well being of humanity as a whole. They rebel against established ways of doing things, always looking to find new, better ways to solve world problems.

Though Aquarians seek justice for all, this is a global quest, not a personal one. They support things that are grand and noble, while they fail to be sensitive to those around them who are suffering. Aquarians often lack a sense of the practical, and they are passionately independent and private. Their desire for originality causes them to set themselves apart from the crowd. Despite their friendliness and open-mindedness, they are also the most stubborn of all signs. They reject all established structures, and fight to maintain their individuality and freedom in order to exercise their innovative ideas. They detest confinement of any sort.

Yet the most challenging barrier they face is most often their own egos. Even as they begin to make changes in their lives, their focus tends to be external, and they have trouble really changing from deep within.

Aquarians have the power to break free of the limitations of the physical world. But to manifest this power, they must control the aspects of their nature that interfere with its accomplishment. Aquarians are capable of helping humanity, as long as their own ideas do not become more important than the cause itself. True spirituality means being part of humanity, not above it. Unfortunately, Aquarians usually have such high opinions of themselves that imposing their own views can become their sole objective. Aquarians must conquer their pride, and realize that they have been entrusted with their attributes in order to manifest a certain force in this world. They are merely channels for this energy, and so are not entitled to personal glory.

For those born under the sign of Aquarius and for those now about to become influenced by the cosmic energy of Aquarius, you can attain the consciousness of a cosmic reality and feel responsible for humanity as a whole. You can know true friendship and perhaps even universal fraternity. And Aquarians have the strength for this task, from past lives. You can experience an exceptional and unique adventure in the history of humanity if you manage the most difficult restriction – silencing your ego and practicing humility and modesty while living in simplicity.

A simple little kind of free

2011-08-03T16:23:00.000-07:00

This song didn't really make sense until now. What a great feeling...

~Perfectly Lonely~
Had a little love but I spread it thin
Falling in her arms and out again
Made a bad name for my game round town
Tore out my heart and shut it down

Nothing to do, nowhere to be
A simple little a kind of free
Nothing to do, no one but me
That's is all I need

I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely, yeah
Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

And this is not to say
There never comes a day
I'll take my chances and start again
And when I look behind
On all my younger times
I'll have to thank the wrongs
That led me to a love so strong

Otis by Jay-z & Kanye

2011-07-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile I am surprised by rap/hip hop music. Living in the city with the BEST radio in the country I am treated to early releases and underground tracks that take months to hit the rest of the country. Live broadcasts from places like the Velvet Room make Sunday night car rides all the more entertaining.

I found this track just because Atlanta is the ish when it comes to new music -- and keeping the classics alive. Thank god soul is back because hip hop now has a future. Put away the Autotune, real beats are back.

Advice from a Tree

2011-07-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

Stand tall and proud.

Sink your roots into the earth.

Be content with your natural beauty.

Go out on a limb.

Drink plenty of water.

Remember you roots.

Enjoy the view!

Winning at Everything

2011-07-19T19:35:00.000-07:00

In light of my Road Trip of Winning and all the nonsense about the subject these days I thought it appropriate to wrap up my summer with an interesting article about the topic:
I like relating it to dance too...

Why Winners Win...

http://www.newsweek.com/2011/07/10/the-new-science-of-triumph.html

Road Trip of Winning: Videos 2 and 3 - Duck in Boulder

2011-07-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

Duck goes bouldering in Boulder...because that's what you do.
"Being in Boulder is hard. You have to climb stuff to be cool."

Classic Road Trip clip of me finding Duck doing something ridiculous before leaving town.

Road Trip of Winning: 1 of 3 - Duck in Boulder

2011-07-16T12:29:00.000-07:00

So many adventures in Colorado - as usual. Here is the first of three videos:

After a failed attempt at busking in Nola, Duck attempts to sell her hippie wares to an unsuspecting local.

Road Trip of Winning: Duck makes it to Colorado

2011-07-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

So we didn't get a video of Duck at dance practice in Abq as previously planned. Crossing the state line into to Colorado will have to suffice...

Road Trip of Winning: Driving Austin to Abq

2011-07-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

Just in case you didn't know...Duck is an excellent driver.

If you're not first, you're last!

Bon Iver covers Bonnie Raitt

2011-07-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

I credit my mother for my eclectic taste in music. She raised me on soul, oldies, folk, rock n roll, jazz, blues, and the always 80s mother favorite, Raffe. Her favorites included The Beatles, Roberta Flack, Bonnie Raitt, Elton John, Rolling Stones, Carole King, The Pointer Sisters, and Whitney Houston.

Finding this cover of Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bon Iver was unexpected and perfectly timed. So far I am three for three.

He does a beautiful job of capturing the elegant melancholy of the lyrics:

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

Road Trip of Winning: NOLA and New Music

2011-07-06T15:05:00.000-07:00

Being in NOLA brought a lot of joy back to my dancing. Just showing up, grabbing a beer, and letting it all soak in. The locals could not have been friendlier -- I was welcomed into their scene right away. It was southern hospitality at its best. The element that pulled us all together was definitely the music. Toe-tapping rhythms that just didn't let you sit still.

At the going away party (for two people I met at the party) there was a live band. Luke Winslow-King. A name I had heard before, but not experienced. So good. Check out his stuff here: http://www.myspace.com/lukewinslowking. Then, go buy his album like I did =)

While the entire album is full of gems my two favorite songs hit home for music and lyrical reasons. The first I can't find a video of, so here are the lyrics. Just replace 'she' with 'he' and it is spot on. I realized it took me about a year of being single, and 6 months of really being alone for it to be true. But yeah....it is.

~Lost Soul~

woke up this morning,
found i was no longer sad
it's only a memory of what's been hurtin' so bad
i'm walking down the street
and i do not dispaire
i'm singin' i'm smilin' not havin' a care
i'd have me locked up like i was in the county jail
what had me beat down
like a storm of hail
i couldn't see for nothin'
all darkness, all night
now it's high noon
not a shadow in sight

she's a lost soul
it don't matter anymore
she's so far behind the axious days of yore
she's lost to me, but it don't matter
_______ i've got to soar.

in this wide world there' open roads ahead
no time for mournin', heavy hearts of lead,
look over yonder see the wonderous trees
so much beauty in the open seas
she's a lost soul,
just a memory

i'm so far beyond
she's got no hold on me
don't keep rememberin;
don't even try
you found ____ she was just a lie
she's a lost soul
it don't matter anymore
Shes far behind the achient days of yore
she's a lost cause but i dont' care
i'm a ____ without a burden to bear in this world

My other favorite caught my eye because of the title, but upon listening I like it more and more:
Dragon Fly, Dragon Flower Video

Road Trip of Winning: NOLA Video Blog

2011-07-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

This clip was meant to be an introduction to a much longer movie...but I said screw it and just uploaded them separately.

Thursday morning...I am packing up the car and trying to find my phone...

Road Trip of Winning: Video Blogs

2011-07-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

This road trip has a few unique elements that makes it a bit more...special. One being that a small, yellow friend is accompanying me. Cookies and all. You see, we have a duck in our family, so to speak. She arrived when I was about 14, and has in some strange way become a personality in my circle of family and friends. I don't know how else to explain her, when you give me that weird look except by asking, "Well, have you ever watched Sesame Street or the Muppets? People interacting with personified objects/characters is not the weirdest thing you have ever heard of, right?"

She is a knock-off beanie baby, has been all over the country via car and plane, traveled to France, eats a solid diet of cookies, loves to sing and dance (with dreams of being famous), knows Duck Wong Foo, is exceptionally mischievous, and has a side kick named Kitchen Mouse. She has the very original name of C.D. Quacker Duck, but just goes by Duck for simplicity's sake.
With the arrival of my new MacBook and it's built-in camera I got the crazy idea to make videos of duck. So I made a fun birthday dance video for a friend...and now I can't stop. It started with a 'getting ready to leave Atlanta' video, and now I am determined to make a few more of her in each respective city. We will see how and where this goes...

These videos are not about the quality/editing of the video. I could give two craps about that. I am not a video producer, nor do I aspire to be. It is about capturing the Personality and Adventures of Duck. As her Main Voice, it is interesting to observe how I have really created this alternate personality. Did I ever mention I want to be a Muppeteer....?
Ok, enough explaining the fact I am a total dork. Here is the first video.

Duck Packs for the Road Trip of Winning:

Writing Challenge #14

2011-06-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

10 Year Text by Tia Singh

Speak what you think now in hard words, and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Imagine your future self, ie, you 10 years from now. If he/she were to send you a tweet or text message, 1) what would it say and 2) how would that transform your life or change something you’re doing, thinking, believing or saying today?

~~~~~~

1) Stop being afraid.

2) I would say exactly what I want to say when I want to say it. I would stop procrastinating. I would start believing that I have something worth contributing or saying and not doubt myself so much.

Writing Challenge #13

2011-06-29T11:23:00.000-07:00

Overcoming Uncertainty by Sean Ogle

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Write down a major life goal you have yet to achieve or even begin to take action on. For each goal, write down three uncertainties (read: fears) you have relating to each goal. Break it down further, and write down three reasons for each uncertainty. When you have three reasons for your fear, you’ll be able to start processing the change because you know where the fear stems from. Now you’ll be able to make a smaller changes that push you towards your larger goal. So begins the process of “trusting yourself.”

~~~~~~~

I really don't feel like doing this today. I didn't get the state director job. Back to looking for high school positions and a commute.

Time for more beer on Frenchman Street!

Writing Challenge #12

2011-06-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

Alive-est by Sam Davidson

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. If we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

When did you feel most alive recently? Where were you? What did you smell? What sights and sounds did you experience? Capture that moment on paper and recall that feeling. Then, when it’s time to create something, read your own words to reclaim a sense of being to motivate you to complete a task at hand.

~~~~~~~

A new friend lent me his bike for my stay in New Orleans. A massive beast that only a Shwinn can embody, this bike came complete with white wall tires, cushy seat, soda rack tied to the back, and handlebars fit for a second passenger. Now that I have lowered the seat to fit my height he is a dream to ride. Bouncing around the potholes in the quarter this weekend I was hit with a sense of being gloriously free. I couldn't help but smile and a laugh escaped me for no good reason. The smells around me were a mixture of southern food, gutter garbage, and salt water. I was surrounded by french-style architecture, sandwiched together; bright, shuttered, with each house as unique as a fingerprint.

I don't know if I can or want to capture that feeling all the time. It was pretty marvelous. However, I will treasure it and go back to that moment whenever I need to remember how incredibly amazing life can be.

Writing Challenge #11

2011-06-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

Personal Recipe by Harley Schreiber

I do not wish to expiate, but to live. My life is for itself and not for a spectacle. I much prefer that it should be of a lower strain, so it be genuine and equal, than that it should be glittering and unsteady. I wish it to be sound and sweet, and not to need diet and bleeding. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think about the type of person you’d NEVER want to be 5 years from now. Write out your own personal recipe to prevent this from happening and commit to following it. “Thought is the seed of action.”

~~~~~~~~

I NEVER want to be selfish, petty, demanding, controlling, or ungrateful. I NEVER want to be a complainer or whiner. I NEVER want to be a fake friend.

My personal recipe to keep this from happening is to: give respect, require respect, practice compassion, and have a habit of perpetual integrity. I am going to love my friends with wild abandonment and surround myself with people that share a mutual appreciation for positivity. I will have a smile, eye contact, and a firm handshake when I meet someone new. I will make an effort to have unconditional support for, and communication with, my friends. No apologies for who I am and what I stand for, but maintain a gracious attitude in regards to other people's beliefs.

Thought truly is the seed of action. I have been doing a lot of thinking the past 6 months - of which my actions these days are a surprising reflection.

Writing Challenge #10

2011-06-25T12:02:00.000-07:00

Call to Arms by Sasha Dichter

The secret of fortune is joy in our hands. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

What if today, right now, no jokes at all, you were actually in charge, the boss, the Head Honcho. Write the “call to arms” note you’re sending to everyone (staff, customers, suppliers, Board) charting the path ahead for the next 12 months and the next 5 years. Now take this manifesto, print it out somewhere you can see, preferably in big letters you can read from your chair.

You’re just written your own job description. You know what you have to do. Go!

(bonus: send it to the CEO with the title “The things we absolutely have to get right – nothing else matters.”)

~~~~~~~

Well, if I get the job that I interviewed for, I will be the Head Honcho =)

- Get the finances in order. Recover all files and start a ledger for 2011-2012. Get the real balance and set up for the next year.

- Organize all physical items. Create an inventory of materials. Organize where and how we order all materials.

- Create a budget for material purchases and contracted design work.

- Make a list of the top 10 teachers in GA that I need to meet. Set up meetings and travel to each school to meet their chapters and introduce myself. Get feedback and advice about the organization. Figure out what people want to keep and what they want to change.

- Create the calendar for next year's conferences.

- Assess the conferences and lay out the schedule and organization of each one.

- Set up board meetings and clarify everyone's role at each conference.

That would just be the short term things. With the organization in such an upheaval, I have a lot of organizing and refocusing to do. Long term?

- Meet with businesses and strengthen connections for sponsorship.

- Align the roles of the Foundation and DOE for TSA. Work out a plan for improved collaboration.

- Set up 2012's calendar of conferences and book all event spaces.

- Organize tax information to make it smooth and automatic every year.

- Research schools that do not have TSA and set up meetings with the technical education teachers to discuss how we could make it possible for them to have a chapter.

That ought about do it. The organization should be self-sustaining and keep rolling once the major hurdles of relocation, finances, and the calendar are taken care of.

New motto?
"I thrive on task lists, not time clocks."

Writing Challenge #9

2011-06-24T10:46:00.001-07:00

The last few challenges have been kinda...lame. Or at least ideas that are not really applicable to my life. Hopefully this weekend will prove to be better. This one looks interesting....

Most Ordinary by Susan Piver

Good and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this; the only right is what is after my constitution, the only wrong what is against it. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

We are our most potent at our most ordinary. And yet most of us discount our “ordinary” because it is, well, ordinary. Or so we believe. But my ordinary is not yours. Three things block us from putting down our clever and picking up our ordinary: false comparisons with others (I’m not as good a writer as _____), false expectations of ourselves (I should be on the NYTimes best seller list or not write at all), and false investments in a story (it’s all been written before, I shouldn’t bother). What are your false comparisons? What are your false expectations? What are your false investments in a story? List them. Each keep you from that internal knowing about which Emerson writes. Each keeps you from making your strong offer to the world. Put down your clever, and pick up your ordinary.

~~~~~~

1) What are my false comparisons?
I compare myself to dancers who are working professionals or people who have been doing it for much longer than myself. As a fiercely competitive person that pushes it all underneath I struggle with feeling less than amazing. I have to constantly remind myself that my life path is not to be a famous dancer. I love dancing, I love the challenge, social circle, and joy it gives me -- but I am not going to dedicate 100% of my time and energy into it. I have other things to give the world. I have mad respect for the people that put their heart and soul into it, but I have to remind myself that since I am not one of those people, the result (my level of dancing) is just never going to be the same. (I am actually going to write a mildly controversial post about dancing/teaching and that whole concept soon...still working on formulating my thoughts)

In terms of my job/career I tend to compare myself to people who have been doing it for 20+ years. Guys that started teaching Tech Ed when it was shop, and used band saws instead of keyboards. Hmmm...I know that I have a hefty knowledge base, work experience, and two degrees so why do I compare myself? Well, being a female under the age of 30 does not give you much street cred when you walk in the door. I am constantly having to prove myself and over-discuss topics for anyone to give me any kind of respect. Grrrrr...

2)What are my false expectations?
I guess I keep expecting people to give me more recognition without proving myself so much. But, I am a firm believer in hard work paying off. Weird combination.

3) What are my false expectations in a story?
I am ready to move forward in my career -- and am doing what is necessary to make that happen. But, I buy into the feeling that I am just not good enough. There is no way that I could ever be the director of GA TSA. I am so young, and no one would take me seriously. But, then I turn around and say holy crap, I am so overqualified for this position why would they even bother looking at other applicants? I have content knowledge, teaching experience, leadership experience, event organizing experience, and a solid track record of promotions. Insert expletive.
It is difficult not to buy into the story that I am not an adult with a strong resume. So easy to keep feeling like I am just fresh outta college...

I must admit. I am not a huge fan of this post. It took me forever to write it and I kept getting distracted. Boo.

Writing Challenge #8

2011-06-23T13:57:00.000-07:00

Intuition by Susan Piver

The secret of fortune is joy in our hands. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you could picture your intuition as a person, what would he or she look like? If you sat down together for dinner, what is the first thing he or she would tell you?

~~~~~~

My intuition would look like a free spirit. A broad smile and easy laugh. A sense of openness and friendliness that does not overwhelm, suffocate, or demand. The first thing she would say to me is to stop being afraid. Stop holding back. Reach for the stars and nothing less.

Writing Challenge #7

2011-06-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

Courage to Connect by David Spinks

Men imagine that they communicate their virtue or vice only by overt actions, and do not see that virtue or vice emit a breath every moment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Who is one person that you’ve been dying to connect with, but just haven’t had the courage to reach out to? First, reflect on why you want to get in touch with them. Then, reach out and set up a meeting.

~~~~~~~

Done and done =)

Writing Challenge #6

2011-06-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

Enthusiasm by Mars Dorian

Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” is a great line from Emerson. If there’s no enthusiasm in what you do, it won’t be remarkable and certainly won’t connect with people on an emotional basis. But, if you put that magic energy into all of your work, you can create something that touches people on a deeper level. How can you bring MORE enthusiasm into your work? What do you have to think or believe about your work to be totally excited about it? Answer it now.

~~~~~~~

More enthusiasm? Hmmm...I think that I could do a better job of reading technical and/or educational journals, articles, and sharing such things with my peers. I need to attend more conferences and network more. I am absolutely in love with my career and content area. I think it is a very necessary part of education. Engineers are sorely needed in this country -- and students need the opportunity to see all the different options they have in the field.

Writing Challenge #5

2011-06-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

You Know by Jen Louden

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

We live in a society of advice columns, experts and make-over shows. Without even knowing it, you can begin to believe someone knows better than you how to live your life. Someone might know a particular something better – like how to bake a three-layer molten coconut chocolate cake or how to build a website – but nobody else on the planet knows how to live your life better than you. (Although one or two people may think they do.) For today, trying asking yourself often, especially before you make a choice, “What do I know about this?”

~~~~~

Ok, it is seriously taking me forever to formulate a response. I think that I addressed this idea not too long ago. Maybe not quite with the same question, but I have always rejected the notion of advice columns, experts, and make-over shows. I dislike the fashion industry, and abhor magazines that depict models encouraging the masses to look and dress a certain way. It is all a means for more money to be spent on things that will be discarded in a matter of months if not weeks for the next best thing.
When it comes to advice columns they are just recycled garbage. No two people are alike and you shouldn't treat them as so. One way to deal with people will not work with the next. Stand firm in who you are, be a good person, give and require respect. All the games and bs will eventually fall by the wayside. Tough? Yes. Idealistic? Absolutely. Possible? I am a work in progress.
Whenever I read something that is trying to convince me of something to buy, change about myself, or apply to my life to 'make it all better' I stop and reflect.

What a great question to ask yourself. I like how the author phrased the question.

Writing Challenge #4

2011-06-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

I don't think this prompt could have come at a better time in my life...

