...who you used to be.

Seriously needed to read this today.

It's Only Love That Gets You Through

Sade is one of my go-to artists when I am not quite sure what to put on the speaker box. Lovers Rock is, by far, her best album with Solder of Love (for me) a close second. A friend's post on the facebooks reminded me of her love-centric lyrics, so I put a few of her albums on shuffle on the Friday evening drive to Birmingham. Despite the fact I have heard this song hundreds of times, it finally made sense that night. It is undoubtably her least romantic song (next to Pearls or Immigrant) but now it is tied as a top favorite.

I mean, shit, with three simple, poetic, verses she paints a picture of strength through the emotion we most associate with vulnerability; perseverance and victory through the trials of whatever life the subject has experienced up until this point. It is about not letting bitterness and resentment be your foundation-regardless of your past. Maybe one day, when I write those seven years all down--when it is all out in the open--it will make more sense. Until then, I will just say that this is the perfect Valentines Day song this year. Because, honestly, as cliche as it sounds, it reminds us that we don't need someone To Love in order to love. We just need to, well, love. The rest takes care of itself.

It's Only Love That Get's You Through - Sade
Girl you are rich even with nothing
And you know tenderness comes from pain
It's amazing how you love
And love is kind and love can give
And get no gain

It's down a rugged road you've come
Though you had every reason
You didn't come undone
Somehow you made it to the other side
You didn't suffer in vain

You forgive those who have trespassed against you
And you know tenderness comes from pain
It's amazing how you love
And love is kind and love can give
And love needs no gain



*Smooth Operator came out the year I was born. Sade is also the hottest and oldest Diva. Ever.

Everything and Nothing At All

There are two basic emotions that we operate from: Love and Fear. Everything else is a trickle down feeling.

In reflection of some recent (extremely emotional) personal events and what happened in Boston today I can't help but return to this thought.

Kids are cruel. I see it every. single. day. Adults are simply kids with more access to tools to express their emotions. 

If you react to someone who is different or quirky or weird or unique with an attitude of fear then they learn to be feared. They learn to be afraid. 

And when people are afraid they either withdraw or they lash out. 

So, the next time you want to pass judgement on that person who talks differently, walks differently, or has a commentary different from your train of thought, just pause and reflect. What will you teach them with your actions? Will you teach them fear or will you teach love? 

The craziest thing about all this is how it is against our nature to push back at someone who is nice. Our innermost being of humanity reacts to what is thrown it's way. Be terse with the waiter and you get bad service. Yell at the guy who is going too slow (for you) and they will go slower. Try it.
I don't like living in a world where kindness is met with surprise. 

Be the change you wish to see in the world. Not the preacher of it. You are *not* entitled to jack anything. 

My heart goes out to everyone in Boston. I am deeply saddened by it and humbled by the enormity of our society. My world is but a mere speck and yet I am the sun. Sometimes it is easy to get lost in our lives and forget there are so many other people out there, living simultaneous, unattached, and equally important lives. Hrm. Life. You continue to elude and overpower me. 

In summary, which has nothing to do with this post, Twilight is the most horrifically terrible movie in every way possible: acting, script, color saturation, cinematography, special effects, plot, etc. But, they paid someone to get a hell of a sound track--of which I am shamelessly listening to this week. I really like this song: 

The Perks...

...of Being a Wallflower. Is a much better movie than I expected.

"You accept the love you think you deserve."

"It's not about where you came from, it's where you choose to go from here."

Nailed. It.

(fun soundtrack, too)

Chapters

This could not have popped up on my feed at a better time. Seriously. Don't ever say the universe doesn't have a plan. Or at least a sense of humor. Thanks, this is EXACTLY what I am flipping around in my head and heart these days.

Because my options in life are nearly endless, I have narrowed them down to:
1. Stay and love. Settle down. Work towards a concrete future. I am done with casual. This love hasn't gone anywhere despite time, distance, and distractions.
2. Leave and love. Move to another part of the world where nothing can remind or connect me to my last chapter.

