West Coast Flows Home

The impact you make on another person with words and actions, while imperceptible at first, is in fact, permanent. Sometimes we like to think we have the right to give counsel; to tell another person how to live their life, based on our own experience is how we make the most change in the world. False.

The people who enter our lives and are so intensely themselves without apology are the ones that leave the biggest mark. Mean the most. Challenge us the most. Provide us with the opportunity to grow and be a true friend -- or flee in selfish fear.

Tonight, as I created the chalk board art to promote the last class with Todd LaBerge at Atlanta Hot Yoga, the tears that have been lurking for weeks started to surface. I honestly can say that Todd has been the most influential person in my life for the past three years. This month marks when I chose to start practicing yoga to expand my physical and social activities. I took a few random classes and then wandered into his groovy West Coast Power Flow class one late Thursday night in Feb 2011. Afterwards he asked why I wasn't in class more often and I said because I couldn't afford it. He called bullshit and told me I could tidy/clean the studio in trade for his class. The rest is history. For the next three years I stacked blocks, cleaned mats, flipped laundry, blew out the candles, and sweated my way through the most unapologetically authentic yoga practices I could have never expected. Tears during savasana, and giggles alongside my new-found yogi neighbors.

Through his generosity I was able to practice yoga. Through his friendship I learned about communication, forthrightness, and how to respect yourself by requiring the respect of others. I learned how to not put every man in the place of my lost father(s). I learned that no teacher is perfect, and that those imperfections are what makes them better than perfect--it makes them real.

Todd gave everything to his students. He talked about wine and ice cream and football. Even when he came in the door a hot mess he was ok with letting that be part of the class which always ended up, somehow, evolving into exactly what every person needed. We all said hello to our right elbow, or cheered on the Falcons/Niners/Whoeverwaswinninghisfantasyleague during this zen-based practice. We grooved like the ocean and shot arrows of love into the future. Prana washed over our bodies like a waterfall in Tahiti, and we always closed class with the universal sound of Om. But damn, everything in-between all the lovey, gooey, juju talk, was an ass kicking of the "who the hell invented this?!" kind. And for that my dancer joints and muscles are appreciative.

So, thank you, Todd. For everything. For loving me in my brokenness, and believing in me as I pushed through some of the hardest years of my life. You are a truly amazing person and I am so grateful that our paths have crossed. You have impacted the life of everyone you taught in Atlanta simply because you were authentic, caring, and generous with your love of the jo-ga. Especially this girl.

I don't get in the habit of missing people very often. Life is too short. But, I am going to say that your presence will be greatly missed. I guess I have one more reason to visit San Francisco, now.

Until then... every little thing, is gonna be alright.

The opposite of love's indifference . . .

"If they only ever talk about themselves the only reason they are talking to you at all is to get in your pants. If they ask questions and invest time in learning about your life, then they actually want to get to know you."

Boom. End of story.

Gotta love it when a conversation about one topic actually clears up a whole lot of bullsh*t about another. Oh yeah, and honest friends. They are the bomb dot com.

Ending this weekend with a hot toddy, cookie, and some chill music. #winning

Checklists: Part 2

Now, to follow-up and finish my previous post on the idea of a checklist...

I don't want to spend this post quoting other people, nor do I want it to run away and turn into "journalesque" reflective rambling. So, I will mix it up and do a small amount of each.

I will start with what a dear friend said to me during a phone conversation last night. While discussing 'where we are' in terms of relationships she made a very accurate analogy. Relationships are like dancing. I had to pause for a second, because I really don't like to relate those two parts of my life. It usually ends up very messy for everyone involved. But, since she is such a good friend I let her continue. ;-)

Relationships are like dancing.
When you first start you jump right in, eager and with all of your being. You want everything right away and can't get enough. You spend ludicrous amounts of time with this new interest. You don't really care if you are doing everything right because it is just so damn fun.
When you hit the intermediate level you think you have it under control--you know what's up. Your attitude is of confidence and flashy moves because "this is how it is supposed to be". Take it or leave it is how you present yourself to your partner because damn straight, you are experienced!
When you hit the advanced stage you throw everything out the window and realize that pretty much everything you thought was right was, in fact, complete bullsh*t. Now, you want the nuts and bolts of things. You care about the little details, about what feels good, and how the other person feels. You want things to actually work, not just magically happen.

I. Dig. This. So. Much.

At the tender age of 27 I feel as though I am slowly moving into the advanced stage. Relationships aren't magic. They don't just work. Nor does your dancing. I am doing so much more reflection on my last few relationships and thinking about the details of what worked and what didn't. (end journal-like rambling)

On to my next point.
I am an organizational freak, and I love checklists. And I mean love. They give me a sense of accomplishment and focus for my slightly ADD, fast-paced brain. So, I felt like after every relationship I 'add' to my checklist of what I want and what I don't want. However, even when everything looks amazing on paper, and he added up, I still wasn't happy. wtf. So, obviously since I was the common element in all of these situations it must be me. The last 8 months have been a hell of a ride of freedom, choices, reflection, growth, and realization. And I have come to some conclusions...that I will share with you in the form of a list for the sake of irony.

1. Don't like what a person does, like how they act. I mean, common activities are all fantastic (and stuff) but the real deal is in like how that person relates with the world around them. How do they treat the person at the checkout? Their server? The homeless person on the street? Are you comfortable with their interactions or are you put off? There really isn't a right or wrong way of dealing with people--beyond the expected politeness--so I am not trying to be judgmental. What it boils down to is, does it jive with you? I tend to be a very open person when dealing with society (as long as the new individual isn't creepy) and I am made more comfortable when the people around me exude a similar confident attitude. Again, not right or wrong. Just an observation.

2. Feeling safe is the bottom line. Why do we end up dating our friends? Because they make us feel safe. There are only 2 people in the world outside of my family who have ever made me feel as though they accepted all the little parts of me that make me, well, me. Good, bad, ugly, funny, weird, serious. And for everyone, not just me, that is a big deal.

3. Communicate. This only happens if point two is reached. You never say what you really mean if you don't feel safe doing it. Either you lack the sense to be afraid (brash and insensitive) or you simply keep your mouth shut because you are too scared to speak the truth. No one wants to feel vulnerable. If you are willing to communicate on an open and honest level then you are completely at the mercy of the other person.

4. Repeat points 1, 2, and 3.

So where does that leave us? Checklists have their place. I know what I want. Hopefully someday I can give what another person wants. But, the bottom line isn't things, stuff, or common activities. (I am being vague on purpose) It is about feeling safe, open communication, and are you comfortable with how that person interacts with the world?

I know that whenever the next time happens there is going to be a lot more understanding, communication respect, and patience--both required and given.