Speak Less by Laura Kimball

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know I. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I once received a fortune cookie that read: “Speak less of your plans, you’ll get more done.” What’s one project that you’ve been sitting on and thinking about but haven’t made progress on? What’s stopping you? What would happen if you actually went for it and did it?

~~~~~~

Sometimes when you speak less of your plans you don't have the witnesses to say "Well? Didn't you say that you were going to do so and so?" It is easier to slip, and lie to yourself about what you have actually accomplished. We are our own best excuse. I used to be really private about my plans and realized that I had covered up my dreams with reasons. It is still difficult to share too much about my future plans, but I like to keep myself accountable with a few.

So, project? I don't really think in terms of projects -- rather goals or 'things to do'. Honestly, I am really doing all the things that I want to right now. I think I would rather answer this in terms of personal development. The project I am working on right now is 'maintaining'. Not fluctuating my mannerisms, humor, thoughts, silence, conversation, or laughter (just to name a few) depending on who I am with. Living and relating without fear. That is my project.

What would happen if I just went for it and did it? Well, I think I am starting to figure that out. It is absolutely terrifying sometimes. The "what ifs" overwhelm my thoughts. But you know what? The best part about it is that the reality that is experienced from pushing through that fear is so much more amazing than the dreams that plague me when I don't.

Writing Challenge #3

2011-06-17T07:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, I don't have enough time to go into great detail with my responses, but I want to stick with it...

Dreams by Michael Rad

Abide in the simple and noble regions of thy life, obey thy heart. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Write down your top three dreams. Now write down what’s holding you back from them.

1) Go to Europe.
What is holding me back? Finances. Debt. But, definitely not fear. Cannot WAIT to get out of this country and see more of the world.

2) Work from home.
Well, I already took the leap and applied (and interviewed) for a job that would allow me to do just that. It is a position that I feel overqualified for, and yet totally overwhelmed by. I guess the one thing holding me back is a board of directors voting on whether I get it or not =) I have done my part.

3) Live in the mountains.
I moved to Atlanta in 2008, and it doesn't look like I will be going anywhere anytime soon due to career, friends, lovely condo, dancing, and working on feeling like I have roots. However, I am not discouraged. I see this as a long-term dream...it will happen eventually. I am patient.

What about you? What are your three dreams? Anything holding you back from them?

Writing Challenge #2

2011-06-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

Since I am already a bit behind and I have a few minutes I will post the second challenge right away.

One Thing by Colin Wright

Do your work, and I shall know you. Do your work, and you shall reinforce yourself. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Take a moment, step back from your concerns, and focus on one thing: You have one life to achieve everything you’ve ever wanted. Sounds simple, but when you really focus on it, let it seep into your consciousness, you realize you only have about 100 years to get every single thing you’ve ever wanted to do. No second chances. This is your only shot. Suddenly, this means you should have started yesterday. No more waiting for permission or resources to start. Today is the day you make the rest of your life happen. Write down one thing you’ve always wanted to do and how you will achieve that goal. Don’t be afraid to be very specific in how you’ll achieve it: once you start achieving, your goals will get bigger and your capability to meet them will grow.

~~~~~~~~

Wow. Let's just say that it is difficult for me to narrow it down to just one thing. Live on top of a mountain in a house that my family built, be a muppet, work from home, be a college professor, win a major dance competition with my dance partner, the list simply goes on. Let's pick the college professor...

I will achieve this goal by getting out of the middle school classroom this year. Period.
I will get a job in either my field in industry, leadership, or high school.
Within 5 years I will apply to a doctoral program. UGA or NC State are my top choices.
During the 5 years of working and gaining experience I will look into teaching community college classes -- either in-person or online.
As a full time doctoral student I would like to be teaching classes as adjunct faculty.
Once graduated I will have a solid resume of public school, leadership, community college, and part-time faculty positions.
I will then decide where I want to live and apply at universities in areas of the country that support my lifestyle, mindset, and love of nature.

Yes. that ought about do it =)

What is your one specific goal? You can just list your goal or give me details. I would love to hear about your dreams...

Writing Challenge #1

2011-06-16T08:47:00.000-07:00

Inspired by a visit to Illuminated Mind I signed up for the Ralph Waldo Emerson 30 day writing challenge. Mind you, I signed up late, and I know for a fact that I will not be able to write a post every day (but maybe I will), however, the prompts are some good food for thought and I will on occasion write an entry until the challenge is complete.

Wholly Strange and New by Bridget Pilloud

When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name;—— the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?

Write about that moment. And if you haven’t experienced it yet, let the miracle play out in your mind’s eye and write about that moment in your future.

~~~~~~~

Yes. I do remember that moment. Very clearly.

I was driving on 75N. I had a jam packed day. Earlier I had driven up to a lake house to celebrate a friend's birthday. Then, duty called and I drove down to dance to Blair Crimmins and the Hookers at the Dogwoods Arts Festival. All dressed up and handing out cards, I encouraged other lindy hoppers to show up and help market our scene by doing what we do best - dance. It worked and I handed out about 30 ASEDA cards. With a smile on my face and my vintage suitcase in hand I left the park and headed back up to the birthday party. On my way it hit me. I was living my life. For me. Not in a selfish way -- because my entire day revolved around activities that would either make someone else happy or support my scene -- but in a way that made me feel completely in control. Not at the mercy or whim of another person. I made the decision to have such a crazy schedule and drive about 100 miles that day. But, you know what? It felt great. I felt free. I felt like Atlanta was my home. I had real friends. I had the freedom of choice.

I haven't looked back since.

So, how about you? Have you had this moment? When and where was it? Or, do you imagine it to happen in the future?

Rex and Wingy

2011-06-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me that I would not have a laptop once summer rolled around. My plan is to find a new job and that meant my trusty IBM Thinkpad would have to be left at Snellville. So, with a bit of advice from an exceptionally informed (nerdy) friend I went ahead and purchased a refurbished MacBook Pro. It was like Christmas and my Birthday all rolled into one when she showed up. There was a great deal of jumping around and then sitting around as everything was transferred and updated. The point of this story is that now I have enough room for allllll my music on my new shiny Vento - all of which I was not familiar with. So, I have spent a great deal of time combing through my new-found library and organizing it in typical Type A fashion.

One of the gems I found is: Rex Steward and Wingy Manone - Trumpet Jive! Oh. My. Goodness. I cannot stop listening to this album. I feel as though I need to thank Brooks for this one. Of course I dig Wingy and play him regularly, but this collaboration album is the ish. Do yourself a favor, and if you do not already have it -- go get it! (Which is excellent advice for life in general)

And on the note of digging through my music collection and getting excited over finding albums that are simply divine I would thoroughly enjoy some suggestions. DJing has turned out to be so much more fulfilling than I ever imagined. I started doing it as a personal challenge, and it has slowly turned into one of my favorite parts of being a vintage jazz dancer.

Unschooled and always learning

2011-06-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

Reading an article about alternative schooling always gives me a bit of a rise. Well, maybe more along the lines of a spark of hope. In turn, the comments always make me a bit sick. First, read the article and then what I am going to say will make a bit more sense.

NPR - Unschooled: How One Kid is Grateful He Stayed Home

Ok, so I am a bit appalled that Sam didn't learn how to read until he was 10. But, in turn I think that his mom was trying to really 'stick to the program'. So, kudos to her. When I was a wee one I told my mom that "I don't ever want to learn how to read. It's stupid and boring." (This sentiment stemmed from my sister neglecting to play with me 24/7 because her nose was always in a book) My mother was horrified, naturally, but then just chilled out and gave me a little more time to figure out that if I was to keep up with Lydia I would have to learn on my own. So I did. Sure, it was a bit later than some other kids, but it certainly wasn't until I was 10. I think my mom used a great method for home schooling -- a mixture of encouragement, exposure, modeling, and personal choice. With an exceptionally nerdy older sister (by 4 years) to compare myself to, I had no other choice than to keep up. And it NEVER occurred to me that she *should* be better than me at everything. We were the equivalent of a 5th grader keeping up with an 8th grader.

Subjects like math, science, and foreign language were all presented with texts specifically designed for the self-taught. Language Arts was more of an 'immersion' approach. She didn't harp on grammar (which rared it ugly head in college, and still today), but was a huge advocate of reading. We would spend hours and hours in the library. Vocabulary, spelling, and the correct use of words (their & there), were her focus instead of where that pesky little comma is supposed to go. Oh well.

When it came to electives I was allowed to explore at my own pace. After positively hating piano lessons she gave up and let me choose my own musical path. Voice lessons and guitar were my choices and I dove right in. One of her best friends introduced me to the joys of painting and I spent a summer in my room painting skies and mountains. Sports have always eluded me though, and despite multiple soccer camps I am still terrible at all team sports. Determined that we would not be entirely sports-less she enrolled my sister and I in martial arts when I was 12. At 16 I earned my black belt. Oh yeah, and I figure skated for a few years before I realized that I would rather be a ninja instead of develop anorexia on ice. In retrospect I think that all my electives were very unschooled. I would randomly develop an interest in a topic and then immerse myself in it as much as possible. It is still how I tend to learn.

So what did the rest of the family think? I am certain they were horrified. My grandmother dragged us to as many museums, operas, concerts, and historical sites as possible in hopes that my sister and I would not turn out like cave children. After all, she was a school teacher her whole life. In reflection I think I went on more field trips than a regular ed student. But now when I travel I make an effort to hit a few 'points of interest' in every city. Take that, public school!

Enough rambling. I would like to address some of the concerns that people have and provide my own opinions.

I think that social outlets are the responsibility of the parent. Kids that don't have enough interaction with other children are simply being sheltered on purpose. Between martial arts, figure skating, soccer camps, and church, my sister and I had a lot of interaction. I even went to a junior and senior prom.

Language Arts is a huge problem for all home schoolers. It is just isn't a topic that is easily learned. We need feedback, editors, and the rules explained. English is a difficult language to say the least, and it is my biggest regret. I read voraciously and feel as though my vocabulary is quite extensive. But in turn I cried over three page papers in college and am still crap when it comes to the little things -- like commas. Oddly enough, journaling is one of my favorite past times. However, I have two degrees and have written multiple papers 20+ pages. I disagree with letting a child learn to read and write at their own pace. It is by far the most important thing in getting a job and people who have poor vocabulary/spelling/writing skills are often disregarded more quickly.

Contextual learning is simply a way of life for a home schooler. We know how to budget, calculate, and apply pretty much everything we learn -- because we have to. Grocery shopping is math class. Mowing the yard is PE. Spending hours simply being outside and looking at everything up close is science. Why and how? Go read about it. Then go exploring some more.

I am afraid of home schooling my kids. I am afraid of sending them to public school. I don't think there is a perfect solution. I think my sister is doing a fantastic job with her young'uns. They are very bright and inquisitive. She talks to them in a very adult manner, and treats the world as a constant place to learn. They will (and are) attending school, but I would like to see how long that lasts. School can be very confining if the teachers are not equipped to deal with fast-paced learners.

To wrap up this rambling post I have one more link for you to check out. As with most everything in life, don't knock it til you try it.
10 Famous People who were Home Schooled

My final though? With all this innate desire to learn and the realization of where my educational gaps are I think I will do a little homeschooling this summer.

No such thing as usual

2011-06-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

Music:
Currently listening to Kate Havnevik's album, Melankton. She definitely has a Bjork sound.

~ New Day ~

Reflections:

As small as it may seem you can tell if someone values 'you' by their attention to the spelling of your name.

"So what are your plans this summer?"
"Not make any lists. Avoid a lot of time commitments. Learn how to be a little messy. Dance."

Work on fixing all the things that made your last relationship fall apart -- with your friends. If you can be all those things to people that you are not madly in love with, when the time comes for you to share your life with 'that person' it will be easy. Respect. Compromise. Honesty. Communication. Support. Listen.

In our brokenness, we are unlimited. And that means we are amazing.

Actual Blog Entry:

Today I am upholding my summer routine of holding down a chair and table at a nearby coffee shop. It has taken me about three hours to muster the courage and clarity of mind to be able to write a cover letter. Courage, because it is for a job that I really don't think I will even be considered for, time, because I totally blanked how to write one of these and I am a terrible writer. So many thoughts just spill out into unprofessional rambling. Gah.

The more I am in the classroom the more I consider the fact that I might want to do something different. Yes, I love being a teacher -- or more specifically -- a leader. In reflection I have a history of being promoted by recommendation. Even when I worked at Papa John's I was asked to be a shift manager, in college I was pushed to Photo Editor, in grad school I was hired on as adjunct faculty. I am so young and so inexperienced in the organization that I am applying for, but it is in my field (Tech Ed), and when I read the duties and responsibilities that this person much have it is such a no-brainer. Challenging? Yes. Time-consuming? Yes. Extremely professional? Yes. Frightening? A little.

I could just keep it safe. Stay at Snellville and keep on teaching my familiar lessons. I could push for a high school job (which I really want). Or I could start to stretch a bit further. Like in yoga class I ask myself, "why?". Am I trying to prove something, or do I really need to go a bit further? Hmmm...more self-reflection is needed. I think it is a little bit of both.

And so I start this summer with nothing as usual. Not sure where I will be in the fall, but I have a back-up plan because those things are very important in this economy. What is usual is my summer plans - LEAVE ATLANTA!!!

I am going to Mississippi first to see a good friend for a weekend. Then, down to NOLA for my own version of dance camp. One part immersion, one part classes, one part music, one part vacation I am ready to just show up and take it all in. After I sweat it up in the Big Easy I am heading over to Austin to work with Andrew. We have some really exciting things going on in our partnership and we have a lot to work on. While in Austin I am going to try to get a better feel for the scene, people, and city. My last big stop will be Boulder to see my Shizzle. While a little dancing might go on, this stop is to recharge and rejuvenate. Big skies, fresh air, and clear water. On my way back I will probably stop in St. Louis for an overnight or two and then Nashville. Rough dates? June 17th - July 17th. Let me know if you live in (near) any of these places and want to catch up.

So, bring it on. I have so much more to lose this time around, and so much more to gain.

Timing is everything

2011-06-03T14:51:00.000-07:00

Headlights on the Highway ~ Ron Pope

"And I don't need no secrets, I gave up on lies/
If it's gonna rain I'd rather know then be caught blind"

Free Time

2011-06-02T15:35:00.000-07:00

Freetime ~ Kenna

Summer is upon us in all it's 106 degree glory. School's out and I'm out. Where to next? I am taking a giant leap of faith this year and moving on. The road trip is planned, but my fall is not. As I take a deep breath and exhale I remind myself that I have a back-up plan -- which is more than I had when I moved to Atlanta.

So many plans. So many dreams. So much growth. So much left to grow. I am ready. Nervous. Excited. Overwhelmed. Going for it.

"Do one thing everyday that scares you" Today? Check.

More posts coming soon now that I own my own computer (Vento), and I have 7 weeks of free time. So many ideas and thoughts brewing...

It's not about the destination...

2011-04-23T17:22:00.000-07:00

Five weeks left in the school year. Wow.

Updates
Next year holds...?? Not entirely sure yet. I am putting myself out there and seriously applying for high school positions. After careful reconsideration of my finances, life as it is currently being lived, and more personal things, I feel as though I should stay in Atlanta for at least another year. I am tired of running. Tired of moving. My life has been one big giant move for as long as I can remember. I have moved every year since 2002, and let's not even start in on my nomadic, house-less, childhood. I need roots.

Last week, when I was leaving Piedmont Park it hit me. I am living in Atlanta. Not just residing. But living. Life is full, but not cramped. Variety. New faces. Positive activities. Giving and receiving. There is so much left to explore in this city, and I am ready for it! Sure, there are some mindsets that just don't jive with me, and I am frustrated with the need for a car. But, there are so many other wonderful things going on here. This feels like home, for once. And I am going to thrive and grow on that feeling until it is really time to move on - not when I am just running away.

Summer Plans
Work and all it's professional learning ends on June 3rd.
My crazy idea this year was to drive all the way to San Francisco. Each summer I try to travel somewhere new. After looking at the map and the giant expanse between Austin and CA I cringed and reconsidered the reality of such a quest. I would absolutely have to have a road buddy to make this happen--for both money and sanity. I have been cross-country and I know how you can drive for an hr and see the same pair of headlights coming towards you because it is. so. freaking. flat.

Things that will make this trip different? Hmm....I would like to spend a great deal of time exploring the cities I visit instead of *just* dancing. Although, I must admit that my first two stops will be focused on dance. I am going to Instagram the ish out of this trip and meet some other IG'ers. I don't have any driving buddies lined up. I am open to the idea of someone joining me for a leg or two, but I would really like to make the bulk of this journey solo. It's all part of recuperating from the school year.

Summer 2011 is going to be spent in my beloved TDI, Lola. Heart her. Here are my Hopes and Dreams. I will pin down the exact dates soon.

1 week - NOLA
1 week - Austin
10-14 days - Boulder
4-5 days - St. Louis
Overnight in Nashville
3-5 days - Knoxville for a quick stop
4-5 days - Boone

Home to recover and get back in the mindset for teaching and learning.

Checklists: Part 2

2011-04-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

Now, to follow-up and finish my previous post on the idea of a checklist...

I don't want to spend this post quoting other people, nor do I want it to run away and turn into "journalesque" reflective rambling. So, I will mix it up and do a small amount of each.

I will start with what a dear friend said to me during a phone conversation last night. While discussing 'where we are' in terms of relationships she made a very accurate analogy. Relationships are like dancing. I had to pause for a second, because I really don't like to relate those two parts of my life. It usually ends up very messy for everyone involved. But, since she is such a good friend I let her continue. ;-)

Relationships are like dancing.
When you first start you jump right in, eager and with all of your being. You want everything right away and can't get enough. You spend ludicrous amounts of time with this new interest. You don't really care if you are doing everything right because it is just so damn fun.
When you hit the intermediate level you think you have it under control--you know what's up. Your attitude is of confidence and flashy moves because "this is how it is supposed to be". Take it or leave it is how you present yourself to your partner because damn straight, you are experienced!
When you hit the advanced stage you throw everything out the window and realize that pretty much everything you thought was right was, in fact, complete bullsh*t. Now, you want the nuts and bolts of things. You care about the little details, about what feels good, and how the other person feels. You want things to actually work, not just magically happen.

I. Dig. This. So. Much.

At the tender age of 27 I feel as though I am slowly moving into the advanced stage. Relationships aren't magic. They don't just work. Nor does your dancing. I am doing so much more reflection on my last few relationships and thinking about the details of what worked and what didn't. (end journal-like rambling)

On to my next point.
I am an organizational freak, and I love checklists. And I mean love. They give me a sense of accomplishment and focus for my slightly ADD, fast-paced brain. So, I felt like after every relationship I 'add' to my checklist of what I want and what I don't want. However, even when everything looks amazing on paper, and he added up, I still wasn't happy. wtf. So, obviously since I was the common element in all of these situations it must be me. The last 8 months have been a hell of a ride of freedom, choices, reflection, growth, and realization. And I have come to some conclusions...that I will share with you in the form of a list for the sake of irony.

1. Don't like what a person does, like how they act. I mean, common activities are all fantastic (and stuff) but the real deal is in like how that person relates with the world around them. How do they treat the person at the checkout? Their server? The homeless person on the street? Are you comfortable with their interactions or are you put off? There really isn't a right or wrong way of dealing with people--beyond the expected politeness--so I am not trying to be judgmental. What it boils down to is, does it jive with you? I tend to be a very open person when dealing with society (as long as the new individual isn't creepy) and I am made more comfortable when the people around me exude a similar confident attitude. Again, not right or wrong. Just an observation.

2. Feeling safe is the bottom line. Why do we end up dating our friends? Because they make us feel safe. There are only 2 people in the world outside of my family who have ever made me feel as though they accepted all the little parts of me that make me, well, me. Good, bad, ugly, funny, weird, serious. And for everyone, not just me, that is a big deal.

3. Communicate. This only happens if point two is reached. You never say what you really mean if you don't feel safe doing it. Either you lack the sense to be afraid (brash and insensitive) or you simply keep your mouth shut because you are too scared to speak the truth. No one wants to feel vulnerable. If you are willing to communicate on an open and honest level then you are completely at the mercy of the other person.

4. Repeat points 1, 2, and 3.

So where does that leave us? Checklists have their place. I know what I want. Hopefully someday I can give what another person wants. But, the bottom line isn't things, stuff, or common activities. (I am being vague on purpose) It is about feeling safe, open communication, and are you comfortable with how that person interacts with the world?

I know that whenever the next time happens there is going to be a lot more understanding, communication respect, and patience--both required and given.

Lungs: F+tM

2011-04-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

A week of blogging isn't complete without musical discoveries =)

Florence + the Machine released her album Lungs in 2009, but I somehow managed to have my head under a rock and miss it. A sweeping epic journey through 13 tracks; Welch powers through her vocals, and pulls you in with some wicked hooks. Love the lyrics and the diversity of instrumentation. Here are three songs that I can't get enough of:

1. Dog Days are Over - on regular rotation on a typical alternative rock station, this song is probably familiar to the average radio listener. It is so positive. Roll down the windows and crank it up.

"Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Cosmic Love - this track caught my attention right away. The chorus picks you up and sweeps you along in the current of the orchestrated rhythms...but then you listen to the words. Sadness has never been so beautiful.

"The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Blinding - the opposite of the previous track, it took me a few times through to fully appreciate this song. Just keep listening. It has a melancholy quality to it -- minor and deep. She can be difficult to understand sometimes so all I kept hearing was the word 'death'. Upon looking up the lyrics it makes so much sense. She is wanting something that she can't have anymore. He might actually be deceased, or it could just be that they are no longer together. She is trying to convince herself that there is no point in dreaming and wasting time in longing for what is no longer alive -- be it him or the relationship.

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do yourself a favor and add her to your collection if you haven't already. Another powerful, well-written, un-afraid female vocalist with some serious lyrics and beautiful music. And she has an awesome name. Florence for the win.

Checklists: Part 1

2011-04-05T16:02:00.001-07:00

I have an acquaintance who moved to Europe a couple summers ago. Talk about ballsy. Just up and left with her boyfriend. I love her writing as it is much more eloquent and precise than my own. Also, she has variety in her blog (poetry, experience, recipes, reflections) which keeps me coming back for more. You can find her blog here.

This poem was an entry on 3/20. With all the thoughts swirling around in my head, changes I am making in my life, and new decisions in terms of what it means to 'be with someone', I find it more than pertinent these days. I will write another entry soon about my evolving philosophy on the whole concept of a checklist when finding a life partner.

an unknown mountain dreamer:
“It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living…
It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it….

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty
even when it is not pretty

every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.”

Album: Loaded

2011-02-08T16:21:00.000-08:00

I have been listening to a Wood Brothers Pandora station for some months now, but never got around to purchasing an album. I finally broke down this weekend and purchased "Loaded" after I thumbs-upped six songs off of it. I figured that was enough for me to make it worthwhile. I must say it is a new top favorite. Every once in awhile I can't get into an entire album - the artist only has a gem or two - but Chris and Oliver Wood deliver with every tune. http://www.thewoodbrothers.com/

~Favorite Tracks~

Twisted - this was the first song to catch my ear. For just a guitar and bass it keeps your toes tapping and listening for more. The live recording doesn't quite sound as full as the studio version, but this particular video is pretty true to sound. Mad respect.

Why do I dream/of holding you down?/who knows?/'cause I'm missing you so

Fall Too Fast - this song caught me off guard with its brutal honesty of lyricism. I couldn't say it any better. This video recording is pretty weak compared to how the song sounds on the album, but hopefully you get the point. They keep it simple, clean, and folksy with their rhythmic instrumental pairing.

I have been to close
to that flame of desire
I have spoken too soon
words full of fire full of fire

I have fallen too fast
from the top of the tree
bruised by every branch
never landing on my feet on my feet

like a fool im willing
to take that fall again
dont let me fall too fast
I want to fall slowly
I want my fall to last
I want my fall to last

Walk Away - an easy tune to listen to with an undercurrent of bass and addition of harmonica and gentle picking.

Time used to make me wait/now time just makes me late

Buckets of Rain - an old Dylan tune, this version is a bit less on the depressing side of things.

Buckets of rain
Buckets of tears
Got all them buckets coming out of my ears
Buckets of moonbeams in my hand
You got all the love honey baby
I can stand.

Push Play. Repeat All.

2011-01-29T15:41:00.000-08:00

Time for music that is new to me...and maybe you. One of the benefits of meeting a person from another country is the diversity of music they have to offer. In addition to living across the pond, person from said place also worked at a music store. Result? Lindsay learning about artists that span all reasonable and unreasonable genres. I am still discovering my new additions.

Artist: Rusko
Album: O.M.G!
Favorite tracks: Woo Boost, Rubadub Shakedown, and Got Da Groove

As I venture into the realm of dubstep I find that I am not a fan of most DJs. Rusko breaks the mold with amazing melodies, guest artists, and diversity of sound. The bass lines are addictive, and the wub wub wub of the dub is not so overwhelming that you get bored.

Woo Boost:

Rubadub Shakedown:

Artist: William Fitzsimmons
Album: The Sparrow and the Crow
Favorite Tracks: You Still Hurt Me, Just Not Each Other, Find Me To Forgive

If you dig on Iron and Wine you will love this artist. Simple melodies, bare instruments, and delicate harmonies create an easy listen with a heavy message. Most of his songs are lyrically heart-wrenching while sounding deceivingly light and sweet. I keep looking for a track full of hope, but I think his message stays the same throughout the three albums I have heard - a hurt soul. While I am not quite in this state of mind right now, I still appreciate his honesty in both sound and word.

You Still Hurt Me:

Just Not Each Other:

Artist: OneRepublic
Album: Waking Up
Favorite Tracks: Good Life, Secrets, All the Right Moves

Talk about a surprise of an album. I am not usually all about pop rock, or radio played tunes, but this band has me hooked. 'Secrets' is on regular rotation, and I dig it, but as usual the tracks not on the airwaves are what caught my ear and kept me listening. The entire album has a nice flow, upbeat sound, and a nice mix of tracks that speak to all kinds of mood. I will let the songs speak for themselves.

Good Life:

Secrets:

til the end of time

2011-01-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

I am constantly looking for new music - and have a reputation of being a source of new music suggestions. However, if no new music came along, and someone told me I had to pick just a few albums to spend the rest of my life with they would be...

6) Imogen Heap - Ellipse
Unlike most artists, Imogen's sophomore album is a win in my book. Even more unique mixes of captured sounds, lyrical beauty, and a nice ebb and flow in tempos. It isn't as melacholy as her first album, so in a sense it serves more emotional variety.

5) Sade - Soldier of Love
I know that this is a really recent album, but Sade has stepped up her game in her latest release. Full of the chill that I love, but with more depth and texture. The lyrics hit home, the instrumentation is diverse, and it is effortless to imbibe her rhythms.

4) Sigur Ros - Takk
When I hit play everything else disappears. The flow of the songs are in perfect order to practice yoga, enjoy a book, or simply cloud watch. Introspection is the muse of this album.

3) D'Angelo - Voodoo
Everyone needs a good 'get down' album. This spans the years for me regardless of how much I love Robin Thicke, or Marvin Gaye. I don't listen to it quite as much as before, but if I am not quite sure how to get in the groove I hit play on "The Line" and it all syncs up.

2) Ray Lamontagne - Trouble
Enter my love of folk music. Subtle lyrics with simple melodies, Ray captures the tender heartaches that with which we are all too familiar. I discovered this album while living in the Blue Ridge mountains of NC. When this album hits my ears all I can see are winding roads , falling leaves, and sweeping mountain views.

1) Radiohead - In Rainbows
This album is it for me. End all. Push play. Repeat. I don't care what mood, location, or mode of operation I exist in, I can listen to this album in it's entirety and be completely satisfied. I have had Radiohead on my list of favorites for many years, but when In Rainbows entered my collection I have to say they are now Number 1.

Explore. New. Music.

2010-12-07T17:25:00.000-08:00

More music. Some is brand new to me (today), some is new in the past month, some is old music that has been revived in my playlists. Let's do this!

Macklemore x Ryan Lewis
Song: Vipassana
~I dig the simplicity of this unique blend of indie-hip hop. I am not an avid listener by any means - I found them on NPR, but I think I am going to dig further to see if I like more of their stuff. Like the article says, "It works".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Head and the Heart
Song: Lost in my Mind
~Classic singer/songwriter sound. Catchy, mellow, and easy to get lost in. Summer road trip with the windows down kind of music.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kanye West
Song: Lost in the World
~ Sampling Bon Iver's "Woods", West makes a huge leap between the indie genre and hip hop. His entire album is brilliant, but this song makes me the happiest due to the sample. I really like where hip hop is going right now in terms of blending sounds and embracing other instruments. Choral and symphonic sounds are really popular right now. Some of the combination's just give me the chills. Oh, and don't get me started on the dialogue at the end. Seriously, give it a listen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Plastician
Song: Japan
~I have been getting into a little DubStep thanks to a certain friend from Holland. I am not much of an industrial music fan, but this genre catches my ear every few tracks. This one in particular has a beautiful melody on top of soul grinding bass. Love. It.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
N.E.R.D
Song: The Man
~ Again, a unique cross-over of genres. You take your pick of what they are though. I just like the line "All my muffins!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feist
Song: That's what I say, It's not what I mean
~ I acquired some not-so-popular Feist albums awhile back and just recently started to listen to them. This song is so freaking dead on. Classic emo female indie tune. Slow and mildly depressing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Olive
Song: Smile
~ Portishead meets Massive Attack. Epic swells, female vocals, and lyrics to tear at your heart strings. A reminder that sometimes if you just keep smiling and saying the right thing eventually you will feel ok again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

End.

Emotion and Action

2010-11-03T18:58:00.000-07:00

~Wisdom of the Peaceful Warrior - Chapter 4: The Sword is Sharpening ~

"Nothing wrong with anger or any other emotion. Just pay attention to how you behave...Anger is a powerful tool to transform old habits...and replace them with new ones....Fear and sorrow inhibit action; anger generates it. When you learn to make proper use of your anger, you can change fear and sorrow to anger, then turn anger to action. That's the body's secret of internal alchemy."...

"How can I control my habits if I can't even seem to control my emotions?"

"You don't need to control emotions," he said, "Emotions are natural, like passing weather. The key is to transform the energy of emotion into constructive action."

We humans tend to live in a soap-opera existence, letting our emotions run the show. Believing that we have encountered problems, we seek ways to experience more positive emotions (like confidence and courage and compassion and motivation and passion) and to rid ourselves of so-called negative emotions (like fear and sorrow and anger) so that we can live well and behave better and accomplish more.

There are two basic methods to effect this change. Method One is quite popular: We quiet our minds and create empowering beliefs, practice positive self-talk, sharpen our focus, and affirm our power in order to free our emotions and visualize positive outcomes to develop self confidence and generate the courage to find the determination to make the commitment to feel sufficiently motivated to do whatever it is we need to do.
Method Two reflects the warrior's way: We just do it.

The caterpillar doesn't become a butterfly overnight. Some transformations take a little time.

Let's be gentle with ourselves as we turn from knowing into doing, and as we learn to use our emotions (instead of the other way around). As Mahatma Gandhi said, "As heat conserved becomes energy, our anger can become a power which can move the world."

