Wow. That is all I can really say about yesterday…
Regardless of the 4am bedtime, I woke up at 9 raring to go. I forced myself to go back to sleep and managed to get another two hours before I said hello to Saturday. The day began with a cup of tea, as usual, and another visit to the gym. My legs are killing me, but all I can think about is stretching and walking it out. So, I walked for 30 minutes and then ran about half a mile. Lifting felt great, and so did the extensive stretching. I think I can almost see a little four-pack forming. Oh yeah…and they have a scale at the gym. I am down to 124. eeeep.
After the gym D, Nick, and I headed down to Piedmont Park for some Frisbee fun. While I am not an avid Frisbee player, and really didn’t feel like torturing my legs anymore, I went with them to keep my mind off of the million other things that have been plaguing my thoughts. We walked around for a good hour, checking out the Dogwoods Arts Festival booths and music. While I didn’t bring enough to drink, it was a much needed outing and it felt really good to be outside.
The rest of my evening was very chill. I read in the hammock, made some more lemonade, took a short nap, and thought about life in general. My energy level has maintained itself as long as I never allow myself to get hungry. I feel soooo much better with a couple extra glasses of H2O each day. It is almost filling. The tea though, has become almost..."meh".
Relationships are not easy. It has been a long time since I have been willing to allow a relationship get to the point of ‘not easy’. I have a pattern of simply walking away when the going gets tough. I don’t feel fulfilled, I am scared, and simply put, and the guy has never really put up a fight. It has been tough these past few weeks – months – because I have gotten to the rough spots with him. I have met those walls, and gotten to know all the parts of our relationship that really tick me off. And so I ran - just like I have every other time. But he hasn’t. Not for over a year. And that means a whole hell of a lot. So yeah, I am willing to work at it. I am willing to communicate. I am willing to lay it down and invest the necessary time and energy into ‘us’. Sure it is scary. Yes, I still doubt myself more than ever. But, he said that I am worth it. And believe me, he is more than worth it.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Day 5: Feelin' Good
I think that yesterday was my hump day...because today I feel simply amazing. I woke up at 8 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I was mildly productive around the house doing important tasks such as painting my toenails and processing laundry. I rounded out my morning with fresh drinks and about and hr or so of reading on the front porch.
Around noon Sosh, Lisa, Nick, and I headed to stone mountain to enjoy the sunshine and use Lisa's free parking pass. We all made it to the top with little difficulty, Nick skipping ahead like a mountain goat. Basking in the sun like lizards on the north side, we worked on our spring tans until the wind blew cold and Lisa got "people bumps".
The way down was fairly easy except for the whole part where my thighs were screaming at me because they were subjected to leg presses the night before and were certain that my use of them now was completely uncalled for.
We hit the DeKalb farmers market on the way home, stocking up on organic goodies for the week. It was totally slammed. I bought a giant bag of fresh lemons and was carrying it around - and got quite the looks. One lady even commented after she passed me "my, that is a big bag of lemons". I reveled in my own amusement.
I admit that I crashed when I got home, resting with a book and then finally dozing off for about an hr. When I woke up I felt terrible, I was incredibly weak and starving. So, I promply made and drank two very fresh drinks. Boo ya. Back to 100 percent.
I hopped up out that bed, turned my swagg on...took a look in the mirror, said "what's up?"
Out for the night to Tongue and Groove for some serious dance time. I am wide awake, full of energy, and ready to stay up all night. Bring it...Day 5 is mine!
Around noon Sosh, Lisa, Nick, and I headed to stone mountain to enjoy the sunshine and use Lisa's free parking pass. We all made it to the top with little difficulty, Nick skipping ahead like a mountain goat. Basking in the sun like lizards on the north side, we worked on our spring tans until the wind blew cold and Lisa got "people bumps".
The way down was fairly easy except for the whole part where my thighs were screaming at me because they were subjected to leg presses the night before and were certain that my use of them now was completely uncalled for.
We hit the DeKalb farmers market on the way home, stocking up on organic goodies for the week. It was totally slammed. I bought a giant bag of fresh lemons and was carrying it around - and got quite the looks. One lady even commented after she passed me "my, that is a big bag of lemons". I reveled in my own amusement.
I admit that I crashed when I got home, resting with a book and then finally dozing off for about an hr. When I woke up I felt terrible, I was incredibly weak and starving. So, I promply made and drank two very fresh drinks. Boo ya. Back to 100 percent.
I hopped up out that bed, turned my swagg on...took a look in the mirror, said "what's up?"
Out for the night to Tongue and Groove for some serious dance time. I am wide awake, full of energy, and ready to stay up all night. Bring it...Day 5 is mine!
