Toxic

What comes to mind when you say the word toxic? Generally speaking it is something that you don't want in your vicinity, never mind physical body. Very few people, besides comic book villains (who have childhood issues) would like to claim that they spread toxicity.

On a tangible level, toxic things are unnatural substances that cause harm to whatever they come in contact with. Cancer, sickness, illness, or even a condition that turns hereditary. Basically,  your body rejects the toxic item, or cells go crazy trying to process it -- resulting in malignant tumors, or clusters of f'ed up cells. It's not a pretty picture. We all know what happens to towns located near nuclear plants, or get runoff from an industrial site. It's all quite hush, hush to preserve the greater good that is being created at the aforementioned monstrosities.

On a less visible level toxic emotions and words can cause the same things. What the hell are you talking about? Anger and hatred are probably the first ones that come to mind. I don't disagree, but I find they are the byproduct (or tumor, if you will) of root toxins: jealousy, selfishness, egotism, bragging, narcissism, and others along the same line.




Where is toxicity found in your life? I have been asking myself this question lately. This has been the year of Love, and while it is going very well, I still find that covering everything up with a blanket of Love has not really fixed my knee-jerk reactions to certain situations--or people. Recognizing toxic words or actions has been a really clarifying process (no pun intended). My response to this question has given me peace in more than one situation and has helped me figure out some decisions for, well, the direction of the rest of my life. I think that the motive behind words are what determines if something is toxic or not. If you are looking to stir the pot then maybe it isn't such a good idea to open your mouth.

This is a fairly vague blog, on purpose. There are some very clear elements in my life that I find are toxic. Some are self-inflicted, and some are found in the community of which I have been part of for many years. Toxicity sucks the joy, companionship, friendship, and respect out of a group of people faster than straight-up anger. Why? Because it is insidious. You don't even really know it is happening until you realize that your general emotional response to anything related to the group is downright revulsion. And I would rather be angry than repulsed.

In addition, I look for when and where I might be spreading toxic emotions or words. 'Cause that ish just isn't acceptable. Hold your tongue. Respect the other person. Listen. Appreciate. Build them up, don't prove yourself. Perfect? Hell no. Life is a process, and this is just one more step towards becoming the person that I am ok leaving behind when I die.

Trust

Trust means you're ready to risk what you currently have.

Mevlana Rumi (1207 - 1273)

for a new beginning

for a new beginning

In out of the way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

~ John O'Donohue ~



“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

~ J.S. Foer ~

Of Love and Introspection

It is not often that I am asked "What does it mean to love/be in love?"  This question was brought up in a very blunt and surprising setting not too long ago (this week) and as I ponder it more and more I realize that I have so many answers and many experiences to draw from.  Consequently, I feel the need to write them down. It is all still a jumble in my head so let's get organized. None of this is earth-shattering or new, I just feel as though "2011: Year of Change", has really impacted me in this particular area and I would like to clarify my thoughts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all started with being told when I was 18 that love is a choice. You simply choose to love someone or not.

Then, someone said that love is simply the reflection of yourself in another person. You love them because you love yourself and see yourself in them.

I have also been told that love is total acceptance of another person. Not trying to change anything about them, but simply appreciating them as another person with all their beauty and flaws.

Interesting.

Often I find that we fall in love someone because we love the 'idea' of them. We have this grand perspective of who they are and conjure up a personality that we think they have and when it is proven wrong we get upset and fall out of love. I find this to be true with both friendship and romance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So what did I say to this exceedingly deep question? I boiled it down to these main ideas and we rambled on for quite some time about it. Here is a more focused summary:

~ I feel as though love is based on respect. It is not just about total acceptance of another person. You have to uphold yourself and if you let go of all opinion or sense of self then you can lose yourself in that person. When you respect someone you have still created the boundaries of your own personality and asked them to do the same. Mutual respect is absolutely necessary for love to grow. Because respecting doesn't just mean accepting the other person, it means you encourage them to be themselves in all aspects of life - hobbies, emotions, lifestyle, opinions, etc - and you ask them to do the same for you. 

~ Trust comes from respect, but is still an element that deserves it's own spot. Positive emotions grow from trusting another person. Nothing kills love faster than jealousy, neediness, co-dependence, or demanding 'things'. When was the last time that someone demanded something from you were you thrilled to oblige? Also, when you trust someone then their actions are not questioned nor is their love. It creates a feeling of simply knowing. Trust creates comfort and love resides where there is comfort.