~~~

While I didn't copy all of the passage, I tried to hit the main point. What a great rounding-out to my current train of thought these days. I embrace the thoughts given to me while sweating and shaking in various uncomfortable poses on the solitude of my yoga mat. "Embrace the stressful parts of your body. Breath through the tension. Take your practice into the rest of your life." I am slowly becoming more and more conscious and self-aware than ever before. Less judgment this time around.

As a recovering 'anger addict' I am coming to terms with the fact I use anger to manipulate those around me. A pattern I learned at an early age from parental figures (that are not longer in my life). Being upset at someone does not make them want to change - instead it instills fear and distrust. In the short term it creates strife, in the long run it pushes people away. Only the strong survive in my circle of friends. Only those who have stuck around long enough to realize (or care) that I am not an angry person...merely one who has allowed this emotion to run my life.

Being able to voice one's own opinion with grace, accept a change in plans, to allow life happen outside of expectations, are all decisions that are growing me into a much more content (happy) individual.

Red wine. Two bite brownies. Sade - Solider of Love. Life simply, is.

Snap! Crackle! Hop!

2010-11-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

Highlights and reflections from this weekend...

My first real foray into teaching at a regional event since, oh say, 4 years and it was a great time. I must admit that I was bummed to be missing my Fearsome Threesome of Michelle and Mead, or the fun of downtown Decatur - but in the end I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
Here are my highlights.

~Dancing in an old brothel on Friday night. Creepy and intriguing.
~Reminding myself why I don't particularly enjoy blues dances.
~Teaching aerials with Sosh and being super sore afterwards.
~Awesome students willing to be awkward and silly to learn safety and partnership.
~Tasty breakfast food.
~Amazing host with themed rooms. I slept in the 'Disney Princess' room.
~Decorating the halloween shaped cookies with non-halloween designs ranging from dirty to other holidays.
~E-Sparkle!! We were missing JoSparkle - but we broke it down either way.
~Dressing up as "Zombie Day at the Races Girl". My first year as a 'scary person'. It was also very fun to randomly chase Evita around making zombie noises.
~Taking a hip hop lesson on Sunday afternoon from a professional dancer. He just started to lindy hop in March and is freaking amazing already. We traded knowledge, dance for dance. I am pumped. MJQ this weekend for sure.
~Discovering new music. Slum Village Radio is my new jam.
~Meeting more people from the region, and meeting up with old friends.
~Sugar Glider of awesome.
~Still having blood stains from my zombie wounds. Sigh...the cheap stuff is hard to scrub off.
~Costume contest instead of J&J to win passes to dance events. I think this should happen on a more regular basis. Travel Gnome ftw!

The entire team of Red Hot Lindy Hop put together a very well-run event. It was small, personal, and full of enthusiastic students. I have found that I enjoy those kind of events more and more these days. The huge ones have a great energy, but the intimacy of only seeing the same 70 people all weekend can have it's bonuses too.

It was fun and challenging to teach big classes again. I dig it and hopefully will be able to travel around the SE more often.

of yoga, sweat, and tears

2010-10-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

"The more you let go the more you will be supported"

"Look deep inside yourself and accept everything that you find without judgment or criticism"

"Embrace the areas that you feel resistance. Sink into them and flow through the physical strife"

There are a variety of reasons one might start to practice yoga. Flexibility. Lose weight. Tone up. Physical therapy from an injury. I am not sure why I started. Maybe because running is one of my least favorite activities and I don't have access to a gym at which I feel comfortable. I started/learned a little yoga last summer and have continued to practice when I have time. However, an introduction to Hot Yoga this summer has me hooked. I don't mean 'hit the studio on the weekends', like, I crave it. I think about it at work and have to space out my sessions due to soreness. Can you overdo yoga?

I suppose I love the feeling of a heart workout without doing cardio. I love the sweating. I love the tone it gives my legs, and the definition it increases in my upper body. I dig the flow of bodies moving together, and the calm messages my instructor gives the class as we struggle to stand in one spot with a simple lift of a leg. Leaving the studio I feel as though I could leap over the skyscrapers of midtown and keep on going. That in itself is a good reason to keep going back.

However, in the midst of all the physical benefits I am starting to feel the emotional and mental impacts. More often than not at the end of class we will hit a pose of great reflection, like rabbit. Or the instructor will read an excerpt from a text that speaks into my life in a very direct way. I am starting to be able to reflect in other areas of my life. Be able to embrace stress and move through it. Be able to handle the extreme ups and downs that I fluctuate between - and not allow them to overpower my life.

Today I went to the "West Coast Power Flow" class due to the time slot. I just didn't want to go before 6:30. Todd was on the roster, of whom I have not taken a class from. I had my doubts, but I knew it was going to be a good class when he started with "Hi, this is the West Coast Power Flow class because I am from the west coast. Therefore, I am kinda weird, so this class is going to be kinda weird. Let's have some fun." My first genuine smile of the day stretched across my face and so the next 90 minutes of pure intensity began. Multiple kinds of inversions, warrior pose flows, seemingly endless vinyasa flows, 5 min non-stop ab workout, and some delightful stretching. I have never smiled, laughed, or felt more elated during a class. The last stretch (of which name I cannot remember) was leg over leg with heels on hips and a forward fold. Boom, there it was, the internal reflection feeling. And the tears. We moved eventually into almost a fetal position on our sides. Again, the tears. To finish there was 5 minutes of corpse pose with guided reflection of chakra placement and use. Laying there in the dim light, with my body opened up and exhausted I could feel it all start to pour out. Todd went to every person and assisted with shoulder and neck placement - upon which it intensified. Thank goodness for towels and sweat because wiping away the leakage was not noticeable. I am not sure why I cry when I go to class. I don't know what is releasing inside of me or finally allowing itself to be felt, but it does, effortlessly.

At the end of class a new student mentioned to the teacher that he had watched me and another student because "We were really good". I told him that I had just started and was really not experienced at all. Todd said "That is 'cause she has good body awareness, she is just doing what she can do. She doesn't care what other people are doing. She doesn't do Shoga." Student replies, "Shoga?" Todd, "Yeah, Shoga...you know...the girls that come in here to 'look pretty'" demonstrating with his arms stretched wide, "I love to look at myself in the mirror". I humbly said thank you, and that I truly enjoyed the message and experience of his class; that it was exactly what I needed tonight. It put me in the right place =)

So thank you, Todd. Thank you, Yoga. I am connecting to myself and my consciousness in ways that are finally feeling authentic.

I am not going to be too serious.
I am not going to take things too lightly.
I am going to be completely honest.
I am going to respect.
I am going to require respect.

New mottos. New life. Same me.

Saturation

2010-09-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

I swear this has been the first time I have seen a good soaking in weeks. Saturation. A thorough cleansing of the palate and soul. Such little entities of water create such a rush in a usually leisurely pace. The energy of the world slows down, and our speed to reach point A to point B increases all because of...rain.

When was the last time I simply stood in the rain? It has been awhile.

I feel as though I have reached my saturation point. Words splash out as my thoughts speed by, unchecked, due to an overflow of rushing emotion. My wipers of warrior calm are not enough to contain the scattered flood. And so? I just breathe...

I wrote a letter to my 'adopted' daughter in the Philippines. She is 7, and her name is Abbie. Her photo hangs on my fridge along with the letter she sent to me. I don't suppose I can afford the dollars per month, but it is a truly fulfilling sensation to know that my decision to stop for five minutes on the sidewalk in Seattle is now impacting another person half-way around the world. No, I don't want children right now - I have no desire for one actually - but the need to give back and be a global citizen is becoming more and more apparent. What have you done for the rest of the world lately? I don't think that everyone should adopt a child from a third-world country, but what if you made a conscious decision to do one thing for your community that was outside of your comfort zone?

Music for right now.

November by Max Richter

Smile by Olive

When you know...you don't know

2010-09-11T16:06:00.000-07:00

At 26 I should know. I should know who the one is. I should know I am doing the right thing. I should know where I am headed.

But, sometimes life flips the coin and suddenly you ask yourself, "Is this it?"

I know what I geek out on. I know what interests me - and I feel like I took the easy route down the job path. I could have taken the engineering courses in college, but I took the tech/ind arts path and then went into education. I don't really think that those who can't do teach. I know and work with some amazing teachers who are giving 100% of themselves everyday at their job. Changing lives, and growing the new generation of society. I love my job. I love the light bulb. But lately I am just wondering...

I would rather be building. Designing. Drawing. Inventing. Taking apart. Fixing. Using my brain and my hands for more than lessons plans, grading, and recording conduct cuts for children who cannot behave.