Day 4: Energetic
I know I am writing this a day late...but I thought I would provide a quick summary of day four.
It was the first day of the cleanse that I have not felt overly hungry and have noticed an increase in energy level. It was really easy to wake up, get moving, and out the door. I felt almost like I had drank a cup of coffee on the way to work - without the jitters.
Side note: I think I need to use less cayenne pepper.
I am still crabby by the end of the day because I am just not ingesting enough calories (I think), but when I got home and made myself a fresh one my attitude turned itself around.
Another side note: My short temper is back.
Achievement of the day? I went to the gym with 'the boys'. I ran a full mile - something I have never accomplished in my life. Then, I lifted until the guys wanted to call it a night. So you tell me this? How have I not eaten for 4 days, and can still go to the gym and feel even more incredible when I leave?
It was the first day of the cleanse that I have not felt overly hungry and have noticed an increase in energy level. It was really easy to wake up, get moving, and out the door. I felt almost like I had drank a cup of coffee on the way to work - without the jitters.
Side note: I think I need to use less cayenne pepper.
I am still crabby by the end of the day because I am just not ingesting enough calories (I think), but when I got home and made myself a fresh one my attitude turned itself around.
Another side note: My short temper is back.
Achievement of the day? I went to the gym with 'the boys'. I ran a full mile - something I have never accomplished in my life. Then, I lifted until the guys wanted to call it a night. So you tell me this? How have I not eaten for 4 days, and can still go to the gym and feel even more incredible when I leave?
Friday, April 17, 2009
I was just thinking...
This is an article recently posted in the New York Times. I found it to be some good reading, and finally a medical voice for all of us hippies who are not so keen on the use of antibiotics.
Stomach Bug Crystallizes an Antibiotic Threat
By TARA PARKER-POPE
Published: April 13, 2009
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/14/health/14well.html?em
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Day 3: Lighter
"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections"
I am not particularly inspired to begin writing, but I have decided to keep this blog for the ten days...so I shall ramble for a bit.
That whole determination thing, yeah...I had a friend tell me on the phone today that I was the most determined person that she knew and that I would have no problems with a measly little ten days. That helped a lot because I came really close to caving today - but I keep tricking myself into "just get through today" and then within a few minutes or an hr my body had readjusted to whatever it is doing, and I feltl even better.
It amazes me how I don't feel strongly about any decision I make anymore. It is as though I just float along with what life brings instead of taking a stand for what I really want or need. This is definitely a test of my personal strength more than just physical. When you look back and truly despise certain parts of your life it makes each new decision that much more important.
I honestly have no idea what to expect from each day. It is a incredible sensation to be so in tune to what my body is doing and saying. It is almost like I am walking around looking out of myself as you would, say, a car. As an obsessively observant person it has heightened my sense of the world even more. Again, totally weird.
I shall spare you the details, but I will say that overall I feel...lighter. There is less of me to move around, and my body is finally assimilating nutrients and calories to a greater extent. Honestly, it is the first time in months that I have not been in intense pain every single night. And even now I am not actually hungry.
My phone-a-friend calls have been all the more helpful. Moogy and Shims have been incredibly supportive of my new found freedom; offering advice and positive words. So yeah, it feels like a moment to moment rollercoaster of emotions about my body, mind, and heart right now - but I am really glad that I am going through this right now. Change go'ne come...
Time to snuggle up with a nice cup of mediocre tasting tea and an over-hyped novel.
I am not particularly inspired to begin writing, but I have decided to keep this blog for the ten days...so I shall ramble for a bit.
That whole determination thing, yeah...I had a friend tell me on the phone today that I was the most determined person that she knew and that I would have no problems with a measly little ten days. That helped a lot because I came really close to caving today - but I keep tricking myself into "just get through today" and then within a few minutes or an hr my body had readjusted to whatever it is doing, and I feltl even better.
It amazes me how I don't feel strongly about any decision I make anymore. It is as though I just float along with what life brings instead of taking a stand for what I really want or need. This is definitely a test of my personal strength more than just physical. When you look back and truly despise certain parts of your life it makes each new decision that much more important.
I honestly have no idea what to expect from each day. It is a incredible sensation to be so in tune to what my body is doing and saying. It is almost like I am walking around looking out of myself as you would, say, a car. As an obsessively observant person it has heightened my sense of the world even more. Again, totally weird.
I shall spare you the details, but I will say that overall I feel...lighter. There is less of me to move around, and my body is finally assimilating nutrients and calories to a greater extent. Honestly, it is the first time in months that I have not been in intense pain every single night. And even now I am not actually hungry.