I think the most frightening thing about both of these decisions is that they are pretty much out of my hands. I cannot control either of them. Sure, I can make efforts in either direction, but I am not the final say. So, what to do? Live forward. Love openly. Breath deeply. Trust that it will sort itself out as it always does. In the meantime, I am going to keep my theme song cranked...because if my experiences have taught me anything it is that, yes, anything really could happen...

The opposite of love's indifference . . .

"If they only ever talk about themselves the only reason they are talking to you at all is to get in your pants. If they ask questions and invest time in learning about your life, then they actually want to get to know you."

Boom. End of story.

Gotta love it when a conversation about one topic actually clears up a whole lot of bullsh*t about another. Oh yeah, and honest friends. They are the bomb dot com.

Ending this weekend with a hot toddy, cookie, and some chill music. #winning

If she's amazing...

Yamas 101

Love me some yoga blog links. Needed to bookmark this one and get it off of my browser tab list. Too much other stuff going on :)
Perfect reminder and refresher for my year of LOVE.

1. Ahimsa: nonharming.

2. Satya: truthfulness.

3. Asteya: nonstealing.

4. Brahmacharya: control of desires.

5. Aparigraha: greedlessness.

Volumes have been written about the yamas—this is just a brief introduction to get you started.

So why is all this important? Because kindness and ethical behavior are necessary if you want truehappiness and peace of mind. If you treat yourself badly, you can’t be happy. If you treat others badly, your relationships suffer, but you are also bound to suffer bound to some combination of guilt and anxiety about future consequences.

The yamas help take us away from our usual self-centered mindset and start acting out of love, with consideration for the impact we have on others, and on the world. When we feel good about ourselves and what we do, we can have true peace of mind.

Read the entire post here:

http://www.yoganonymous.com/yoga-philospophy-you-can-use-yamas-101/

Brene Brown: Storyteller Researcher

"Connection is why we're here."

I know this is an older TED talk, but I climbed out from under the rock known as being a teacher this weekend, and watched a slew of educational videos. The two from Brene Brown spoke to me on some very personal levels that I have been digging into recently. Thank, universe, for sending a much more articulate and educated voice to clarify yet another concept that has been put in my path. Courage. "Which means to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."

"Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage."

"Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect."

"The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees."

I could go on and on about what I think, adding quote after quote. But, honestly, the video will say what I will fumble around about for a few sentences and then probably end up erasing anyway. Both videos are worth more than the measly 40 minutes of your life they will take.

"The Power of Vulnerability"



"That's what life is about. It's about daring greatly. It's about being in the arena."

"Shame is an epidemic in our culture."

"Empathy is the anecdote to shame. If you put shame in a petri dish it needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy it can't survive. The two most powerful words when we are in struggle: me too."

"Listening to Shame"

Three fourths

When you start out on a journey there tends to be an end in mind. Sometimes you go on the journey just for the sake of getting out of the house, and sometimes you have another place or time you would like to experience. At the beginning of this year, I set out on a journey of sorts, a resolution that was intended to help sort out the mess of my thus far lived life.

However, there are always bumps along the way--challenges that make the journey worthwhile and force you to figure out if you *really* want to get to the end. Last month I faced heartache like I haven't felt in a very, very long time. Broken trust lead to realization that one must Love with abandon, yet Trust with caution. I found myself asking why was I even doing this in the first place? It is an idealistic endeavor to say the least, riddled with opportunities to be vulnerable to even the slightest interaction.

Two thoughts on that. One, a very good friend said that it is important that I feel the highs and lows of love, because they are what make it real. So true. I will expound in the next paragraph. Two, I am still working out the details about giving and receiving love, which I will discuss when I talk about the book I just finished. I think it is important to not just be a one-way love spout.