So I am looking at options. I would love to work in the alternative energy field - wind or solar specifically. I would love to get up and go to work with adults, putting knowledge to work for the good of the world. Calculate and create. Test, evaluate, and manufacture. I regret my decision to not take more challenging classes, or higher level math. I wish that I could put on my job application to a wind turbine company in Colorado that I have a degree in Mechanical Engineering and I would be the best pick for their CAD Engineer job opening. All my experience will not really add up to much against someone who has taken statics and structures, physics, and calculus 3. Sigh...

So options? Hmmm...I could go back to school? That would be interesting. I would want to apply for a Masters program, but I don't have the prerequisites. I could just 'take classes' until I had what I needed. Or, I could see if they would take me as a Master's student, and then take a shit ton of undergrad classes until I was caught up. Which would make everything take so much longer but might be the best option. I could be a research assistant, or teach classes to be able to be in school full time.

Bottom line? Something has to change. Seven lanes of traffic. 45 minute commute. Thirteen year olds that think they can talk to me with impatience. Grading worksheets that involve sentences like "Trains are good because they helped people move stuff and stuff". I am ready for some difficult brain work. I am ready to be hands on. I am ready to solve problems and work on a team of people that are working towards a similar goal. I am still on the path of 'world change' but I think that it might be a different one than education.

Other thoughts? Peace Corps. I have been thinking about re-applying. A few things hold me back, such as financial obligations, and my family - but the fact that it keeps floating to the forefront of my mind so often makes me think it might be a viable option in a year or so.

I have changed my life so often for other people. I moved to Atlanta for my friends. I went to Berea for my family. I went to App for the scholarship and the fact it was still close to home. When does life stop being about other people and about what the hell I want? I feel so old, yet I know I am so young. My entire life stretches out in front of me...what do I want to do?

IKEA This!!!!

2010-09-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

I am completely addicted to the IKEA Hacker blog.

What better way to feed my nerdy design techie side than read about people who bought bad ass furniture from Sweden and then made it EVEN BETTER!!??

I can't imagine. Check it out and follow it. Be happy.

IKEA Hacker Blog

Into the Wild: 2010

2010-09-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

In the tradition of writing posts about my adventures, I have titled my latest camping trip in the cheesiest manner possible. I don't suppose a canoeing trip that entails 3 coolers of beer as truly wild - but I like to think I was shirking the responsibilities usually associated with hygiene, food prep, and sleeping arrangements enough to feel as though I had stepped into a wild place.

After a calm Friday evening of packing, testing the tent in the kitchen, and a little grocery shopping the real adventure began around 6am on Saturday. We hit the road by 7:30ish and took 70 through the mountains. Although we were all a little grouchy and tired the caffeine and excitement kept us awake and singing through the 4 hour drive. Switching pilots about 3/4 of the way through helped too =) Michelle and I busied ourselves with stories about dancing and taking silly pictures.

Now that we were in the middle of bumblefuck Colorado, we were ready to go. We were shuttled up to a launch point of our choice, loaded up the gear and jumped into the canoes. Literally. The current was much stronger than we anticipated, there was a huge incline at the edge, and another camper had his huge freaking raft/boat tied up at the launch. So instead of calmly wading into the water it was more of a "jump in and try not to tip the canoe as it slams up against the raft". We succeeded in taking in about 5 gallons in our first three minutes. I have no idea how Michelle and David managed to stay dry. One quick stop with a dump fixed it quickly, and no gear was ruined.

One a communication system was set up we were good to go. Nothing like getting in a canoe with another person to learn your true nature - and theirs. I think Vinnie and I have enough Type A in us to not want to put up with any crap, so we worked it out after the first exciting "surprise you are are now paddling through rapids-around-a-curve" stretch. The only time we had to get out of the canoe in the first 13 miles was a stretch that was so low it was just pebbles and small rocks on the left of an island. It was either drag the loaded canoe for 5 minutes, or go over class 2 rapids. We decided on keeping our gear above the water and all in the boat. Good call. Wish I had some good water shoes. Keens or Chaco's?

The rest of day one was spent with our feet up, paddles in when needed, and soaking in the views.

Left: View from the co-pilot seat.

Right: Michelle and David keeping it real in the other canoe.

Fun things we saw along the way: Big Horned Sheep, an old bridge, ducks, and other campers.

Pic is super blurry but it's not like I took a $1000 camera on the canoe.

I just dig old bridges and buildings.

The campsite was found about an hour before dark. We set up the tents as the sun was setting, and then commenced the cooking and fire-making. Tons of driftwood lined the river so we had a great blaze in no time. Dinner was bratwurst, baked potatoes, fruit, and roasted marshmallows. The sunset was not much to scream about since it was behind a cliff wall, but after the sun disappeared, the beautiful outline as dusk set in was very satisfying. I spent a lot of time just looking around me in awe.

The sunrise was very peaceful and clear. I had forgotten that sleeping outside makes waking up very easy. Cue inspirational music and scripture verses floating across the screen.

Breakfast was eggs, bacon, bread/toast, avocado, fruit, and roasted marshmallows. I mean, we brought so many why waste them? A quick dip in the river was very, ahem, refreshing, and then I brushed my teeth with some Jim Beam. Feel the burn. I can't say that it was good for the breath, but my teeth felt pretty darn smooth. After packing up and frolicing around for a bit we took off for the second day - only 13 more miles to go. The launch went smoothly and it was much less intimidating that day 1.

There were certainly more rapids during the second leg, but they were all right away. The rest was just smooth sailing. Michelle and David spent a great deal of time laying down in their canoe, with it floating sideways. I think it was very representative of their chill personalities. Vinnie and I kept our canoe going the 'right' way most of the time. Taking turns at steering or watching for rapids we got into some deep conversations and a few arguments. Always a good time. Mostly though our excitement over being on the water was over, and we just were quiet, soaking in the landscape and beauty that surrounded us.

Describing it will never do it justice. Nor will the 100 pictures that I took. Just take my word for it. It was like I was in a different country. Different world. The colors were so vivid they almost hurt. The silence was so calming. Only wind, water, and a few bugs were all we could hear.

So, why did I do this? So many people have looked at me with complete surprise when I tell them I flew to Colorado to go camping. Why not? My life is open to whatever I decide I want to do. Options are endless. Adventure is optional. Living is not. I think that I am ready to be spontaneous as well as dependable. I am ready for the comfort of home, and to answer the call of the open road. I am so happy to have figured out what makes me happy - I only hope that for all of my friends.

You know what else makes me happy? My new Patagonia Refugio 28L day pack. Sigh....

Why not?

2010-08-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

Music share time...

1) Stateless: Bloodstream

I have never seen Vampire Diaries, nor do I any desire to, but this song just happens to have been used for the show, hence the youtube video backdrop image. No real reason for posting. It just came up on my Pandora station and it stuck in my head. Beautiful, flowing, and introspective, this song makes me just want to write in my journal or practice yoga.

2)Pretty Lights: Finally Moving

A friend posted about liking this group so I had to check them out. Very chill and jam style music with a hint of groove. I am totally down. If I were still in college I would probably put them on to finish a research paper. Will be adding this to my Pandora stations shortly.

3) Ray LaMontagne: God Willin' and the Creek Don't Rise

I was counting the days until his new album, and once again Ray has not let me down. The latest installment is a bit more melancholy, almost every song is about a breakup, moving on, or lost love, so if you are not in that mood this might not be your favorite album of his. However, the title track grabbed me from the first note. He sings about the beautiful Carolina mountains and his girl back home. What is there not to like about that? Again, this is a slower, more introspective album with a distinctly old country twang, but Ray does not veer too far from his slightly 'weird indie americana' sound that makes him so accessible. Love it.

4) MGMT - Electric Feel

Michelle put this as the first track on her latest mixed cd, and it is still one of my favorites off of her random compilation of awesome. Vinnie played it in the car when I was there, not knowing my affinity or connection to the song, and from then on it is my direct soundline to Boulder. Enough said.

5) Greg Laswell: And Then You

I have no idea how I do not have this album. Paycheck this week = purchase asap. What a beautiful melody and underlying rhythm. The lyrics speak to me as well, but my initial attraction to the song is the piano. I dislike that some of my favorite artists are associated with tv shows that I have never even seen. But, seriously, worth a listen. His other albums are equally excellent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The past few weeks have been an exploration in the question of "Why not?". Some people might say, "Because I can." - which is a perfectly good reason. But, in my growing realization that I really can do whatever the hell I want, I am riding a sine wave of emotions.

It started with driving to ILHC last weekend on the encouragement of multiple friends and 4 shots of espresso. It was a great answer to my question and I regret...nothing about it. I stayed with two different hosts who were so gracious as to spare some space and a shower, and hung out with new and old friends. Although I missed the Friday main dance and comps, I caught the live jam band and hallway dancing. Win. Instant shenanigans started with Jo and we didn't stop all weekend. Pretty sure we were either planning fun, having fun, or recounting fun for 2 days straight. Just wait until Lindy Focus...just wait. The Glitter Ninja Sparkle Team will strike!!!
Although I didn't compete or attend any classes (which was a huge boo) I still basked in the enjoyment of all the kick-assery that was presented in each division. Everyone brought their A game and it was inspiring to see.
Andrew and I were able to cram in a couple hours of practice despite our sleep deprived, hungover state of being. I am really pumped to just run through the choreo until we can do it in our sleep. Fingers crossed we can catch up in October as planned.
The best quote ever "F*ck that shit. I brought mah rain boots" is part of a longer story that will have to wait until I see you in person. But just for the record, I still have my job ;)

Friday night was an impulsive decision of going to MJQ to enjoy the best hip hop dance night in the A. Again, I regret...nothing about it. I was surrounded by people, and didn't have to connect to anyone or anything besides the music. I found some cool people to dance with, had a couple drinks, and then found my way home when it was starting to thin out around 2:30. There is nothing like getting lost in the crowd of energy and excellent music. No judgment, so social status, just the rhythms and your body moving. Soul, 70s, 80s, 90s, reggae, current rap, east coast, west coast, chicago, dirty south - they play everything. Everyone is so happy at that club, it makes me want to go back with my best of friends.

The ability to ask myself "Why not?" stems from so much more than the newfound freedom of not being in a relationship. It comes from a past of control, expectations, and overcoming the belief that my desires and opinions did not matter. It isn't about rebellion or flipping the world off. It is a genuine look at myself and asking, "Why don't you do what truly makes you happy? Why hold back? Why worry about other people? Why not?"

It is an amazing feeling. Take it. Leave it. Judge it. Use it. I don't care. It is just the place I am in right now. Sometimes it slips away...but I am going to keep asking myself this question until I can really experience life to my fullest extent.

Summer Adventures 2010 - Boulder, CO

2010-07-31T14:28:00.000-07:00

Wow. Where to begin? Where to end? Boulder greeted me in the dark of night and didn't let me go for ten days. I feel as though my heart and soul has not quite left, even though I have been home for 6 days. I cannot let the dream go. Cannot get the view of the mountains out of my head. My mind refuses to give in to the sensation of 'being home'.

So many adventures. So much laughter. Sunshine. Fresh air. Freezing creek water. Beer. Friends. Cookouts. Late night bike rides. Afternoon hikes. Wine. Fancy dinners. Tours. Wind turbines. Yoga. Dancing. Softball games. Surprises. Empty bank accounts. Group breakfasts. In-house chef. Underground bars. Pool. Jukeboxes. Tubing.

I feel as though making a list of activities would somehow lessen the impact of my memories. There are, however, a few notes that I would like to make.
1. Hot Yoga is by far my favorite physical workout.

2. Old friends mixed with new friends = epic fun.
3. Riding a skateboard while holding on to a bike might sound dangerous but is in fact quite easy - especially at 11pm in the cyclist lane.

4. Zucchini themed cookouts with are a fantastic mix of creative people and dishes. Especially when an old school boom box is rockin' some Led Zeppelin.

5. 50 degree water from the mountains is not so bad when it is 95 degrees outside.
6. Don't wear expensive sunglasses when tubing. You will lose them promptly. Luckily mine were only $2.

7. Invest in a camel pack for even a day hike. Red rocks and dry heat are not a nice combination. But the view is spectacular.

8. There are a lot of free things to do in CO, including Coors tour, wine tastings, the farmers market, hanging by the creek, and late night drum circles.

9. There is snow on the mountains in July.
10. There are more small farmers market grocery stores than regular ones - and they are significantly cheaper than Whole Foods or Earth Fare.

I loved Boulder so much that I extended my trip from Thursday to Sunday. I just had to scrape together the moolah to pay the ticket change fee. Other than that I was free to simply make my own decisions. Thanks to my generous friends I was able to eat and have a roof over my head. Thanks, Michelle =)

Refreshing. Uplifting. Soul-cleansing. All words that help describe how I felt while in the presence of the mountains. Being around people that share my mindset on health, food, life style, humor, and attitude. Bikes everywhere. Canvas grocery bags. Recycle bins. Easygoing laughter. Excellent beer. It was so comfortable - like I was already home. New friends and faces greeted me at a cookout and remained in my circle of companions for the rest of the week. It was like being in Boone but with more variety and a better view.
Michelle and I ventured out dancing a few times. Some venues were hits, some were misses. It was good to dance in a new scene, although it was hard to find a fun dance through all the people being cliques. Oh well...

As the last stop on my summer travels Boulder proved to be the most invigorating. I felt as though I was truly on vacation. My hosts were very generous, I spend a lot of time outside, did a few tourist attractions, and got to know some locals.
Labor day weekend is but four weeks away. My plane ticket is all but purchased. A two night, two day canoe trip is planned. Camping, marshmallows, stars, hiking, swimming, and adventure. Hello, Colorado, you are my new destination for life and laughter.

Attachment and Suffering

2010-07-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

"If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you cant hold onto it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change, free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality."

"Socrates, you can really be depressing, you know that? If life is nothing but suffering, then why bother at all?"

"Life is not suffering; it's just that you will suffer it, rather than enjoy it, until you let go of your mind's attachments and just go for the ride"
~Wisdom of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman

Unpacking books that have been tucked away for over a year now, I ran across a text that has helped me refocus more than once. I opened it and began some serious meditation last night. Life with a sense of calmness and not urgency. Living with a peace and not strife. Breathe.

Summer Adventures 2010 - Seattle

2010-07-29T12:20:00.000-07:00

Another push pin on my map of new places, Seattle proved to be a destination worth noting. I stayed with Mike and Melanie on Capitol Hill, aka, hipster village. Surrounded by brick buildings, bikes, and coffee of epic delightfulness, I felt at home right away.

So much happened in six days that I will recount in typical list format to clarify my thoughts. My overall response to the city was that of 'comfort'. It was beautiful, clean, easy to navigate, and full of diversity. I spent a great deal of time alone, wandering around, or exploring with my handy iPhizzle maps.

1. Dancing at the ballroom was good times. We went, twice? Yes, only twice. I was pleasantly surprised at how friendly everyone was. I only sat out the first song and then could barely sit down for all the asking. Ranging from professional to excited first timer, it was nice to smile at new faces and discover new movement to a familiar dance. The music was comparable to home. With all the hype I expected to be blown away, but instead reassured that the DJ's are about on par.
I went to Tuesday night practice with the few people that remained in town. Working on a bit of my own choreo, I was inspired by the creativity that was in the room. How refreshing.

2. Exploring downtown consisted of maps, headphones, and Minus the Bear radio. I ventured to the space needle, and wandered around the park to see the other tourists looking quite parched and over exerted. Pike Street Market was full of flashing cameras and flying fish. About 10 minutes of such a spectacle and I was off down the crowded corridor to encounter more sights and smells to overwhelm the senses.

3. Live music. Mike had a gig with a gyspy jazz band on my last night in town. So we packed up his gear and took the bus down to 1st street. A tiny French Cafe crammed in a row of tables and one booth. Standing room only at the bar, and a corner for the band. During the first set I wandered down to the docks, navigating the steep hill and tiny alleys. Although it wasn't quite the ocean, it still boasted a beautiful sunset over the water. The boats were going to and fro, wind whipping my hair, and couples strolled hand-in-hand, reminding me of a vague unmemorable cliche.
Upon returning to the cafe I found dinner in the form of a cherry sausage sandwich complete with horseradish, and a glass of red wine. The music floated over the busy patrons, infiltrating the air with melodies from decades past. Mike rocked out on rhythm guitar, fitting in with the bass, violin, and lead guitar that completed the group. I took up conversation with the people I was sqeezed between on the long bench. It was delightfully un-american to be so close to strangers in a public venue. Elbow room? Not in your dreams. We all shared menu preferences, and a basket of fries.

4. Nuage the Ninchilla. Cutest freaking pet ever. Period. The resident pet practically ran the place with his adorableness. While depositing an impressive number of droppings, he still earned a place in my heart as newest furry creature of choice. He didn't make much noise, could climb and jump like a true mountain bad ass, and enjoyed being held. My favorite moment was when Melanie and I came home to Nuage chilling on Mike's stomach as he practiced his intervals on his iPad. If there were ever a musical chinchilla, it would be Nuage.

5. Cake-eoke. Not entirely certain how this was any different from regular karaoke, but apparently it was. I rocked out some Janis Joplin and Joan Jett. Joshua had other ideas. Elton John, and another song were his choices. It was a good time supplemented by Moose Drool Beer. Yes, true story.

6. Independent streak. I have always had one, but decided to personify it as a blonde section in my hair. Melanie took my idea and did a more kick ass job than I could ever have imagined. I am still enjoying it...think it will be around for awhile.

7. I was able to catch lunch with an old friend from college, Carrie Causey. She and her her husband were in a few classes with me at Berea, and although they were two years ahead, were always nice to my very unique, punk self. They recently moved to Seattle with their daughter, Abigail. It was great to catch up and see my friends thriving and doing what they love, where they love. Memories were shared, stories told, and I made friends with the 3 year old with a glass of ice. I love kids.

8. Speaking of kids I 'adopted' a child while in Seattle. Walking up to meet M&M for a movie I was stopped on the street by a Children's International rep. Armed with a clipboard, beard, and smile, he talked to me for a few minutes. This is something I have always wanted to do (I mean, come on, I was about to go into the Peace Corps) but this moment seemed like the perfect time. I mean, I could have walked away, really, but this was just a surreal day full of spontaneous experiences that I couldn't ignore. In a matter of minutes I signed up to sponsor a girl in the Philippines for $22 a month. I spent the next day feeling quite strange and questioning my decision. Now that I am home and have her picture on my fridge, and her story in my hands I am excited. She is 7 years old, her name is Abbie, and she has two parents and an older brother. I cannot wait to receive her first letter and write back. While not ready for child of my own, I am ready to live a life thinking outside of myself.

Overall Seattle was a nice respite. I did a lot of thinking, journaling, and time alone. The dancing was high quality, the hosting exceptional, and I made a few new friends. Upon leaving I put it at the top of my list of new home choices. We will see...

In-between Adventures - LV --> Seattle

2010-07-29T12:19:00.002-07:00

"Is it possible to put this night to tune
And move it to you?"

Sometimes the best part of life is the journey and not just the destinations. We tend to remember in groups of collected events. But what happened between those moments? What occurred during the simple seconds? What did the drive look like? How did the wind feel during your stroll down the sidewalk? How comfortable, or uncomfortable, were the chairs in the airport? Patient enjoyment of the in-between moments make travel so much richer. So much more worthwhile.

The Vegas airport held a grandmother and her 7 year old grandson waiting to go to LA for a continuation of their own summer adventure. I attracted their friendship by plugging in the iPad and using it for a couple minutes. I demonstrated a few apps and then ended up sitting with them for the remainder of our wait. He attends a Montessori school in Dallas and travels the world with his grandma every summer. She, well, travels and is an artist of sorts. She was home schooled and so was her daughter/his mother. When I raised an eyebrow she said "well we were living in Brazil at the time and didn't have much of an option" Fair enough. My nomadic childhood did not provide for many options either, so I understood her more than she might have thought.
The three of sat together, watching a movie on his tiny DVD player, and conversing about education and travel. A very sharp 7 year old is a hilarious conversation. He was so earnest. I suppose I was looking forward to solitude, but this was a refreshing and eye-opening alternative.