My phone-a-friend calls have been all the more helpful. Moogy and Shims have been incredibly supportive of my new found freedom; offering advice and positive words. So yeah, it feels like a moment to moment rollercoaster of emotions about my body, mind, and heart right now - but I am really glad that I am going through this right now. Change go'ne come...
Time to snuggle up with a nice cup of mediocre tasting tea and an over-hyped novel.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Day 2: Maintaining
Ben Harper says it so well....
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.
With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.
There are stages to it. First is total numbness, like I cannot even feel any emotion attached to the situation. I really just don't care. Next comes the flip flopping. I am either happy or incredibly depressed to the point of tears. I am in the second stage right now.
I look back and examine my actions and emotions that led up to Monday night. I was really happy, right? I enjoyed his company, his presence, his laughter, his friendship, his caring...but somewhere deep down I wasn't fulfilled...I think? It is all a muddle now. I can clearly recall how much joy I felt just sharing my life with another person, how I loved just knowing he was there on the other end...and just as clearly I remember how frustrated I would get at the thought and experience of 'us'. I have a deep-seated feeling that somehow I have walked away from the best person that has ever happened to me. Time will tell.
So many times in my life I have doubted myself, wondered, have I done the right thing? Is this the right choice? In the past I wouldn't allow myself to actually choose, instead living in the gray limbo of 'both'. I am desperately trying to stop that by being painfully honest. By making an absolute choice. By not going back on my decisions. By forging ahead and taking what comes. By ceasing to be intolerably impatient.
Day two has consisted of maintaining "un-hungriness". While I am not a foodie by any means, it is still weird to not bite into a sandwich. I am fan of the PB&J around twelve thirty. Anyway...enough about food. I am feeling surprisingly good. I have taken my mother's wise advice and added more maple syrup when feeling down. I keep a constant mix by my side and have managed to only feel like passing out once. I got a bit cranky towards the end of the day - but it was mainly due to feeling a bit 'upset'. No biggie.
I have dropped a few lbs - which was not even the point. I was expecting that, and it is nice, but I am not expecting to keep it off. The best part is that I haven't had stomach knots since Sunday evening. My energy level is pretty much the same and I am only slightly ditzy =)
Overall I feel as though this is not just a physical cleanse but a mental cleanse as well. It has been awhile since I have committed myself to anything. I suppose you could say grad school, or my first teaching contract, but not something this intensely personal. I remember when I used to be so mentally strong that I could overcome nearly anything. (Let's not get into the things I encountered when I was a kid). My black belt test was a few hrs long, and around the middle of it I almost didn't finish. I was laying there on the mats...in some serious pain...the wind knocked out of me...looking forward to only more clobberings by men three times my size...and hearing "get up lindsay. get up now". I really didn't think that I could. I was exhausted, bloody, and unable to use my right arm...it was a moment that stands out with perfect clarity in my memory. I thought to myself that I would never forget that moment if I gave up...and so I willed my entire being to finish the test.
Everytime I come up against a challenge I recall that specific moment in time and figure if I could overcome that, I can overcome anything. Regretfully, I feel as though some of that steadfast determination has been lost in in the mess of life. I am going to work on getting it back. Yes...
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.
With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.
There are stages to it. First is total numbness, like I cannot even feel any emotion attached to the situation. I really just don't care. Next comes the flip flopping. I am either happy or incredibly depressed to the point of tears. I am in the second stage right now.
I look back and examine my actions and emotions that led up to Monday night. I was really happy, right? I enjoyed his company, his presence, his laughter, his friendship, his caring...but somewhere deep down I wasn't fulfilled...I think? It is all a muddle now. I can clearly recall how much joy I felt just sharing my life with another person, how I loved just knowing he was there on the other end...and just as clearly I remember how frustrated I would get at the thought and experience of 'us'. I have a deep-seated feeling that somehow I have walked away from the best person that has ever happened to me. Time will tell.
So many times in my life I have doubted myself, wondered, have I done the right thing? Is this the right choice? In the past I wouldn't allow myself to actually choose, instead living in the gray limbo of 'both'. I am desperately trying to stop that by being painfully honest. By making an absolute choice. By not going back on my decisions. By forging ahead and taking what comes. By ceasing to be intolerably impatient.
Day two has consisted of maintaining "un-hungriness". While I am not a foodie by any means, it is still weird to not bite into a sandwich. I am fan of the PB&J around twelve thirty. Anyway...enough about food. I am feeling surprisingly good. I have taken my mother's wise advice and added more maple syrup when feeling down. I keep a constant mix by my side and have managed to only feel like passing out once. I got a bit cranky towards the end of the day - but it was mainly due to feeling a bit 'upset'. No biggie.
