I was just thinking...

This is an article recently posted in the New York Times. I found it to be some good reading, and finally a medical voice for all of us hippies who are not so keen on the use of antibiotics.

Stomach Bug Crystallizes an Antibiotic Threat
By TARA PARKER-POPE
Published: April 13, 2009

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/14/health/14well.html?em

Day 3: Lighter

"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections"

I am not particularly inspired to begin writing, but I have decided to keep this blog for the ten days...so I shall ramble for a bit.

That whole determination thing, yeah...I had a friend tell me on the phone today that I was the most determined person that she knew and that I would have no problems with a measly little ten days. That helped a lot because I came really close to caving today - but I keep tricking myself into "just get through today" and then within a few minutes or an hr my body had readjusted to whatever it is doing, and I feltl even better.
It amazes me how I don't feel strongly about any decision I make anymore. It is as though I just float along with what life brings instead of taking a stand for what I really want or need. This is definitely a test of my personal strength more than just physical. When you look back and truly despise certain parts of your life it makes each new decision that much more important.
I honestly have no idea what to expect from each day. It is a incredible sensation to be so in tune to what my body is doing and saying. It is almost like I am walking around looking out of myself as you would, say, a car. As an obsessively observant person it has heightened my sense of the world even more. Again, totally weird.

I shall spare you the details, but I will say that overall I feel...lighter. There is less of me to move around, and my body is finally assimilating nutrients and calories to a greater extent. Honestly, it is the first time in months that I have not been in intense pain every single night. And even now I am not actually hungry.

My phone-a-friend calls have been all the more helpful. Moogy and Shims have been incredibly supportive of my new found freedom; offering advice and positive words. So yeah, it feels like a moment to moment rollercoaster of emotions about my body, mind, and heart right now - but I am really glad that I am going through this right now. Change go'ne come...

Time to snuggle up with a nice cup of mediocre tasting tea and an over-hyped novel.

Day 2: Maintaining

Ben Harper says it so well....

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.
With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

There are stages to it. First is total numbness, like I cannot even feel any emotion attached to the situation. I really just don't care. Next comes the flip flopping. I am either happy or incredibly depressed to the point of tears. I am in the second stage right now.
I look back and examine my actions and emotions that led up to Monday night. I was really happy, right? I enjoyed his company, his presence, his laughter, his friendship, his caring...but somewhere deep down I wasn't fulfilled...I think? It is all a muddle now. I can clearly recall how much joy I felt just sharing my life with another person, how I loved just knowing he was there on the other end...and just as clearly I remember how frustrated I would get at the thought and experience of 'us'. I have a deep-seated feeling that somehow I have walked away from the best person that has ever happened to me. Time will tell.

So many times in my life I have doubted myself, wondered, have I done the right thing? Is this the right choice? In the past I wouldn't allow myself to actually choose, instead living in the gray limbo of 'both'. I am desperately trying to stop that by being painfully honest. By making an absolute choice. By not going back on my decisions. By forging ahead and taking what comes. By ceasing to be intolerably impatient.

Day two has consisted of maintaining "un-hungriness". While I am not a foodie by any means, it is still weird to not bite into a sandwich. I am fan of the PB&J around twelve thirty. Anyway...enough about food. I am feeling surprisingly good. I have taken my mother's wise advice and added more maple syrup when feeling down. I keep a constant mix by my side and have managed to only feel like passing out once. I got a bit cranky towards the end of the day - but it was mainly due to feeling a bit 'upset'. No biggie.
I have dropped a few lbs - which was not even the point. I was expecting that, and it is nice, but I am not expecting to keep it off. The best part is that I haven't had stomach knots since Sunday evening. My energy level is pretty much the same and I am only slightly ditzy =)

Overall I feel as though this is not just a physical cleanse but a mental cleanse as well. It has been awhile since I have committed myself to anything. I suppose you could say grad school, or my first teaching contract, but not something this intensely personal. I remember when I used to be so mentally strong that I could overcome nearly anything. (Let's not get into the things I encountered when I was a kid). My black belt test was a few hrs long, and around the middle of it I almost didn't finish. I was laying there on the mats...in some serious pain...the wind knocked out of me...looking forward to only more clobberings by men three times my size...and hearing "get up lindsay. get up now". I really didn't think that I could. I was exhausted, bloody, and unable to use my right arm...it was a moment that stands out with perfect clarity in my memory. I thought to myself that I would never forget that moment if I gave up...and so I willed my entire being to finish the test.
Everytime I come up against a challenge I recall that specific moment in time and figure if I could overcome that, I can overcome anything. Regretfully, I feel as though some of that steadfast determination has been lost in in the mess of life. I am going to work on getting it back. Yes...