On the plane a mother with a young son was concerned that they were seated separately, so I gave her my seat and moved one row forward. Causing aisle traffic and a lot of unnecessary movement, I felt as though her discomfort would affect the flight more than me giving up my window seat.
As fate would dictate I ended up with a great seat buddy. An entrepreneur from Shanghai living in Seattle and the father of two Ivy League daughters, the gentleman proved to be a fantastic conversationalist. We discussed the raising of children, public school, and the demise of the economy. So many people recognize the lack of quality in our schools, the missing component of applied learning, and the over-emphasis on higher education in lieu of a trade that strengthens the foundation of the economy. So why the hell has nothing changed? Why are 'non-academic classes' looked down on? Why are trade high schools and colleges not as respected? We talked about our frustrations with the lack of structure and direction at an early age in American schools. However, I did learn that our graduate schools are the best in the world in terms of creativity and accomplishments. The challenge we face as a nation is to close the gap between the very low performing and very high performing. Needless to say it was a long conversation. I also got some world travel tips. My resolve to get out of the country for a summer is getting even stronger.

I found my window seat at the back of the next flight. We were delayed a few minutes due to Biden arriving at LAX and taking his sweet time getting on his plane to depart. Within 24 hours I was in next door proximity to the Pres and Vice Pres. Snazzy.

Arriving in Seattle was easy. I was finally feeling the butterflies of excitement when I got on the light rail - or maybe it was caffeine jitters - either way it was finally sinking in that I was really here.

Don't underestimate the in between. Love the silence and the noise. Be aware. Be conscious. Wonder. Question. Accept.

I am here to dance. To meet people. To live outside the box. See new sights and soak in a city a world away from home. Another push pin on my map of "Been There. Done That. Loved It."

Oh, and Seattle has the best damn coffee. Period.

Summer Adventures 2010 - Vegas!

2010-07-29T12:19:00.001-07:00

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right? Sure...
Well this was a fairly laid back trip, punctuated by moments only found in Sin City. I don't know if I am in love though. I have no desire to gamble, and there are only so many people I can take before wanting quiet solitude. It was impressive, overwhelming, and very shiny.

1. Staying at the Palms was a great choice. Quieter than the strip. A bit more upscale and 'MTV generation' crowd. Almost no families - which means no screaming kids. Complete with multiple night clubs, movie theater, restaurants, and casino we didn't need to leave except for a show. The pool was swanky, with lots of eye candy, cabanas, and chilly water. Mmmmm... I spent too much time on Wed and got nice and crispy.

2. Lance Burton. Going from having never seen a live magic show (not counting Jonathan) to seeing Magician of the Year (11 years in a row) was a leap of quality. Everything from doves, scarves, fire, ladies, swords, disappearing, appearing, levitation, and skeletons. My favorite were the ducks. Especially when they started waddling around the stage in a line. Eeeee!!! I almost jumped out of my seat with childlike glee. As a person privy to a few secrets of magic due to a certain friend (ahem) I was still very entertained. Apparently he is retiring in September, so I am happy I got to see him live at least once =)

3. Cirque du Soleil - 'O'. I was told to see this particular show by a variety of people and i am glad i listened. What a display of visual and kinetic art. Because the 'floor' was a huge tank of water with moving platforms the depth of the performances were increased tenfold. Literally and visually. In dance you can only get so low - but with the freedom of the water the performers could simply disappear. With a splash or smooth slice, their instant removal from the stage freed up the choreography to move quickly. The audience's attention could be redirected with ease. I enjoyed the multicultural aspect; there were pieces with distinct themes from different parts of the world. I loved the diving piece with the three 'swings'. My biggest reaction was to the fire jugglers though. Using a warm element and a wet element at the same time was visually jarring. There were people dancing and splashing in the water while fire was being passed around in a most impressive and seemingly dangerous manner. Also, the tension created by a man being set on fire and simply walking off stage instead of jumping in the water - or being doused - was interesting.
Water evokes a sense of cold or coolness due to color and texture. Adding metal shapes in which the gymnasts were performing on added to the feeling of danger. We all know water is slippery. What a bold element to add to a show full of already the hight of technical dance and acrobatic ability. Summary? Loved it. See it if you can. Clowns can be hilarious and not scary.

4. To waste time on Thursday afternoon we went to the theater in the Palms and saw Twilight. Yes, you can laugh. I consider myself to be much deeper than those movies - and I did laugh at times that were not suppers to be funny - but they are entertaining and appeal to the hopeless romantic deep inside. However, the books are much more revealing of each character. I am not a fan of the actors to say the least. Oh yeah, and I am totally Team Jacob. Helloooo??? Sense of humor, fit, and expressive. Edward (as depicted on screen) needs to develop a personality. There is only so much strong sullen silence that can go on before I want to shake him.

5. Did a lot of walking around and gawking at the lights, people, and buildings. Damn, everything here is enormous. Shopping, streets, hotels, and boobs.

6. Playboy Club!!! Although Wednesday was a slow night we headed up to the fifty-something floor to the Bunny suite. It was very classy and 60s-esque. The dealers were dressed like bunnies, and so were the waitresses. I tried to get a pic with two girls but it was so dark that it didn't really show up. Boo iPhone! Either way we enjoyed the view, I had a couple drinks, and we watched the few people that were there with great amusement. Yeah, it was baller. Straight baller. I just wish I could have been able to grab one of the bunny tails...they were just so...inviting...and fluffy...

My last day here has been spent alone due to a flight booking mixup. Yes, silly me. However it is nice to get some solitude. I have been with people nonstop for the past couple weeks and am looking towards a new place for 6 days of new people. Yoga, pool, and some Starbucks (meh) have gotten me through the day. My flight leaves tonight for Seattle. I am ready to get out of Vegas and onto a place with less extravagant prices, clothing, tans, and noise. Adventure. Freedom. New city. Here I come.

Summer Adventures 2010 - Austin, TX

2010-07-29T12:18:00.000-07:00

A new city to add to my list. Guessing from my travels as a child I have probably Been to Texas before - but not long enough to remember or think much of it. I think I will go back soon...

1. Dancing at the East Side Showroom was a highlight. Our first night and best night of lindy hop. The band was ridiculous hilarious, and energizing. I wish we had more weekly music in the ATL - or at least more hot jazz in general. Snagged a bunch of great dances and got to meet the local crowd.

2. Rent party/Jam session. I admit that i was hesitant to go to a party that was not for dancers and was going to be all jamming and beer drinking. Luckily I was totally wrong. The musicians were awesome and the variety of faces made it quite comfortable. Terrace picked up the jug and joined the band quite readily. After a few beers and words of encouragement i joined LG on vocals if i knew the song. A dance and conversation on the porch made it an evening that made me want to move to Austin. Not that i am going to any time soon - but it is an option.

3. Blacks BBQ!! I am not a big BBQ person but the 45 min drive and 20 min wait was worth it. I am a believer.

4. Game night and Karaoke. Once again we had a social evening with the local 'crew'. I think this is the first time I a long while that i actually enjoyed playing games. And what can be bad about 2am Karaoke?? Nothing.

Those were the high points. So much happened and it was all quite delightful. Ours hosts were fantastic - thanks Bp & J =) Despite the antics and allergies of Wingy I loved seeing them. I am going to make a concerted effort to visit sooner than later. Next time maybe with a car and more time to explore and visit other Texans.

7/8/08

2010-07-08T23:24:00.000-07:00

An old journal entry written on my flight home from Massachusetts. It is a reflection on gratefulness, and an interesting conversation i had with my Aunt.

When you want to grumble about the woes of your finely picked life, the carefully sorted minutes that make you so safe and comfortable, realize that someone, somewhere is praying for rain.
----
The elegant vanilla sky viewed from above does not speak of the disastrous storm below. Instead, an unexpected range of delicately spun water droplets. So easily sliced through. So dangerous to e mere mortals beneath their cover. Effortless beauty.
---
As with most things such as flavor or sock height, life boils down to perspective - or preference. Your reality of normal is just that, yours. Granted, it has probably been uneloquently placed upon your psyche with such a vengeance that you realize nothing else as acceptable.
There is freedom in change. Freedom in finding a new viewpoint. So why do we stay in our comfortable little shells of reality? Exactly. It is comfortable, and we are creatures of comfort. We dare not to stop coloring our hair for fear of the discomfort it will cause those around us, and how that will reflect upon ourselves. How selfish. I suppose so. In other ways it keeps us connected. Emotionally dependent as a society. By caring about there we care about ourselves. So are we truly caring about others for the sake of them? No, it is a selfish care in which we seek the reflection of anthers friendship to fortify our ego.

No that coloring ones hair is the downfall of mankind. Rather, a manifestation of our endless vanity; the conflict of our self-seeking nature and communal dependency.

So, create your own reality. Be in your world. Be a part of it. Serve your fellow humankind. Do not be enslaved by such petty realities. Be yourself in all your amazing and unbelievably honest unique self.

Summer Adventures 2010

2010-06-29T11:05:00.000-07:00

So a slightly more clarified and updated calendar of when and where I will be during July.
Some of the later dates are a bit less firm, so I am open to suggestions.

July 1 - 6: Austin (Brooks and Jo!)

July 6 - 9: Las Vegas (for the loose slots, of course)

July 9 - 15: Seattle (why not??)

July 15 - 22: Boulder/Denver (Shizzle!! Rizzle!! Hippies!! Mountains!! Dancing!!)

After that I have no clue. I was planning on going to NOLA, but I am not so sure anymore. St. Louis is looking like a big question mark as well. Hell, maybe I will just come back to Atlanta. Or head to the Boston area. We will see...

As for now? I love my new condo. I feel so grateful for the space and amenities. Great location and although the whole 'mail and parking pass' fiasco was a bit stressful with my traveling they are all taken care of.

Growth so far? Hmmm...well, I am challenging myself within my teaching. I feel as though my experience in the class room has lent itself to being able to break down dance concepts into more manageable parts to better translate a complex concept. The few lessons I have been able to observe have taught me a lot. While in class more often than paying attention to the concept I am watching how the teachers teach it. Backwards I suppose, but the ability to teach anything is highly under appreciated. Sure, anyone can get up and say "one two, three and four..." but to actually have a group of people be able to assimilate the knowledge takes patience, a variety of methods, repetition, and the ability to tap into the students level of learning. I actually get serious stage fright while in the center of a circle of students...but with careful planning and an intense focus on the students it slowly subsides. My goal is to be able to plan coherent classes with concepts that align and build upon each other, culminating in movement/move that is applicable in a social situation. I like to think of it as 'layering'. Like a cake =)

The Beautiful Mess of Life

2010-05-18T07:13:00.001-07:00

Once again the Illuminated Mind has hit a perfect nerve for me and the time of life that I find myself pushing through.

We all have some part of ourselves that is not 'acceptable'. Not mainstream. Not with the current trends of 'what life is supposed to be like'. Instead of thinking of my desire to travel and always push for change as negative, I have chosen to accept and embrace them.

I learned a long time ago that anger is healthy. I allow myself to be frustrated or angry and just get it out. In the long run this lets off steam and I find my tempter to be much more calm and sustainable.

How does this sit with you?

How to Allow and Move Past Negative Patterns

Habits, Lifestyle, Changes

2010-04-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

Great blog today on Illuminated Mind. I am constantly trying to outwit my habits in order to grow and change as a person. Being stagnate in work, dance, emotional well-being, and relationships drives me absolutely nuts. Now, don't get me wrong, the feeling of contentment is not be confused with stagnant. If I am never satisfied then I am simply wasting my time and not enjoying where I am or what I am doing. But, to settle is not an option.
Like cleaning out a closet, I enjoy the reflection and questioning of habits and beliefs that make up my person. Some I keep, some I ponder on, and some I make the decision to change (or throw out).

"Nothing is set in stone. Everything is open." One of my friends posted that as her status. Deep. Obvious. Very true. That is what I love about life. I could be at this school for another 5 or 20 years. I might take a job in Nebraska, or Philly, or Chicago, or Seattle next year. Who knows? I have options and I love that. In fact, a lack of options or freedom makes me nervous.

Anyway, I will stop rambling. The views in the blog are not ones in which I fully agree, but are definitely worth noting and digesting.

Seven Weird Habits that Will Change Your Life

Lefty Views and an Article of Great Interest

2010-04-22T08:02:00.001-07:00

Upon reading this and other opinions/articles that so aptly point out the craziness that is our right winged media, it makes me recall a certain era in Britain's history where church and state were not separate. A king ruled and God spoke through the King. Whatever he said was The word of God. A coincidence with Glenn Beck saying that God is telling him "The Plan"? Hmmmm... Let's just say that we all know from our history books that there was no middle class with a ruling system like that, and there was no leadership - only fear.

Now I am not a 'socialist' or a 'communist', but I do believe that when people are working together to support each other, and have compassion in a community sense, that a thriving society can be created. I read an article in the Worcester, MA Telegram about a group of High School students that studied cultures in Kenya that had incredibly low crime rates. There was a high percentage of compassion taught in the home and schools, and there was a sense of sharing responsibility among the members. Unfortunately I cannot find the article (darn!), but it stuck out in my memory as a lesson to our current attitude of entitlement. Now, I am all for working hard to earn your way, and everyone should have equal opportunity - but when it goes unbridled and unchecked a severe imbalance can occur - like we see today with banks that are too big to fail.

So, with my first blatant political views out in the open air I will let you read the article.

Huffington Post: Glenn Beck: the Televangelist Con Man Selling God's Plan for America

Anniversary

2010-04-19T07:07:00.000-07:00

Can you hear that? It is the sound of silence. Of 2400 middle school students reading and filling in tiny bubbles to determine their level of learning for the 09-10 school year. Thank you board of Education for boiling it down to one week of pencil, paper, and hundreds of multiple choice questions. I am eternally grateful for my career as a non-academic teacher.

One year later I am sitting in the same seat, feeling a little bit the same and a whole lot different. It is CRCT week - which is Georgia's state-wide standardized test for children enrolled in the public school system. What this means is that for about 3 hours they sit in complete silence and read questions and fill in little bubbles. what it means for me is that I get to sit for those three hours on a bench and proctor the classes in case a teacher needs to be relieved or a student needs to go to the bathroom. Wooooo.... At least I get internet access and am able to complete a great deal of thinking and work. And lose almost all feeling in my behind. Ouch.

This time last year I was doing the master cleanse. I distinctly recall making my little drinks and having at least 3 beside me along with enough water to drown a hippo. Which is nearly impossible. Anyway, it was a very interesting experience and thinking back I realize how much has changed about my attitude at work and about my self in one year. Basically, since then, I have become extremely aware of what goes into my body in relation to what I want to come out. No, not in that gross way - but rather the energy levels that I am able to maintain, the lack of 'puffy face' syndrome, and the lack of sick days taken this year. (which btw, is ZERO) I feel so much healthier, am able to maintain a consistent weight, and don't wake up feeling like the walking dead. It is a nice change. No coffee, very very little dairy, almost no bread/pastries/biscuits baked things, and the addition of even more simple raw foods. Another change is my appreciation of my foods. I used to hate cooking or eating but now it is a joy to go shopping and prepare my meals. It is nice to take the time and create meals full of color and food groups that give me energy - not sap it. I digress.

~~~~~~~

Work? Yes, that is coming along nicely. Finishing out my second year with a greater feeling of accomplishment. I have participated in more school/community activities, ran a Robotics Club, gotten more kids to sign up for Engineering electives in high school, and overall been on top of grades, discipline, and lesson plans more than ever.

~~~~~~

Rough outline of plans/goals for the rest of Spring and Summer...

That Rhythm Thing April 30- invited to the masters class. Also taking a private with Peter. Taking along a couple of leads that need to get some serious national level instruction. I love it when 'new' dancers take the initiative to further their education outside of the local scene =)

Nashville: June 4-9th - teaching local classes, and working on shtuff with Reuel.

St. Louis: June 10-15th - Terrace and I will take a trip to see the family out west.

Late June? Hang out in Atlanta unless something else comes up. Save my moolah and buy some tickets...Maybe hit a Braves game or two.

July = One way tickets and a small suitcase.
Boston, MA - Visit the New England Family
Austin, TX - Brooks and Jo!
Boulder/Denver, CO - Michelle! Andrew! Dancing!
Seattle, WA - Just because I want to and have never been before. Oh, and I was invited =)

August = Southern Belle - taking classes!!
Sept = Artist in Residence - Falty
ULHS in NOLA
Oct = Atlanta Varsity Showdown - teaching and performing
Knoxville Lindy Exchange
Teaching at Snap! Crackle! Pop in Memphis w/ Sosh
Nov = ??
Dec = Lindy Focus Time!!!
~~~~~~

So yeah, that about sums it up.

Goals. Plans. Dreams. Reality

2009-09-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

Bon Iver radio is always a good choice.

Feelings of accomplishment:

With nothing to do for two days during the Great Floods, I sat in the Alcove and created my first website. Check it: lindsaylongstreth.weebly.com

I lowered my ridiculous student loan payments and cut back on a couple of 'extra' expenses. These furlough days are really the suck. $200 less per month is a hard hit to take right now...

Now, on to the reason for this post. Organizing ideas, plans, and goals that I intend to make reality.

Goals for the month:

1. Paint my living space. Khaki is certainly the most god-awful color for a home. It is not green, not yellow, and not brown. One of those in-between colors that cannot make up it's mind depending on the light and time of day. Basically it is mild vomit mixed with 70's porn hotel color. Boo.
I am going to paint one wall chocolate brown. The rest will be a subtle steamed milk look - enough color to not be white, but white enough to contrast nicely. 2/3rds of the way to the right on the chocolate wall will be a 2' wide vertical stripe. 12" mirrors and b/w photography will grace the stripe.
On the dining room wall I am still going to hang a cluster of mirrors, only they will have some 12" chocolate squares to accent and tie it to the living room.
The kitchen will be the neutral color...I think...and I am going to do something mildly artistic around the enormous mirror that is currently on the far wall. Still taking idea applications...

2. Buy a floor lamp. My landlord came by and picked up the one that was left and they said I could keep. Well, it doesn't really matter anyway...it was covered in paint and hand prints.

3. Buy a welcome mat. The strip of carpet is just looking worse and worse.

4. Replace the shower head. It is perfectly suited for, oh say, Joanna, but not a person of average height. (Not to say you are short Little Liza, but we all know everyone can't be fun sized).

5. Drive to NoLa, dance my feet off at ULHS, and make a good representation for the Southeast in Comps.

6. Get at least one student for private lessons.

7. Leave work before 6pm on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Goals for the rest of the year:

1. Replace the fluorescent light above the sink. It is just very...cheap hotel. I am thinking of some modern track lighting.

2. New tires for Lola.

3. Perform at Lindy Focus.

4. Start a consulting business for parents that have decided to school their children at home.

5. Go to at least one more live concert. Ray Lamontagne is Nov 1st.

Making lists helps. In more ways than one. Let me know what you think of my goals...or if you can help any of them happen sooner/faster =)

.

Projects

2009-09-13T18:00:00.000-07:00

I love fixing things. Cleaning things. Re-doing. Re-using. Re-making.
I think it runs in the exceedingly German part of my family.

This weekend was supposed to be relaxing and although it felt great, it turned out to be quite productive too.

1 - I sanded down and have almost both coats of stain on the futon frame that I recently purchased from another dancer. It is oak, and has a light finish, and although affordable, totally not my style. So, it now has a nice dark color. The forest green cover has been replaced with a light tan one. Result? Sort of IKEA looking color scheme of light sofa with dark wood trim. Yay! I still need to put the poly on.

2 - Cleaned out my hall closet that had turned into a catch-all after I moved in. What should I do with this? Put it in one of my 4 extra closets. Yes, i said extra. I have a bedroom closet that is not even close to being full plus an equally large on in the bathroom, two in the hallway, and one by the front door. It friggin' rocks.

3 - Cleaned out and got rid of some boxes that I had not unpacked yet. Felt good to say the least.

4 - Hung some of my black and white photographs and favorite Saves the Day framed poster. It is starting to look like someone actually lives here.

5 - Cooked a great brunch for myself. I have discovered a fondness for cooking these days. Having a kitchen to myself and a fridge that I can actually put food into and cupboards that have room makes it so much easier. I am actually looking forward to tomorrow night when I can make dinner =)

6 - Wrote down and organized my goals. Some of them are small and will get done this week, and some of them are 'Big Idea' kind of goals that will take some time to set up and follow through. I have been thinking about starting a business as a side income and way to take some of my passions and non-teaching skill sets and put them to use. We will see how it turns out...

7 - Fixed one of my cheap but nice looking kitchen chairs. Also sanded down, refinished, and poly coated the incredibly cheap and left behind IKEA side table that is on my porch. Complete with a new cloth cover and festive tiny gourd it almost looks like a home out there.

Oh yeah...I also did laundry, went to two housewarming parties, graded all papers, and fixed my bathroom sink. It has been a very productive and relaxing two days. I am ready to take on this week.

(In parenthesis) Ramblings in Brown Ink in Minneapolis

2009-08-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

We desire outcomes. We are so much more at ease with a reliable answer to our questions. Yet the future is impossible to grasp for more than the split moment in time for which it occurs. Flying past at an uncontrollable speed, we experience our future while still wondering what will happen next.