I have dropped a few lbs - which was not even the point. I was expecting that, and it is nice, but I am not expecting to keep it off. The best part is that I haven't had stomach knots since Sunday evening. My energy level is pretty much the same and I am only slightly ditzy =)
Overall I feel as though this is not just a physical cleanse but a mental cleanse as well. It has been awhile since I have committed myself to anything. I suppose you could say grad school, or my first teaching contract, but not something this intensely personal. I remember when I used to be so mentally strong that I could overcome nearly anything. (Let's not get into the things I encountered when I was a kid). My black belt test was a few hrs long, and around the middle of it I almost didn't finish. I was laying there on the mats...in some serious pain...the wind knocked out of me...looking forward to only more clobberings by men three times my size...and hearing "get up lindsay. get up now". I really didn't think that I could. I was exhausted, bloody, and unable to use my right arm...it was a moment that stands out with perfect clarity in my memory. I thought to myself that I would never forget that moment if I gave up...and so I willed my entire being to finish the test.
Everytime I come up against a challenge I recall that specific moment in time and figure if I could overcome that, I can overcome anything. Regretfully, I feel as though some of that steadfast determination has been lost in in the mess of life. I am going to work on getting it back. Yes...
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Day 1: Movement
More than once I have commented that I wish I could take a magical pill every day that would fulfill all my nutrional needs so that I wouldn't have to eat. More often than not I tend to forget to consume the necessary nutrients that my body needs - so I will go 6 or more hours and then suddenly crash. Not so healthy...I know.
But, when nearly everything you eat makes your stomach churn, and feels like a fist is twisting it into smaller and smaller knots you tend to avoid most food. Plus I just forget to eat with my schedule.
So, I have decided a change is not only desirable, but also unavoidable. So I am on the cleanse. The master cleanse. A cleanse to disperse the crap I have been putting into my body for the past 25 years, the emotional baggage that I have allowed myself to carry, and the spiritual side of myself that has long been ignored.
I really don't know exactly what I am trying to get out of this...it is all a vague blurry haze in front of my face. But, I feel as though I have been blindly walking along the same path for too long. It is time for a change. And, I am ready to try almost anything at this point. This particular change is mother tested and approved - so it must be good =)
Day 1:
Not as bad as I thought. I took all the advice that I gleaned from fellow cleansers and avoided ever getting truly hungry. Oddly enough I actually felt somewhat full all day. It was really hard to not get my usual PB&J from the lunch lady - she is a sweetheart.
The farmer's market stocked me up on what I needed for the most part. Although not difficult, this is not a particularly cheap endeavor. I feel surprisingly awake for only getting 6 hrs of sleep. My energy is fairly constant, and my emotional ups and downs are manageable. I just really miss the whole 'chewing' thing that food provides. Weird.
As for life in general I am looking forward to a number of things...
Seeing Ray LaMontagne in Asheville
School being out - Roadtrip!!!
Going to New York City for Frankie's b-day
Teaching next month for Down South Swing
Seeing Christabel's music video with yours truly and the Knoxville peoples.
What it is like to not crave anything or anyone.
But, when nearly everything you eat makes your stomach churn, and feels like a fist is twisting it into smaller and smaller knots you tend to avoid most food. Plus I just forget to eat with my schedule.
So, I have decided a change is not only desirable, but also unavoidable. So I am on the cleanse. The master cleanse. A cleanse to disperse the crap I have been putting into my body for the past 25 years, the emotional baggage that I have allowed myself to carry, and the spiritual side of myself that has long been ignored.
I really don't know exactly what I am trying to get out of this...it is all a vague blurry haze in front of my face. But, I feel as though I have been blindly walking along the same path for too long. It is time for a change. And, I am ready to try almost anything at this point. This particular change is mother tested and approved - so it must be good =)
Day 1:
Not as bad as I thought. I took all the advice that I gleaned from fellow cleansers and avoided ever getting truly hungry. Oddly enough I actually felt somewhat full all day. It was really hard to not get my usual PB&J from the lunch lady - she is a sweetheart.
The farmer's market stocked me up on what I needed for the most part. Although not difficult, this is not a particularly cheap endeavor. I feel surprisingly awake for only getting 6 hrs of sleep. My energy is fairly constant, and my emotional ups and downs are manageable. I just really miss the whole 'chewing' thing that food provides. Weird.
As for life in general I am looking forward to a number of things...
Seeing Ray LaMontagne in Asheville
School being out - Roadtrip!!!
Going to New York City for Frankie's b-day
Teaching next month for Down South Swing
Seeing Christabel's music video with yours truly and the Knoxville peoples.
What it is like to not crave anything or anyone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)