~ Communication then can happen once respect and trust are established. And I don't mean the kind of communication that is based on 'you should' or 'I want' - rather the kind that creates more understanding and growth in the relationship. Sometimes it comes in the form of asking their likes, or being able to stand up for something that you need in order to be fulfilled. But always, it comes back to not having any guilt attached to the communication and what does that mean? Respect.

~ It is difficult to have love without passion. You could say passion in the intimate and physical chemistry sense of the word, but in terms of loving a friend you still have passion - even if you will never make it to the bedroom =). That other person sparks a part of you that isn't often touched. It could be a sense of humor, shared delight in climbing trees, being spontaneous, eating gelato, discussing politics, or live music - no matter what it is there is a little extra brightness between you that isn't created with other people.

Again, I know none of these things are new ideas. They are simply thoughts manifesting themselves and being put into practice in so many areas of my life. It was fun to be asked this question by someone I hardly knew. They had no idea I have been giving it serious thought for the past oh, say, year and a half. Thanks.


"I’ve done everything in my life that I’ve wanted to do except just give and feel love for my living. And I don’t mean like: Roman-candle-firework-Hollywood-hot-pink-love. I mean like: I-got-your-back-love!"

2011: Year of Sophomore Albums that Don't Suck

Usually a sophomore album is forgettable...pale in comparison to the original release...shallow and overproduced...less of the artist and more of the company that snatched them up.
However, 2011 has proved me wrong three different times. And this is a time when I am perfectly happy being completely wrong. If you have more follow-up releases that you would like to make note of pleeeease share!!

1. Bon Iver - Bon Iver

Holy balls, Justin has a voice and a sound that better not go away anytime soon. I was so in love with For Emma, Forever Ago I had serious doubts about his self-titled album that came out right before I left for Roadtrip of Winning. The album quickly became my soundtrack and I can't hear any of the tracks without daydreaming of solitude and the open road.



2. Florence + the Machine - Ceremonials

Could this woman get any more fucking epic? I don't think so. Sweeping melodies, full choirs, diverse instrumentation, and lyrics that tug at the heart. I was braced for mediocrity, or a bunch of songs that just sound the same...and was met with exactly the opposite. She keeps her sound, and yet shows artistic growth at the same time. Beautiful.



3. Drake - Take Care

I have a soft spot for Drake. He could be just another pretty face on the pop charts. No, he isn't. He has hooks, a unique sound, and can spin a lyric that makes you want to hit repeat. Switching back and forth between rap and singing with a liquidity that makes me * swoon *.  I am digging his second album almost as much as his first. Can't wait to see where this kid goes...


Drake // Marvin's Room ( Official Video ) by AROBAISE

Stress-Hardy and Resiliant

During an extremely random search on the psychology behind smiles (don't ask) I stumbled on this blog. Written by a woman I would love to meet someday, she outlines what she finds to be traits of people who can say "Stick it." to the stress and changes in life and make shit happen in a positive and healthy way. How is your stress-hardiness?

On another, somewhat related note, I watched the movie Invictus for the first time this weekend. Damn, that is a good movie.

Traits of Stress-Hardy, Resilient People
1. They have a sense of meaning, direction, and purpose. They are value-centered rather than reactive and defensive. They understand that emotions are great sources of energy and motivation but are often poor guides for action. Instead these people use their values as guidesThey realize that the quality of our lives depends on how we focus our energy and our attention. They try to align their thoughts and actions with their values. They know how to motivate themselves to take action.

2. They don’t judge themselves or others harshly when things go wrong. They focus on what they want, not on what they don’t want.

3. They are able to tolerate ambiguity, uncertainty, and imperfection. They have a long-range perspective, so they give themselves and others room to grow. They can afford to be resilient, flexible, and creative because they are centered in their values.

4. They are reasonably optimistic and have a sense of humor. Even though they are dedicated to doing things well, they don’t take themselves too seriously.

5. They take responsibility for their mental programming, their emotions, and their actions. If they have ineffective ways of thinking and behaving, they evaluate them and make appropriate changes.

6. They look at adversity as a challenge rather than as a threat. They realize that no matter how the present situation turns out, they will learn and grow from it.

7. They respect themselves and other people. They have a spirit of cooperation, looking for win-win solutions rather than trying to win over other people or ignoring their own wants and needs because of fear.

8. They are grateful for the good things in their lives.

9. They know how to mourn the inevitable losses in life. They know how to let go of things they have no control over.

http://stresstopower.com/blog/traits-of-stress-hardy-resilient-people/

How does she do that?

Billie. Damn, that girl knows what's up.

Between...
her insistently mellow timbre. 
and
lyrics that tug you both ways.


She evokes that which you forgot
and
that which you dare not remember.