~~~~~~

This continual evaporation of life keeps us satisfied for as long as the few destinations we desire allow. Looking ahead only pains the present. And yet, we continue.

~~~~~~

It makes me ponder. Refusing to acknowledge the reality of my inconsistent choices, unable to foresee the repeatable future, I commence a pattern in which I hold more weight in my selfish present than the malleable what is to come.

~~~~~~

Escape. A familiar word, often used, often abused. Often found. More often lost. Time offers such beauty. And takes it away...

Epic Road Trip 2K9: Massachusetts

2009-08-16T16:19:00.000-07:00

I dare say that after 6 weeks I will not remember much of what happened in Massachusetts. I left my laptop cable at my Grandparents and did not get it back until Denver - 3 weeks later. And now, 3 more weeks have passed since I could jot down my adventures and I am just now feeling inspired to write. So much has happened since then, and I cannot even fathom trying to write it all down.
I shall resort to my favorite form of reporting on an event that I deem memorable, and create a list of favorites.

~My grandparents house. It was built in the 1800s and is still as beautiful as ever. I cleaned for about three days after arriving - much to their amazement. I never knew cobwebs could be so prolific.

~Lydia, Jeremy, Grace, and Jacob. My sister's family is a riot. Loud, hilarious, loquacious, loving, and a little crazy they filled the house with their 2 and 4 year old enthusiasm for life. My niece is about the most adorable little girl imaginable and her little brother is all smiles all the time. I rarely get to see them, so it was a treat. check out how grandma is teaching Grace how to hang laundry. Yes, they have a clothes dryer. No, they don't use it.

~Megan came up for the visit. I kinda felt bad for her, but she jumped into the fray and tolerated our insanity of perfection and German frugality. It was nice to have another energy around for company and change of pace.

~David and Konnie's wedding reception party was off the chain. Held in their back yard there was a live band, drinks, fresh grilled food, horseshoes and the pool. It was the first time the entire Mechlin family has been together in years - so we took the traditional girls only and then guys only photos.

~I had a great time hanging out with my friend Byler. He was house sitting this enormous house that was home to at least 40 pets. No joke. A dog, 6 birds, countless gerbils (it looked like a pet store in that room, I am guessing about 20) 3 bearded dragons, a chinchilla, at least 8 guinea pigs, three snakes, two turtles, three ferrets (which are awesome to play with) and three cats. Apparently they had two other dogs that were being taken care of elsewhere. Sweet jesus it was crazy. But, we had a fun time going to the Horseshoe pub, drinking exotic beers, chilling in the pool, and watching True Bood til the sun came up. Literally. He is a friend that dates back about ten years...and the only other person I know in the area that is my age and isn't related to me.

~I spent a lot of time reading and talking to my Grandparents. They do the crossword every night, so I sit on the couch with my book and pretend to actually help. I am not a words/literature person at all - doubled with the fact I am not an auditory learner. It is a rough experience but I enjoy the 'family time'. Just don't get me to play UpWords. Dear god I hate that game.

That about sums up the list of fun times in Bolton. It was just really nice to spend time with my family. I got a lot of rest, did a lot of busy work for my grandparents, read three books, and discovered the joy of Cherry Chocolate Trader Joe's Soy Ice Cream. I didn't think life could taste that good.

Carl was dropped off on Sunday night by his parents (who were nice to meet, as brief as it was) and then we took off on Monday morning for Denver and the open road.

Epic Road Trip 2K9: New York - Bronxville and NYC

2009-06-28T18:40:00.000-07:00

Current Headphone Fillers: Sigur Ros,The Roots, Dustin O'Halloran, Ben Lee

Let's just start this post with a warning: I might ramble. A lot can happen in one week in NY.

To start off I am going to give a short account of my adventures on the way to Bronxville from Penna. Now, I am excellent with directions and maps. Growing up in a car, bored out of my mind taught me to read a lot of signs and amuse myself with the good old Rand McNally. (yes, i totally use X,Y grid to find towns) And my very dear T lent me two of his - and they have been put to more use than anticipated. So, when I got the helpful hint from a friend with an iDouche that there was a Shell gas station with diesel (LoLa's fuel of choice) on Route 1 in Easton NJ I got off of the current toll road and paid $5. (Again, blow me, toll roads) I pulled over and checked out the map. Turns out this little town is a good 20 miles or so up the road. Needless to say it was the 'long, long way' to get to NY. Either way, it was nice to get off the big highways and go through lots of small towns and needless traffic lights. Note: Civil engineers don't believe in left hand turns in Jersey. You have to 'exit' to the right and loop around to go straight through the traffic light. Good thing I noted this, because my Shell station finally appeared on the horizon with something akin to a halo around it - on the left side of the northbound highway. Sigh. This New England newbie traveller did not know that all Jersey gas stations have an attendent by law, so I hop out of the car to fuel up. Long story short, I am the only person out of their car at the station. After topping her off I head to the restroom...and while this will not get anymore personal than that I would like to note that while Jersey might have excellent service at the pumps they do not believe in latches, locks, or disenfectant in regards to their bathrooms. I got very creative.

The remainder of my journey to Bronxville was quite uneventful. I figured that whatever I saved in tolls by driving on Route 1 was made up by the $8 it cost to cross the George Washington Bridge. Go figure.

I haven't seen another Georgia plate in hours. Florida, yes, but they don't count. They are like cockroaches. All over the place and impossible to get rid of.

Bronxville is full of family. Wine. Superb food. Loud voices. I spend two days there and then Wednesday I head to the city to visit with Elena and possibly catch up with other peoples. The train ride finds me lacking nothing but my cell phone, which was left on the bed in my rush out the door. Last minute craziness is routine in that family. Despite my lack of mobile communication I make it to 1745 Broadway just fine and then head out for the long walk to the MET after dropping off my suitcase. Central Park is quite a sight to see with all the tourists, locals, and winding paths. I decided to be brave and cut through...sort of. Map in hand and a general idea of my bearings I set out. A good 30 blocks later I made it! I paid for my cute little button, and headed for the cafeteria. After eating an overpriced, but delicious sammich I selected Sigur Ros as a soundtrack, and made my way to the modern galleries. Although I possess a mild appreciation for classical art, I have more interest in sculpture, modern, conceptual, abstract, and industrial design. Favorites were the greek sculpture hall, the rooftop sculpture garden, the lower floor of modern, the special exhibit: Model as Muse, and sitting on the front steps afterwards. Plethora of pictures are on facebook.

Three hours later I headed back to Randomhouse Publishing to pick up my cousin and suitcase. We headed out for her birthday/last day of work celebration. Good times and great beers. Topher ended up being able to meet me there...so around 7 I got catch up with one of my longtime friends. We met before I went to college; we were kindred spirits right away. I haven't seen him in about 5 years - but it was just like before, comfortable. He is living in Brooklyn (which I am mildly jealous of) and doing what he loves - music and design. It is nice to reconnect with people who are happy in life. Adventurous. Seeking and not being afraid of new places and things.

That night I once again found a new place to rest my head. A tiny little loft bed in the basement spare room of Elena's new apt. It was cozy to say the least. But hey, it had a reading light!!!!

Thursday: Despite the excessive amount of rain we headed out early to pick up my cell phone from my very gracious uncle at Grand Central Station. Afterwards we found a nice hot breakfast, some coffee/tea and then walked to the Museum of Modern Art. Sigh...it was like heaven. I have never been to the MoMa and it was pretty freaking awesome. While my company did not seem to connect with the sketching and conceptual art we were able to meander a bit more slowly through the photography, design, architecture, and printing/paper galleries. Some of the pieces were very moving, and I think I might have spent more time absorbing the art had I been flying solo. However, it was still a great experience and I feel subsequently more educated on certain concepts that I have seen evident in a friend's work. In fact, I was reminded of his on more than one occasion. It made me pause. And reflect. And remember.

The remaining tour of the city included a quick stop at the Palace Hotel where Gossip Girl is filmed, a cute little cupcake shop for some birthday dessert, and Rockafeller Center. Dinner that night was courtesty of takeout mexican food from around the corner. Deliciousness. I headed down to Frim Fram around 9. Even though most of my family is appalled that I would be riding the subway after dark, I was far from hesitant about another adventure. Public transportation is still 'fun' for me. I had some good dances, and some not-so-experienced dances. The DJ'ing was good when it was the local DJ. I wasn't a fan of the guest. I met some Philly kids and even saw some southern faces (Christine!) Overall I felt my $8 was worth it, and left exceedingly sweaty and tired at 1am.

I headed back to Bronxville on Friday morning to grab a change of clothes, dinner, and the 7:22pm train back to the city with my cousin Coale. We met up with three of his college buddies and wandered down 8th to figure out how to get tipsy before heading to a party. We found a cheap sushi place that didn't card and drank terrible cold saki. Gross. The food was good, surprisingly, and they filled up on beer. Afterwards I introduced them to the genius of 20oz cokes and rum mix. It did the charm, and the boys were feeling good by the time we got to the Columbia frat house party. Ok, so I went to hang out with the boys because my Aunt was freaked out about 'going into the city at night', but here I am at midnight, with a bunch of 19-year-old boys at a freaking FRAT party in NYC. Yeah...it was surreal. Complete with the skanky sorority girls, two kegs, two beer pong tables, loud pop music, and popped collars (don't forget matching old man loafers) the party was a hit with my company. We stayed until 1:30 and then headed back to GCS to catch the 1:53am train home. 'Cause shit, we were not waiting until the 5:30.

The train ride home was epic. We finally found three seats together (Dan was staying the night with us) and got ready to chill for the next 40 minutes. A girl walks onto the train with her friends...I didn't really notice her until Coale said nonchalantly "Nice tan lines". Yeah, like you can say that to an overgroomed suburbanite girl from NY and not get a response. A verbal battle ensues between them. She sits down. 10 minutes later her beefy (but short) male friends join her and she apparently tells them about how mean Coale was to her. They start yelling at Coale, he yells back, and even though my cousin is 19 he is 6'1" and built like a football player - because he is one. They don't back down though due to their numbers...or maybe drunken stupidity. Now, I am in no way going to get into a brawl on the 2am train to Bronxville. So, I try to calm Coale down; meanwhile Dan is next to me saying "Man, I would have your back but I am too drunk". Everyone on the train is either laughing nervously or annoyed as piss. Eventually they calm down. Some guy tries to speak Zen wisdom to my cousin, and I start talking about wanting a chicken biscuit in the best southern accent I can muster. It draws laugher and after the offending party sits down we settle in for the rest of the train ride. When we get off at B-ville we get a few more offensive remarks thrown in our direction, but luckily no fists or other objects. Good job Coale.

The rest of my visit was not worth spending your time reading. I ate more fabulous meals courtesy of my uncle, visited Whole Foods in White Plains, bought another pair of jeans (because I underpacked for the cold northeast) and watched some mindless tv. I had no idea that New York had to go to work, or that there was a reality show for the annoying guys that sell you OxiClean. The more tv I watch the less I regret my choice to remove it from my life =)

...and that was NY in the most condensed version I could muster. My highlights were: the museums, Frim Fram, navigating the subways by myself, seeing Topher, my cousins, and lots of walking.

Epic Road Trip 2K9: Penna

2009-06-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

There is something reassuring about going home. The place where you came from. Your first mailing address. Your first friends across the street. Not that I have called Penna home in twenty odd years...but it still feels vaguely familiar every time I encounter the rolling farmland. See the weatherbeaten hex signs, drive down the tiny main streets, and hear 'ya ya'. These days I seem to be claiming the south as home...but for a nomadic creature such as myself, any roots are reassuring.

Spring Grove, a tiny Papermill town was my home, but I stayed with my childhood friend, Ben, in York. Friday night was very chill with us staying in and watching Kung Fu Panda - with which I was pleasently surprised. I actually laughed out loud. SKADoooSH! Saturday we got up early and headed to Sunnewald, an organic hippie health food store owned by one of my Mom's good friends. We actually lived there for a couple years before we made our final exodus from the state. It used to be a tiny little store with few gardens that my family lived at and worked on. Now, it is a thriving business with herbal walkabouts, a radio show, and even more acres of organic goodness. I picked up a few Kombuchas, some original trail/energy mix (it used to be named after my sister, Lydia), along with chips, salsa, and a present for my mother.

By the time Ben and I made it back to York, it was time to pack up and head for DC and my first MLS game. We of course, are rooting for DC United. Now, I am not a sports person by nature, but as I have collected friends I have formed some weak ties to certain teams. Carolina has my heart in college basketball, Red Sox for MLB, Caps in hockey, Appalachian State in college football, or Tennessee for better college football, and now I am all about some DC United soccer. After all, their main sponsor is VW, and I cannot think of a better reason to root for them. Oh yeah…and number 4…sigh…dreamy left D wearing my lucky number. Anyway, back on track. The four of us tailgated in a nearly desolate parking lot for about 3 hours before hitting the gift shop and purchasing all new gear. Go VW!! Ahhhh…I will never forget the blackened hot dog rejected by even the staunchest of DC crows. The game commenced and we had some fairly good seats – and by good I mean there were no giant heads blocking much of the field, and we were close enough to the fan clubs to feel the stadium shake when they started jumping. So yeah, it was a soccer game. The teams ran back and forth a lot, making me feel entirely un-athletic, while thousands of people screamed their heads off and flung beer (and streamers). Halftime was a different story as the fan clubs and a few hundred people entered the mezzanine area and commenced drumming, chanting, and creating a circle where they ‘worshiped’ a jersey. It was very tribal, earthy, and mosh-like. Heather and I decided to preserve our personal belongings and retreated to a higher level to observe the masses. Ben and Josh jumped into the fray, being the boys that they are. It was a sight to see. The game ended with a victory, 2-1. Woot!!! I must be good luck. As we were leaving the drummers came up to the mezzanine again and I begged Heather to let me watch. There were about 6 different drummers, plus a cowbell, tambourine, and bagpipes. I was really digging the beats and finally started to join in the chants with more gusto than when I was watching the game. The head of the fan club kinda knew Josh, and saw that I was ‘with’ him and his friends. He motioned me over and Josh was like “He wants to dance with you.” I was like “No way!!” but he grabbed my hand anyway and drew me into the circle of drumming and dancing. I had zero clue what to do in such a situation…so I began to samba like I was taught in Brazil. It seemed to do the trick because everyone started cheering. It is all a blur now, but basically I was dragged into the dance circle twice to celebrate the win. It was a loud and demanding rhythm; it took me back to dancing on dirt, the only white female on an island with no cars, surrounded by drums and smiling faces. I was in heaven.

New experience number 1 – Major League Soccer Game.

Sunday brought the Brown family together to celebrate the birthday of Jeff. A bluegrass band at an outdoor biker bar in Spring Grove rounded out my diverse weekend in Penn. It was really good to see all the boys again. We lived across the street from them. Adam and Ben are like my brothers and Jeff a dad/uncle figure. Dinner was good, the band was phenomenal and the jokes flew freely. The boys played some horseshoes (I threw a couple as well) and during the last set Jeff’s brother-in-law demanded a dance for a ridiculously fast song. Everyone turned my direction so I said, hey, whatever…and got up to dance some solo jazz in flip flops while my ‘partner’ threw down some admirable flat foot. A memorable experience with not so memorable pictures - they were deleted asap.

In reflection York was a much needed stop. A place to really solidify some of my hazy childhood memories, catch up with old friends, and get out of my usual rut of companions. I hope my next visit is sooner than in ten years.

Current Tunes: Ben Lee and Redheaded Blonde

In parenthesis

2009-06-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

New Foods that I have eaten thus far:

~Falafel in DC - incredibly tasty. I will have to find where they sell such wonderfulness outside of our capitol.

~Empanada in DC - another smash hit. Pulled chicken, green olives, and potato. Oh yeah...and an egg.

~Fried Green Beans in York - interesting idea. Not bad at all.

~Crab Fries in Spring Grove - fries smothered in crab meat and mozzarella cheese. omg amazing.

Side Story that is not important at all but a fun memory.
"Do you own anything that is not lime green?"
Now, I had not noticed this phenomenon but apparently I tend to gravitate to owning green accessories. The list you ask?
Bath Towel
Facial Toner bottle
Facial Moisturizer bottle
Toothpaste Travel thingy
Shower Loofa
Bag to carry all bathroom shtuff
Cosmetic bag

This list was apparently long enough for my host in DC to make a comment.

Epic Road Trip 2K9: DC and it's Various Adventures

2009-06-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

DC proved to be nearly as adventurous as I anticipated. Actually, I have decided to not anticipate much of anything this trip besides couch surfing and low budget food. It has made it much more enjoyable =)

So, to continue with where I left off...

The Whole Foods that takes up nearly a city block (conveniently located about four blocks from Andy's) had the coolest thing I have every seen - Happy Hour from 5-7 Mon thru Fri. Now, for those of you who are soooo special and live in big cities, this might not be that amazing - but it was worthy of a note and picture for those of us in the unhealthy south with our measly little stores.

James stopped by on Wednesday around 4 and we headed downtown to see Artomatic, a month long exhibit held in different locations each year. Basically if you have a few bucks and some art you can put it up in this 9 story building. Visual, drama, music, sculpture. You name the medium, it was probably there. We explored about 4 stories of the exhibit, laughing histarically, running away as fast as we could, offering non-artist critique, and generally enjoying the art bends that it offered. My favorites? The Peeps (complete with Dexter peep), visual music, and the super hott mannequin. The ciomplete photo gallery is conveniently located on my fb account. After spending a good three hours and then navigating the Metro back to the hizzie on R st, James departed and I was left to my own devices for the rest of the evening. A jam was going on when I got home, so I ended up diving into my book (thanks Jo!) for the next couple hours while some great music was being made in the living room. Good times. The evening wrapped up with another trip to the Falafl hut.