Day 1: Movement

More than once I have commented that I wish I could take a magical pill every day that would fulfill all my nutrional needs so that I wouldn't have to eat. More often than not I tend to forget to consume the necessary nutrients that my body needs - so I will go 6 or more hours and then suddenly crash. Not so healthy...I know.
But, when nearly everything you eat makes your stomach churn, and feels like a fist is twisting it into smaller and smaller knots you tend to avoid most food. Plus I just forget to eat with my schedule.

So, I have decided a change is not only desirable, but also unavoidable. So I am on the cleanse. The master cleanse. A cleanse to disperse the crap I have been putting into my body for the past 25 years, the emotional baggage that I have allowed myself to carry, and the spiritual side of myself that has long been ignored.

I really don't know exactly what I am trying to get out of this...it is all a vague blurry haze in front of my face. But, I feel as though I have been blindly walking along the same path for too long. It is time for a change. And, I am ready to try almost anything at this point. This particular change is mother tested and approved - so it must be good =)

Day 1:
Not as bad as I thought. I took all the advice that I gleaned from fellow cleansers and avoided ever getting truly hungry. Oddly enough I actually felt somewhat full all day. It was really hard to not get my usual PB&J from the lunch lady - she is a sweetheart.
The farmer's market stocked me up on what I needed for the most part. Although not difficult, this is not a particularly cheap endeavor. I feel surprisingly awake for only getting 6 hrs of sleep. My energy is fairly constant, and my emotional ups and downs are manageable. I just really miss the whole 'chewing' thing that food provides. Weird.

As for life in general I am looking forward to a number of things...
Seeing Ray LaMontagne in Asheville
School being out - Roadtrip!!!
Going to New York City for Frankie's b-day
Teaching next month for Down South Swing
Seeing Christabel's music video with yours truly and the Knoxville peoples.
What it is like to not crave anything or anyone.

a plan

We all make plans. Lists. Things to do. Goals. Some of us do it just to ease our minds. Some of us do it to keep from wandering aimlessly. I am fan of setting goals. But, I am also fond of change. Growing up I had to learn to not set my heart on anything or anyone. A nomadic lifestyle keeps you from getting attached to people, places, or things. I have found that the older I get the more I long for solidity, but thrive on change - out of habit. This is quite frustrating being such a goal-oriented person.

Someone asked me what brought me peace. I responded:

Peace is a drive in the mountains with the windows down.
The freedom of not craving anyone or anything.
Peace is not waiting, just being.

I cannot check all of those off my list - but I am working on them everyday. Spring break brought me the peace of the mountains. I went up to Boone to spend time with Michelle, catch up with some old friends, and enjoy the fresh air.
Not waiting for anything is a difficult task these days. We are always waiting for more money, nicer things, for the traffic light to change, the weekend, a new album to come out, a big event to happen, the perfect person to come along. With all this waiting where does the living happen? After all the let downs and mistakes I have made I have resolved to not impatiently wait, but rather make all the moments count. While sounding so cliche it has helped...in many ways.

Going back to Boone reminded me of what I am waiting for. What I really want. What I am working towards. A career in higher education. A front porch with a mountain view. All four seasons. The sounds of silence and birds outside my window. A garden. I might not have these thing today...or next year...or maybe not even the year after that...but it is definitly in my 10 year plan...

So for now I am going to live the hell outta my life. Take every opportunity that comes along. Not hold back. Enjoy the incredible people that surround me. Reconnect with old friends. And just breathe. Because one day, I will be going home.

Everybody's got a way of gettin' on...

When I am out late, and have a good taste of Jack ,my mind let's loose all the pent up thoughts that wander around aimlessly...

I miss Boone. I miss the fresh air. The contrast of the bright blue sky with the fast-paced clouds. The mountains that surround and overwhelm your view. I miss the view from my spot at the counter in Espresso News. The smell of roasted coffee and hum of daily conversation. I miss the crisp breeze and the daily walks. I don't walk enough now...

I miss my best friend. The studio looking over King street. The records. The live shows with loud music, and the long talks about everything and nothing. Rooftop sessions of blues and quality beer. Or just soaking up early spring rays, sharing conversation, stretched out on a warm blanket.

I miss the mountain views that are so extensive you are never quite sure of how far you can actually see. Is that the final range...or is there more to see? Lazy clouds keep it a mystery.

A cozy bar with faces that you know...any night of the week. A bartender that doesn't even check your ID because they remember you. Sidewalks that carry you and your friends to familiar places. Shows with an energy only found with a community of listeners...not just patrons of an establishment.