Thursday involved a trip out to visit Megan on the Tree and Leaf Farm in Nowheresville VA. Not really, but it was a nice hour drive out into the rolling fields of Virginia farms. Note: toll roads kinda suck. I spent 10 bucks driving on about a 20 miles stretch. Boo. Anyway...it was great to get out of the city and knock a couple things off of her Christmas in July list. (I stopped by Whole Foods on the way out) I showed up during lunch and was served a huge salad and generous egg concotion that is only possible by Miss Adair herself. After being fed and cleaning up, we took a quick tour of the 8 acres. Lola has never off-roaded before, but after driving through mud and fields won't stop bragging. Megan rattled off so many veggie names I can't even begin to remember them all (plus I was busy missing the 2 foot deep potholes) but I appreciated the scale of organic food that was happily growing in the fields. Since the farm girl had to get back to work at 2pm, I took off for the city, spending more money on the toll road and reveling in the fact I once again avoided rush hour.

Side Adventure Story:
Andy is making his own Kombucha and we needed a giant glass jar. So we walked a lot on our epic search. I tried to not look completely lost as we crossed streets and he rapidly changed directions. Still not used to city foot travel. Anyway, we ended up buying a giant jar of pickles. I mean rediculously large jar of pickles. Bulk pickle jar. Giant freaking enormous jar that held a great deal of pickles. I think you get the point. After filling three containers, eating three pickles apiece, a thorough scrubbing and a run through the dishwasher, we were good to go. Mission accomplished =)

For dinner I experienced another new food - Empanadas. Filled with pulled chicken, green olives, and potatoes it was a hit. Sticking with tradition we hit 80s night down in Adams Morgan, meeting up with James, Lily, Tanya and a couple other peoples. The bar was pretty dead, but we got some drinks and found a comfy couch to enjoy until our posse showed up. Once a couple drinks were down, and the dance floor started getting more feet on it I joined in the fun and danced all kind of rediculousness with glow sticks and strobe lights. The adventure didn't end until Andy and I finally got home around 3:30am after walking Beth home, riding the elevator to every floor, sucking helium out of massive balloons, reading the book of Zen thought, and discussing very deep things that I have zero recollection of. Tequila Sunrise is a new favorite.

Friday greeted us too early at 9am thanks to Andy's alarm that said he had to work regardless of the previous evenings fun. We walked down to Whole Foods for the magic of Kombucha to help get the weird not-hangover gone. I hit the hot bar for breakfast. Again.
I got on the road at about noon, giving a good bye hug, refusing another pickle, and waving to the new giant creepy Kombucha brew, and headed to York, Pa for my next stop.

DC? Check.

Epic Road Trip 2K9: Should have been 7 hours

2009-06-10T09:46:00.000-07:00

My visit to Boone was complete with a visit to the Tech Dept, the gym at the Y and one more evening of hilarious dynamic duo action at Michelle's. Trai and Jacob stopped over and we fired up the grill for some surf and turf dinner. The night ended with the boys gigging for frogs at about midnight. They didn't catch any.

I departed Boone around 11am, armed with a Green Machine, Trilogy Kombucha, bananas, pro-biotics, and a bottle of water. Fritz posed for a few pics as we headed down the mountain, and I waved goodbye to the high country one more time.

Virginia is a beautiful but cruel state. I took my ring off at the welcome center rest stop and forgot to put it back on after washing my hands...went back and it was gone for good. Sigh...so I was super bummed about that and lost about an hr of my trip. But, life goes on and so does my trip. I just imagine that it is off on its own grand adventure now =)

I drove through some spectacular thunderstorms. The clouds were literally scattered with discernable edges to the patches of rain. Driving in and out of them was slightly surreal as I would look left and see sunlight, blue sky and puffy clouds and then in front of me would be a dark grey body of wet. Simply beautiful.

DC appeared on my horizon around 7:10 and I promptly learned that google map driving directions blow goats. Using my brain, one phone call to Andy, and a handy-dandy Rand McNally map (thanks T!!) I oriented myself and worked my way through traffic as a true southern (but irriated) driver and arrived at my host's apt around 7:30. Booya.

Jam Cellar was just a short walk away and I took off with my new shoes, water bottle, and iPod after a shower and quick snack. I thought I was so clever and hip walking down the sidewalk, but in all truth I forgot a spare shirt - that fact only discovered later as I was covered in sweat wishing I was more socially acceptable with a clean tee. Overall it was a fun night. The music was good - nice tempo variety - and I met a few leads that matched my style. I still feel as though my pulsing is out of touch with the northern scene - but whatever - I had a blast. Oh yeah...the wine, courtesy of my host, helped a lot =)

Since Andy had forgotten to eat dinner, he reminded the world of his hunger pangs about every 30 seconds during the dance. So, after everything was cleaned up we headed down to Adams Morgan to get some fallofl. He nearly fell on the floor when I told him I had never had one and really didn't know what they were. But, he has never had or heard of a hushpuppy - so we are even. Oh my goodness. It was delicious.

A long walk got us home, and we promptly crashed after drinking an ungodly amount of water.

Epic Road Trip 2K9: Boone

2009-06-06T13:45:00.000-07:00

I have said it before and I will say it again. There are few places in my life that feel so much like home as Boone. My desire to stay is not quite as strong as before, but there is something incredibly comforting about the mountains views, friendly sidewalks, and familiar faces.

I moved my few possesions with the gracious help of Joanna, Terrace, Nick and Alan and then hit the road at about 4p.m. Traffic was surprisingly light for a Friday evening. In true camel fashion I only stopped once on the 5hr drive, and rolled into town at about 8:45. While I won't go into all the details here are some of the highlights of my first days on the road. After all, lists are my favorite!!

~Driving up the mountain, looking over, and watching the sun set on top of the clouds is a humbling experience. The blue misty hills were quietly waiting for the spectacular display of pinks and orange to settle into a night lit only by a full moon and a few billion stars. No city lights up here.

~The Nth gallery had a fantastic show - Unportraits by an artist that I am unfamiliar with and therefore unable to recall the name of. However, all his works were no bigger than 4 x 6 inches and were unportraits of people. There was a quote beside each one giving the piece a title and frame of reference. A refreshing blend of visual and verbal art. However, the clientel was unfamiliar so we didn't stick around for long.

~Portofinos proved to be dependable in the 'running into almost everyone you know in town' and 'excellent beer for cheap' departments. The pool room was crowded, the band was mediocre, but the company was excellent. We closed it down at 2am before hitting Cookout and crashing at Michelle's.

~So I was sitting on a stool, enjoying my beer, feeling good, cracking up with some buddies from the tech dept and some random guy just starts talking to me. Asking me who I was here with. No one of coure was my reply. These are just some of my good friends and we are just hanging out. The conversation got pretty convoluted from there, but basically he tried to verbally mow me down. Comments/Questions like: "So, you didn't finish school?" "Well, my sister has been through what you have and she makes 65K a year" "It sounds like you need to just challenge yourself more, and work harder to get what you want" "I think you have a self esteem problem" "Oh, I am not hitting on you, because you would know if I were" spewed out of his mouth during the conversation. Now, sassy is one word that has been used to describe my temperment. I have worked very, very hard at being socially appropriate with my retorts and reactions to people who piss me off - or rub me the wrong way - but after a few beers, and the fact I was on vacation and having a damn good time with my friends, considerably shortened my fuse. I tried to have a decent conversation, and then when he just kept getting spiteful I just let it all out. You know, the stuff that you say in your head, (or what a badass chick in tight black spandex says in an action movie). Our back and forth went on for a few minutes and then I was finally like "You know what? How about this. I am having a great vacation and enjoying spending time with some good people. If you don't have anything else to say to me that isn't nice I am going to say goodbye and ignore you" It worked. He shook my hand told me his name and walked off.
I saw him leaving the bar later after briefly talking to two other girls. He was wearing an oversized black leather jacket and left alone. Probably the most bizarre interaction I have ever had. I think he either gets off on trying to cut girls down, or is overly religious and trying to "reach the misguided". Hopefully I won't run into him again. It might get messy.

~350 miles and only half a tank of gas. Lola is a champ.

I slept in until noon today. Chillin' downtown at Espresso News with a good book and my laptop. Michelle is going to meet up with me and we are going to hang out. No idea what is going to go down tonight but some people are supposed to call me and we will hit a bar or two I am sure.

Let's just say vacation is a nice feeling...

Day 10: Zen

2009-04-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

I rarely...like once a month...might check my horoscope. I kid you not, this is what it said today:

Today people will look at you with amazement, and then give you a round of applause.

No kidding, right? Day 10 was harder than I thought it would be. I was supposed to be adjusted to this diet of lemonade and tea, and not really be very hungry or tired. But, I found that instead I was just 'used' to it, but not really very satisfied. All I could think about was a chicken biscuit. I was however, full most of the day, and was able to maintain my energy at a functioning level. Which is not as good as day 4 or 5, but is still commendable for someone who hasn't eaten a meal in 10 days.

I had to work late, 8:30, which meant I was at work for 12 hrs straight. Good times. I rushed home in the brilliant lightshow of three thunderstorms and set to work in the kitchen, chopping and dicing for my soup. It created some of the best smells I have ever encountered in my concious life. T helped me out by offering moral support and stirring. He even bought me a gift card to Whole Foods for my first meal on Sunday. We are going to hit the salad bar =)

Overall, I feel better from the cleanse. I have a renewed perspective on food, nutrition, energy, and my body. I am ready to appreciate the calories I intake, and would like to be more balanced about my choices. I am going to try to not go long time periods without eating - followed by a large meal that was not even prepared or thought out. While I am still doubtful about the benefits of consuming so few calories per day...it has panned out well in the end. I am taking some serious pro-biotics to replenish my digestive system with the little bugs that it needs.
I won't be blogging so 'religiously' when this is all over, but I will be posting a few updates as I move back to solid food.

Yes, I have reached Zen.
Ten days of learning how to love my body and food.
Looking at now and then.
It feels good.

Day 9: Heaven

2009-04-23T07:43:00.000-07:00

Well...not quite. Today was rougher than I anticipated. I think I need to consume more calories before 6th grade walks in the door. I nearly passed out and was feeling very woozy. But, I chugged a couple more and made it through the rest of my day feeling not even close to 100 percent. Oh well...I figure that it is getting down to the nitty gritty with my body and reserves. I need to be more realistic about what I can and cannot do with such a low calorie diet.

I stopped by the farmers market to pick up my veggies for the soup. It was fun to browse around all the fresh produce and pick out exactly what I wanted. I have never been so excited about cooking in my entire life. Literally. Red potatoes, green beans, yellow squash, broccoli, peas, carrots, and lemons accompanied me out the door.

Since starting this I have fluctuated through a variety of emotions about food. On one hand it has been really nice to not cook or buy food. While I still have my nightly ritual of juicing, I don't spend any time on meals. Being the non-foodie that I am it is rather refreshing. However, I think that through this I will gain a new appreciation for what I do need to put into my body. I am going to start cooking and spending a bit more time taking care of myself. I just don't have an emotional attachment to food at all. I eat because I get hungry or I need energy. But, I think that this endeavor is a little bit of a lesson to me about taking care of myself, and learning how to truely appreciate the experience of a meal. My first adventure will be to bake my own biscuits. Oh yeah...and grill some serious chicken. mmmmmm.....

Happy Earth Day

2009-04-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

Although I don't think I did a very good job of celebrating earth day today I still kept the spirit alive with a few things...

-printed progress reports on half sheets
-wore my organic, bamboo fiber, hippie tee shirt
-gave a quiz on an overhead instead of copied paper
-used my reuseable water bottle all day
-drank my delightful, tasty, lemonade out of reused glass bottles (kombucha rules)
-didn't throw away any trash due to the fact I am not actually eating
-recycled all paper (per usual)

It also made me stop and reflect on what I was doing on this day last year...and if I have ever really given it much thought. Then I remembered. I picked up cigarette butts around the outside of the tech building for about 2 hours. It was highly rewarding. I grabbed some rubber gloves and ended up filling up half of a paper grocery bag with all the butts/trash that I found. The best part was that JoeSmith helped me out when he saw me toiling in the sun.

Anyway...just some random thoughts. Happy Earth Day. See what you can do to reduce how much useless crap is consumed in your daily life =)

Day 8: Willpower

2009-04-21T16:59:00.001-07:00

I think that some of my friends might not believe that I have actually stuck to my cleanse. Well, I have. I have honestly not ingested ANYTHING besides what I am supposed to. The temptation is there for sure. Just one bite. Just a piece. Just a section. Just a tiny bit. But, no. I have not. I promise. And that is one aspect of this entire undertaking - for me at least. To be able to keep my word in all the secret and alone places. To be able to look back and know without a doubt that I kept my promise with no slip-ups to cloud my memory. It is a good feeling =)

While it felt great to dance at HotJam, and I wasn't hungry when I got home, I felt like crap this morning because I spent more calories than I took in last night. So, the lack of sleep and exercise caught up with me big time. My tea barely filled me up and I downed two lemonades before 10. eep...shoulda packed more.

The deep seated willpower that I know I possess had to kick in big time today. I am just not going to give up. I have made it this far. It has been since last Monday that I have eaten a meal. So yeah...take that, cleanse. Take that, body. Take that, all you crap and toxins in my body. Honestly, when I am not feeling hunger pains I feel amazing. Very clear and light. Calm and peaceful. I never crash or feel sluggish unless I have neglected to drink. So yeah..I can maintain my energy much better than before. It is the opposite of eating - I used to look forward to pain and sleepiness after a meal - now I look forward to being more alert and energetic. What a concept.

I have a meeting tonight at 9 and then it is bedtime. Yay. I have to work late tomorrow and then thursday so we will see how that goes. I need to get more juice bottles...and a bigger hippie bag to carry them all =)

Tomorrow is Earth Day. Make sure you celebrate in some outlandish and attention-grabbing fashion please. I will be wearing my recycled bamboo shirt and patagonia pants. Boone is about to hit Snellville.

Day 7: Determined

2009-04-21T16:47:00.000-07:00

The desire to bite into a big fat cheeseburger is getting stronger as the week goes on...

Nothing extraordinary to talk about for day 7. My energy level was mediocre - I should have packed more lemonades for work. I couldn't leave fast enough to get home and get more nutrition. I had some ups and downs...but overall I can judge how much I will need to drink in a certain amount of time in order to stay human. I have noticed the biggest change is my ditziness...I just can't keep a straight thought to come out of my mouth - or do much of anything in the right order. I will think that I need to turn off the projector and then go turn on the light. Gah...I am sure the kids notice that I am not on top of my game. That in itself is frustrating. I am just praying that I don't pass out anywhere.

As long as I keep myself fueled I really don't have hunger pangs anymore. Sosh cooks a hell of a meal nearly every night, and the house is filled with some seriously tastey smells, but I am almost completely fine. The only thing I miss is chewing. That, and the whole amino acids thing. yeah...eating something with protein and some serious aminos is going to be like heaven. Can't wait to make the soup =)

I tested my physical endurance once more by teaching a lesson with Sosh and then hitting the HotJam dance. It was kinda weird at first...but then I got enough juice in me and was good to go. Kinda like when I was on the treadmill I felt like I could dance forever. T and I kicked it up a notch to a fast song and it was almost effortless. My swivels were right there over and over....and I never lost steam. What an incredible feeling.

My night ended with the usual cup of tea and Yogi wisdom. They always make me smile because sometimes they are so damn cheerful and peaceful when all I want to do is...not drink the tea. Oh the irony...

Day 6: Recommittment

2009-04-20T06:35:00.000-07:00

Wow. That is all I can really say about yesterday…
Regardless of the 4am bedtime, I woke up at 9 raring to go. I forced myself to go back to sleep and managed to get another two hours before I said hello to Saturday. The day began with a cup of tea, as usual, and another visit to the gym. My legs are killing me, but all I can think about is stretching and walking it out. So, I walked for 30 minutes and then ran about half a mile. Lifting felt great, and so did the extensive stretching. I think I can almost see a little four-pack forming. Oh yeah…and they have a scale at the gym. I am down to 124. eeeep.

After the gym D, Nick, and I headed down to Piedmont Park for some Frisbee fun. While I am not an avid Frisbee player, and really didn’t feel like torturing my legs anymore, I went with them to keep my mind off of the million other things that have been plaguing my thoughts. We walked around for a good hour, checking out the Dogwoods Arts Festival booths and music. While I didn’t bring enough to drink, it was a much needed outing and it felt really good to be outside.

The rest of my evening was very chill. I read in the hammock, made some more lemonade, took a short nap, and thought about life in general. My energy level has maintained itself as long as I never allow myself to get hungry. I feel soooo much better with a couple extra glasses of H2O each day. It is almost filling. The tea though, has become almost..."meh".

Relationships are not easy. It has been a long time since I have been willing to allow a relationship get to the point of ‘not easy’. I have a pattern of simply walking away when the going gets tough. I don’t feel fulfilled, I am scared, and simply put, and the guy has never really put up a fight. It has been tough these past few weeks – months – because I have gotten to the rough spots with him. I have met those walls, and gotten to know all the parts of our relationship that really tick me off. And so I ran - just like I have every other time. But he hasn’t. Not for over a year. And that means a whole hell of a lot. So yeah, I am willing to work at it. I am willing to communicate. I am willing to lay it down and invest the necessary time and energy into ‘us’. Sure it is scary. Yes, I still doubt myself more than ever. But, he said that I am worth it. And believe me, he is more than worth it.

Day 5: Feelin' Good

2009-04-18T18:33:00.000-07:00

I think that yesterday was my hump day...because today I feel simply amazing. I woke up at 8 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I was mildly productive around the house doing important tasks such as painting my toenails and processing laundry. I rounded out my morning with fresh drinks and about and hr or so of reading on the front porch.
Around noon Sosh, Lisa, Nick, and I headed to stone mountain to enjoy the sunshine and use Lisa's free parking pass. We all made it to the top with little difficulty, Nick skipping ahead like a mountain goat. Basking in the sun like lizards on the north side, we worked on our spring tans until the wind blew cold and Lisa got "people bumps".
The way down was fairly easy except for the whole part where my thighs were screaming at me because they were subjected to leg presses the night before and were certain that my use of them now was completely uncalled for.

We hit the DeKalb farmers market on the way home, stocking up on organic goodies for the week. It was totally slammed. I bought a giant bag of fresh lemons and was carrying it around - and got quite the looks. One lady even commented after she passed me "my, that is a big bag of lemons". I reveled in my own amusement.

I admit that I crashed when I got home, resting with a book and then finally dozing off for about an hr. When I woke up I felt terrible, I was incredibly weak and starving. So, I promply made and drank two very fresh drinks. Boo ya. Back to 100 percent.

I hopped up out that bed, turned my swagg on...took a look in the mirror, said "what's up?"

Out for the night to Tongue and Groove for some serious dance time. I am wide awake, full of energy, and ready to stay up all night. Bring it...Day 5 is mine!

Day 4: Energetic

2009-04-18T12:50:00.000-07:00

I know I am writing this a day late...but I thought I would provide a quick summary of day four.
It was the first day of the cleanse that I have not felt overly hungry and have noticed an increase in energy level. It was really easy to wake up, get moving, and out the door. I felt almost like I had drank a cup of coffee on the way to work - without the jitters.
Side note: I think I need to use less cayenne pepper.
I am still crabby by the end of the day because I am just not ingesting enough calories (I think), but when I got home and made myself a fresh one my attitude turned itself around.
Another side note: My short temper is back.
Achievement of the day? I went to the gym with 'the boys'. I ran a full mile - something I have never accomplished in my life. Then, I lifted until the guys wanted to call it a night. So you tell me this? How have I not eaten for 4 days, and can still go to the gym and feel even more incredible when I leave?

I was just thinking...

2009-04-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

This is an article recently posted in the New York Times. I found it to be some good reading, and finally a medical voice for all of us hippies who are not so keen on the use of antibiotics.

Stomach Bug Crystallizes an Antibiotic Threat
By TARA PARKER-POPE
Published: April 13, 2009

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/14/health/14well.html?em

Day 3: Lighter

2009-04-16T18:38:00.000-07:00

"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections"

I am not particularly inspired to begin writing, but I have decided to keep this blog for the ten days...so I shall ramble for a bit.

That whole determination thing, yeah...I had a friend tell me on the phone today that I was the most determined person that she knew and that I would have no problems with a measly little ten days. That helped a lot because I came really close to caving today - but I keep tricking myself into "just get through today" and then within a few minutes or an hr my body had readjusted to whatever it is doing, and I feltl even better.
It amazes me how I don't feel strongly about any decision I make anymore. It is as though I just float along with what life brings instead of taking a stand for what I really want or need. This is definitely a test of my personal strength more than just physical. When you look back and truly despise certain parts of your life it makes each new decision that much more important.
I honestly have no idea what to expect from each day. It is a incredible sensation to be so in tune to what my body is doing and saying. It is almost like I am walking around looking out of myself as you would, say, a car. As an obsessively observant person it has heightened my sense of the world even more. Again, totally weird.

I shall spare you the details, but I will say that overall I feel...lighter. There is less of me to move around, and my body is finally assimilating nutrients and calories to a greater extent. Honestly, it is the first time in months that I have not been in intense pain every single night. And even now I am not actually hungry.

My phone-a-friend calls have been all the more helpful. Moogy and Shims have been incredibly supportive of my new found freedom; offering advice and positive words. So yeah, it feels like a moment to moment rollercoaster of emotions about my body, mind, and heart right now - but I am really glad that I am going through this right now. Change go'ne come...

Time to snuggle up with a nice cup of mediocre tasting tea and an over-hyped novel.

Day 2: Maintaining

2009-04-15T16:32:00.000-07:00

Ben Harper says it so well....

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.
With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

There are stages to it. First is total numbness, like I cannot even feel any emotion attached to the situation. I really just don't care. Next comes the flip flopping. I am either happy or incredibly depressed to the point of tears. I am in the second stage right now.
I look back and examine my actions and emotions that led up to Monday night. I was really happy, right? I enjoyed his company, his presence, his laughter, his friendship, his caring...but somewhere deep down I wasn't fulfilled...I think? It is all a muddle now. I can clearly recall how much joy I felt just sharing my life with another person, how I loved just knowing he was there on the other end...and just as clearly I remember how frustrated I would get at the thought and experience of 'us'. I have a deep-seated feeling that somehow I have walked away from the best person that has ever happened to me. Time will tell.

So many times in my life I have doubted myself, wondered, have I done the right thing? Is this the right choice? In the past I wouldn't allow myself to actually choose, instead living in the gray limbo of 'both'. I am desperately trying to stop that by being painfully honest. By making an absolute choice. By not going back on my decisions. By forging ahead and taking what comes. By ceasing to be intolerably impatient.

Day two has consisted of maintaining "un-hungriness". While I am not a foodie by any means, it is still weird to not bite into a sandwich. I am fan of the PB&J around twelve thirty. Anyway...enough about food. I am feeling surprisingly good. I have taken my mother's wise advice and added more maple syrup when feeling down. I keep a constant mix by my side and have managed to only feel like passing out once. I got a bit cranky towards the end of the day - but it was mainly due to feeling a bit 'upset'. No biggie.
I have dropped a few lbs - which was not even the point. I was expecting that, and it is nice, but I am not expecting to keep it off. The best part is that I haven't had stomach knots since Sunday evening. My energy level is pretty much the same and I am only slightly ditzy =)

Overall I feel as though this is not just a physical cleanse but a mental cleanse as well. It has been awhile since I have committed myself to anything. I suppose you could say grad school, or my first teaching contract, but not something this intensely personal. I remember when I used to be so mentally strong that I could overcome nearly anything. (Let's not get into the things I encountered when I was a kid). My black belt test was a few hrs long, and around the middle of it I almost didn't finish. I was laying there on the mats...in some serious pain...the wind knocked out of me...looking forward to only more clobberings by men three times my size...and hearing "get up lindsay. get up now". I really didn't think that I could. I was exhausted, bloody, and unable to use my right arm...it was a moment that stands out with perfect clarity in my memory. I thought to myself that I would never forget that moment if I gave up...and so I willed my entire being to finish the test.
Everytime I come up against a challenge I recall that specific moment in time and figure if I could overcome that, I can overcome anything. Regretfully, I feel as though some of that steadfast determination has been lost in in the mess of life. I am going to work on getting it back. Yes...

Day 1: Movement

2009-04-14T17:44:00.000-07:00

More than once I have commented that I wish I could take a magical pill every day that would fulfill all my nutrional needs so that I wouldn't have to eat. More often than not I tend to forget to consume the necessary nutrients that my body needs - so I will go 6 or more hours and then suddenly crash. Not so healthy...I know.
But, when nearly everything you eat makes your stomach churn, and feels like a fist is twisting it into smaller and smaller knots you tend to avoid most food. Plus I just forget to eat with my schedule.

So, I have decided a change is not only desirable, but also unavoidable. So I am on the cleanse. The master cleanse. A cleanse to disperse the crap I have been putting into my body for the past 25 years, the emotional baggage that I have allowed myself to carry, and the spiritual side of myself that has long been ignored.

I really don't know exactly what I am trying to get out of this...it is all a vague blurry haze in front of my face. But, I feel as though I have been blindly walking along the same path for too long. It is time for a change. And, I am ready to try almost anything at this point. This particular change is mother tested and approved - so it must be good =)

Day 1:
Not as bad as I thought. I took all the advice that I gleaned from fellow cleansers and avoided ever getting truly hungry. Oddly enough I actually felt somewhat full all day. It was really hard to not get my usual PB&J from the lunch lady - she is a sweetheart.
The farmer's market stocked me up on what I needed for the most part. Although not difficult, this is not a particularly cheap endeavor. I feel surprisingly awake for only getting 6 hrs of sleep. My energy is fairly constant, and my emotional ups and downs are manageable. I just really miss the whole 'chewing' thing that food provides. Weird.

As for life in general I am looking forward to a number of things...
Seeing Ray LaMontagne in Asheville
School being out - Roadtrip!!!
Going to New York City for Frankie's b-day
Teaching next month for Down South Swing
Seeing Christabel's music video with yours truly and the Knoxville peoples.
What it is like to not crave anything or anyone.

a plan

2009-04-10T12:13:00.000-07:00

We all make plans. Lists. Things to do. Goals. Some of us do it just to ease our minds. Some of us do it to keep from wandering aimlessly. I am fan of setting goals. But, I am also fond of change. Growing up I had to learn to not set my heart on anything or anyone. A nomadic lifestyle keeps you from getting attached to people, places, or things. I have found that the older I get the more I long for solidity, but thrive on change - out of habit. This is quite frustrating being such a goal-oriented person.

Someone asked me what brought me peace. I responded:

Peace is a drive in the mountains with the windows down.
The freedom of not craving anyone or anything.
Peace is not waiting, just being.

I cannot check all of those off my list - but I am working on them everyday. Spring break brought me the peace of the mountains. I went up to Boone to spend time with Michelle, catch up with some old friends, and enjoy the fresh air.
Not waiting for anything is a difficult task these days. We are always waiting for more money, nicer things, for the traffic light to change, the weekend, a new album to come out, a big event to happen, the perfect person to come along. With all this waiting where does the living happen? After all the let downs and mistakes I have made I have resolved to not impatiently wait, but rather make all the moments count. While sounding so cliche it has helped...in many ways.

Going back to Boone reminded me of what I am waiting for. What I really want. What I am working towards. A career in higher education. A front porch with a mountain view. All four seasons. The sounds of silence and birds outside my window. A garden. I might not have these thing today...or next year...or maybe not even the year after that...but it is definitly in my 10 year plan...

So for now I am going to live the hell outta my life. Take every opportunity that comes along. Not hold back. Enjoy the incredible people that surround me. Reconnect with old friends. And just breathe. Because one day, I will be going home.

Everybody's got a way of gettin' on...

2009-02-21T00:38:00.000-08:00

When I am out late, and have a good taste of Jack ,my mind let's loose all the pent up thoughts that wander around aimlessly...

I miss Boone. I miss the fresh air. The contrast of the bright blue sky with the fast-paced clouds. The mountains that surround and overwhelm your view. I miss the view from my spot at the counter in Espresso News. The smell of roasted coffee and hum of daily conversation. I miss the crisp breeze and the daily walks. I don't walk enough now...

I miss my best friend. The studio looking over King street. The records. The live shows with loud music, and the long talks about everything and nothing. Rooftop sessions of blues and quality beer. Or just soaking up early spring rays, sharing conversation, stretched out on a warm blanket.

I miss the mountain views that are so extensive you are never quite sure of how far you can actually see. Is that the final range...or is there more to see? Lazy clouds keep it a mystery.

A cozy bar with faces that you know...any night of the week. A bartender that doesn't even check your ID because they remember you. Sidewalks that carry you and your friends to familiar places. Shows with an energy only found with a community of listeners...not just patrons of an establishment.

When I want to feel these memories I just need to listen to Sally Jaye, Radiohead, Joshua Radin, Ryan Adams, or Ray Lamontagne, andI am transported to higher elevations and a simpler life. The songs that carried me throughout each day. Forget six lanes of traffic. Forget a 40 minute commute. Forget skyscrapers and the necessity of a highway. Give me the curve of a mountain range, and the comfort of a sunset.

And so, I am going to go back. Just for a visit. A taste. A reconnection with the town that has felt more like home than anywhere else I have ever lived.

So, if you are in North Carolina...in the mountainous region of Watauga county I hope to see you sometime during the second week of April...because as much as I enjoy Atlanta, and the peoples here, I miss the simplicity of Boone...and the life that was there. And one day, just maybe, I hope to go back for good.

that's what she said

2009-02-15T17:34:00.000-08:00

There is something undeniably fullfilling about putting pen to paper. A simple flourish can accent a particular mood. The simplicity of text is rewarding, but does not evoke the same personality when read.

I shall try my best.

So many thoughts have been swirling around in my conciousness as of late. I just cannot find the time or energy to sort them all out and create order.
My life is moving along. I have few complaints or angst to spill out on the page. Those parts of me that are hurting or missing will remain private - I tend to nurse my wounds in selclusion thank you very much. There is little point in spilling it all out...unless you thrive on people petting your head and saying "It's o.k. dearie." If you know me at all you know I am not that type.

Certain people in my life seem to be put there for me to learn. I am not sure what, though. Maturity? Relaxation? Acceptance? Leadership? One wonders about ones own quality when they are aggravated by other personalities. I tend to think of myself as fairly accepting...but there are times when I am too critical - and that irks me. I think that is something I will be more aware of...and change in the present time. After all, how often has my personality rubbed others the wrong way? I can only imagine. I have been called arrogant and cold - both of which I don't identify with. It just goes to show you how perspective is everything.

Dance is a perfect example of this...I have been pondering how the whole social ladder works. It is a strange little subculture with a mysterious social pecking order. That goes for competitions, teachers, and 'cool kids'. No matter how many competitions you don't win somehow you can be a judge? Good teacher does not equal good competitor. Good competitor does not equal good teacher. Winning though, does equal cool kid. That seems to be a common theme though in life - and all other sports/activities. Another interesting point about perspective is our perspective of our ability. I have a fairly critical eye when it comes to my dancing. As a goal oriented person I am always reaching for more, always looking for improvement. When movement becomes routine I try to break it. As someone who has settled for less for years...and barely squeeked by...I love a good reality check about my skill level. It is humbling, rewarding, and very human.
Dance is a joy for me. I have lost that in the past year, and only recently rediscovered the magic. Competition has stripped me bare of my perspectives, and also built up confidence. At the moment I think I am going to step back from such goals and work on the joy aspect.
I recently met someone who reminded me that not all 'cool kids' are in it for the spotlight. Being joyful while dancing is not so overrated after all . . .

Enough on that rant...I don't think I am making sense anymore.

My work is finally settling down into being not completely insane. I am getting a grasp on lesson plans, scheduling, pre-planning, and my lab. It has taken over 20hrs of 'overtime' to get all 30 computers up and running with their correct modules and software functional. It has been a slow process, but now that it is working I feel so much more 'whole' about my classroom. The kids are about to wrap up their first module and then we are going to close the quarter with some team projects. Marble rollercoasters, egg protection devices, and bridges will soon fill my room. There is something incredible about a child learning, creating, designing, and building. Hands on activites are in short supply for the average child. Many of them cannot solve simple problems - or even use scissors with any dexterity. Not only do I want them to learn about the evils...ahem...wonders of technology, but I strive to open their worlds to the satisfaction of creating.

That person who you used to tell everything to is no longer on the other end. Caught between intense anger and overwhelming sadness, I only allow myself to even touch that emotional connection on rare occasions. It is so easy to only remember the good things when you are hurting. I remind myself of the frustrations. Of the disagreements. Of the unemotional voice. Of the inabilty to connect. It was amazing and confusing. I felt fullfilled and completely empty at the same time. It was complete and on the surface, entirely shallow. I miss my friend. But, I don't think I was ready.

When are we ready? Months, days, years? It has been august of 2007 since I have allowed myself to be 'in a relationship'. I have entertained the idea, and been very close to quite a few people since. I have carried out the actions and played the part, and yet never succumbed to the term 'relationship'. I have refused to be committed to anyone. Refused to love. Refused to be loved. Stuck in limbo, I feel dull. Worn down. Unable to pick a side, sometimes I wonder if I am broken, or just waiting with the sense of knowing there is 'more out there'. All I know is that all the logic in the world solves nothing when it comes to matters of the heart.

And so I will sit and drink my tea, eat my chocolate chip muffin, and continue to reflect while enjoying my Alcove.

early spring . . .

2008-12-03T20:08:00.000-08:00

3/11

Life is full of beautiful irony.
Today has been gorgeous.
No internet. No electricity. Or message from the mechanic.
Good call on the bike ride into town.
Good call on the warm scarf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Predictability.
Sometimes a comfort.
Sometimes a bore.
You seek it. You revolve your very being around being able to know what comes next.
Uncomfortably shifting in your skin.
We like to know how the story ends.
What the main characters do next.
But we thrive on adventure.
The unknown.
The inability to predict.
Predictability.
I seek you not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then, as in all the wise people in my life say, when you meet 'that' person it is the easiest thing in the world.
You don't wonder what they are thinking.
You don't doubt them.
They are moving along at the same pace in life.
They don't stifle you.
They understand you as an individual and enjoy you for who you are.
I tend to agree

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, am I happy?
That is such a multifaceted question that has a myriad of answers.
Deep down I am content.
On the surface I am anxious.
Deep down I am broken.
On the surface I am eager.
Happiness is a shallow emotion that is brought about by petty pleasures. Momentary. Selfish.
My conflicting emotions cause a distaste for such courtesies as happiness.
I am happy to think about you. I am happy to think you return the sentiment.
But you are not the source of my internal, eternal happiness. No one is. Or ever will be.
That is my promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No matter how hard we try to make everything perfect, it will never be. There will always be histories. Broken hearts. Lost love. Rejection. Hurt.
We all come into a relationship with baggage. No one is perfect or free from such things.
And that is o.k.
We must, however, realize how to deal with them. Because we all have experienced this grand adventure that brings us immeasurable joy and pain. Love.
I just hope I don't fuck up too badly.

passing by with every exit sign . . .

2008-11-25T15:53:00.000-08:00

I love to post lyrics. I hate to read them when someone else does though.
Internally, music is a holistic experience. It amazes me how many people don't actually listen to the words in a song. Quite often my friends say "Oh, I just hear the beat." Interesting.
A song would not be a song if it were not for the words that the artist is putting on top, or underneath, or alongside the rest of the music.
Sometimes when I listen to a song I see a dance, or rather a general movement or shape that goes along with it. Like where people would be, and what kind of shapes they would make in their groupings and then within their movement. In simple terms: I check out when I listen to music.

Either way, if you don't like to read lyrics then just find the song. But I am posting it because besides loving the entirety of the song, I am in a place right now that identifies with the words...

"What a day" by Greg Laswell.

What a day to be alive
What a day to realize I'm not dead
What a day to save a dime
What a day to die trying

What a way to say good bye
What a wonderful life now
What a way to use your mind
What a day to say good night

"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life"
(My life)

What a day to give a damn
What a day for "Gone with the Wind"
And what a day to start again
What a day to give up dry gin

"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life"
"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life"

Let it go
Let it go from here, I don't know
Let it go
Let it go from here, I don't know
Don't know

What a day to visit Seattle
What a day for San Francisco
What a day, holy Toldeo
What a day to get in the air and go
What a day to give up smoking
What a day to absorb
What a day to welcome a baby
And to begin breathing

the bends

2008-11-09T14:07:00.000-08:00

I recently discovered that I am the only leftie in my family. No, I do not write with my left hand, instead, I vote for the left side.
My family is military, and I think that trickles down through the generations. Not to mention how conservative they are about religion and other touchy subjects. There is not much conversation about the realness of God. It is just not questionable. Now I am not a registered democract - nor do I want to be - but I am certainly not a republican by any means. I think the holiday dinner table this year will hold some interesting coversations to say the least . . .

I find a constant inner struggle with my place in the realm of faith. While I had a strict upbringing to be christian, I find anyone who holds so strongly to such a faith to be somewhat frustrating. Yet, when my other friends who are adamantly against christians profess their dislike it raises my hackles and I am ready to fight for the religion that I hold closest to my heart. My inner reflection on such responses only brings me to one conclusion - I am irritated by those who judge someone elses beliefs. I think it stems from my incredibly narrowminded childhood that taught me to place unquestioning judgement on anyone else who believed anything different. And that just sickens me. I have met such an incredible variety of people in my life that while I might not agree with everyone I hold a great amount of respect for those who are on different paths than myself.
An excellent example of my family's deep-seated need to believe in God is the fact my grandparents bought me a subscription to Discovery - a daily bible reader. My grandmother is convinced that I am not a christian or don't know God or something to that extent. I really don't know what sparked that in her. Maybe is is me being Catholic, or maybe living in Boone, or maybe not voting for McCain. I don't know, but she is bound and determined that I read the bible for salvation. Now, I love her with all my heart, and she is one of the most inspirational, hard-working, dedicated, strong, passionate, women I know, but she is a bit extreme sometimes, which unfortunately, turns me off to religion. Sigh . . . I don't know where I am going with this . . . I just had to ramble for awhile. I do know that it is very difficult for me to worship a tangible person.

My new favorite show is 30Rock. Tina Fey is my hero. I actually laugh out loud while watching it alone. And that means it is pretty damn funny. If you are not already in love, then you need to check it out. That rounds out my online tv watching to: Dexter, The Office, and 30Rock . . .

I am pumped about KLX. I have been going for, what, 5 or 6 years now? I can't even remember. I just know that I am looking forward to seeing my peoples, rocking out with the good southern dj's and the most excellent food. Never underestimate southern hospitality =)

Atlanta sometimes still does not feel like home. I drive on top of spaghetti junction every day and see the skyline off in the distance. It is beautiful sight, but still a bit surreal. I think it is because my life is consumed by teaching and learning. Which, don't get me wrong, is fantastic, but I think I will try to make it out more in the spring. Money is still pretty tight so catching a show and dinner is not always in the budget, but I promised myself I would take advantage of the culture that the big city offers. Maybe that is just it. I am not such a big city girl. I would love to live in a small town and walk everywhere. I like favorite spots, and familiar faces.

Maybe someday I will have my dream of living in a small town, working at a college or university, and enjoying the dance community all at the same time. Someday . . .