When I want to feel these memories I just need to listen to Sally Jaye, Radiohead, Joshua Radin, Ryan Adams, or Ray Lamontagne, andI am transported to higher elevations and a simpler life. The songs that carried me throughout each day. Forget six lanes of traffic. Forget a 40 minute commute. Forget skyscrapers and the necessity of a highway. Give me the curve of a mountain range, and the comfort of a sunset.

And so, I am going to go back. Just for a visit. A taste. A reconnection with the town that has felt more like home than anywhere else I have ever lived.

So, if you are in North Carolina...in the mountainous region of Watauga county I hope to see you sometime during the second week of April...because as much as I enjoy Atlanta, and the peoples here, I miss the simplicity of Boone...and the life that was there. And one day, just maybe, I hope to go back for good.

that's what she said

There is something undeniably fullfilling about putting pen to paper. A simple flourish can accent a particular mood. The simplicity of text is rewarding, but does not evoke the same personality when read.

I shall try my best.

So many thoughts have been swirling around in my conciousness as of late. I just cannot find the time or energy to sort them all out and create order.
My life is moving along. I have few complaints or angst to spill out on the page. Those parts of me that are hurting or missing will remain private - I tend to nurse my wounds in selclusion thank you very much. There is little point in spilling it all out...unless you thrive on people petting your head and saying "It's o.k. dearie." If you know me at all you know I am not that type.

Certain people in my life seem to be put there for me to learn. I am not sure what, though. Maturity? Relaxation? Acceptance? Leadership? One wonders about ones own quality when they are aggravated by other personalities. I tend to think of myself as fairly accepting...but there are times when I am too critical - and that irks me. I think that is something I will be more aware of...and change in the present time. After all, how often has my personality rubbed others the wrong way? I can only imagine. I have been called arrogant and cold - both of which I don't identify with. It just goes to show you how perspective is everything.

Dance is a perfect example of this...I have been pondering how the whole social ladder works. It is a strange little subculture with a mysterious social pecking order. That goes for competitions, teachers, and 'cool kids'. No matter how many competitions you don't win somehow you can be a judge? Good teacher does not equal good competitor. Good competitor does not equal good teacher. Winning though, does equal cool kid. That seems to be a common theme though in life - and all other sports/activities. Another interesting point about perspective is our perspective of our ability. I have a fairly critical eye when it comes to my dancing. As a goal oriented person I am always reaching for more, always looking for improvement. When movement becomes routine I try to break it. As someone who has settled for less for years...and barely squeeked by...I love a good reality check about my skill level. It is humbling, rewarding, and very human.
Dance is a joy for me. I have lost that in the past year, and only recently rediscovered the magic. Competition has stripped me bare of my perspectives, and also built up confidence. At the moment I think I am going to step back from such goals and work on the joy aspect.
I recently met someone who reminded me that not all 'cool kids' are in it for the spotlight. Being joyful while dancing is not so overrated after all . . .

Enough on that rant...I don't think I am making sense anymore.

My work is finally settling down into being not completely insane. I am getting a grasp on lesson plans, scheduling, pre-planning, and my lab. It has taken over 20hrs of 'overtime' to get all 30 computers up and running with their correct modules and software functional. It has been a slow process, but now that it is working I feel so much more 'whole' about my classroom. The kids are about to wrap up their first module and then we are going to close the quarter with some team projects. Marble rollercoasters, egg protection devices, and bridges will soon fill my room. There is something incredible about a child learning, creating, designing, and building. Hands on activites are in short supply for the average child. Many of them cannot solve simple problems - or even use scissors with any dexterity. Not only do I want them to learn about the evils...ahem...wonders of technology, but I strive to open their worlds to the satisfaction of creating.

That person who you used to tell everything to is no longer on the other end. Caught between intense anger and overwhelming sadness, I only allow myself to even touch that emotional connection on rare occasions. It is so easy to only remember the good things when you are hurting. I remind myself of the frustrations. Of the disagreements. Of the unemotional voice. Of the inabilty to connect. It was amazing and confusing. I felt fullfilled and completely empty at the same time. It was complete and on the surface, entirely shallow. I miss my friend. But, I don't think I was ready.

When are we ready? Months, days, years? It has been august of 2007 since I have allowed myself to be 'in a relationship'. I have entertained the idea, and been very close to quite a few people since. I have carried out the actions and played the part, and yet never succumbed to the term 'relationship'. I have refused to be committed to anyone. Refused to love. Refused to be loved. Stuck in limbo, I feel dull. Worn down. Unable to pick a side, sometimes I wonder if I am broken, or just waiting with the sense of knowing there is 'more out there'. All I know is that all the logic in the world solves nothing when it comes to matters of the heart.

And so I will sit and drink my tea, eat my chocolate chip muffin, and continue to reflect while enjoying my Alcove.