So I was waning in my decision to have this be the Year of Love. How silly? Who does this? There is no way of measuring my success. It's not like I can see numbers that show me I have gained love, or lost love, or have given a higher percentage each day. Pounds and blood pressure are easy to measure--matters of the tangible unseen are not. And then I picked up a book that was given to me two years ago, Blue Like Jazz. Apparently the universe wanted me to have a jumpstart, because this book of 'nonreligious thoughts on christian spirituality' was just what I needed. Read on...(thanks, Marcel)

So, when I was younger I always desired to have a middle ground emotional experience. Not crazy highs and lows like I tended towards. This has been found, slowly, through the process of learning acceptance and forming a habitual attitude of love. My yoga practice has reshaped me in so many more ways that just physically. New people or situations are not approached with fear or trepidation but eyes forward and a smile. If things don't work out quite the way I plan I simply accept the new time frame/path/direction and try to help those around me do the same. Needless to say I am much less stressed out. But, there is a downside to this as well. Too much lukewarm acceptance can turn oneself almost emotionally bland. Nothing is really upsetting or really marvelous anymore. So, at this point, the 3/4 mark, I am going to embrace the new-found contentment and add back the spice. After all, no one likes a pushover--and I am unfortunately finding myself being that more often than not. I think it's about time to rekindle some of the passion. Contentment and passion. Yin and yang.

"If you believe something, passionately, people wil follow you. People hardly care what you believe, as long as you believe something. If you are passionate about something, people will follow you because they think you know something they don't, some clue to the meaning of the universe. Passion is tricky, though, because it can point to nothing as easily as it points to something. If a rapper is passionately rapping about how great his rap is, his passion is pointing to nothing. He isn't helping anything. His beliefs are self-serving and shallow. If a rapper, however, is rapping about his community, about oppression and injustice, then he is passionate about a message, something outside himself. What people believe is important. What people believe is more important than how they look, what their skills are, or their degree of passion. Passion about nothing is like pouring gasoline in a car without wheels. It isn't going to lead anybody anywhere." (Miller, p. 109-110)

So, onto the second topic: giving and receiving love. This is, undoubtably, one of the most difficult aspects of this whole journey. It is so difficult to allow love in because of the unknowns it brings. "I can do it myself." has been a lifelong motto that I have been slowly breaking down. But, crazy as it sounds, if you let love in even just a little, and let it out without expectation, life becomes even fuller. Recently, with the experience of intense heartache I realized I still had some patterns of unhealthy love. Withholding and judging, along with trusting before foundations had been built. So, I walked away. I am not holding back,  I am simply not able to be so open and giving without depth of relationship. Taking control instead of reacting has given me so much peace and allowed me to continue to love and have a semblance of a friendship.

"And so I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving it."

Now, there is a lot of God in this book. It is all based around the author's walk in his christianity and faith. Do I agree with everything? Am I seeking how or why to be a christian again? No. Absolutely not. However, I enjoy reading books that challenge and support me. Uplift and raise questions. To stop learning about life is to basically accept existing.

Speaking of such things, I went out last night to a scene that I rarely spend time. A new friend works in Buckhead and invited me out to a block party. So, free beverages and my cowgirl boots gave me some courage to spend time with a new person and a few hundred strangers--all of who were simply existing. As I looked around the spectacle it struck me how dead so many people really are. Numbed by looking for eye-candy, drinking alcohol, and sort of dancing to loud music, it was almost like watching zombies. I mean, these people have stupid amounts of money and yet are not living like they give a damn about anyone around them. I had some moments of judgement that melted into sadness for a generation that I share, full of people I have no desire to ever really talk to. Luckily my acquaintance does not fall in that category and we had a few laughs, I met some of his friends, and then made my way home at the decent hour of 2am.

In summary, I feel as though the heartache, book, and expansion of social circle, in recent months have done a solid number on my resolution. Ups and downs are good; they build character. At three quarters of the way through the year I am recommitted. My short-term goal is to make it through the year continually developing the habit of love. My long term goal is to not have to think about it, but to simply be.

Checklists: Part 2

Now, to follow-up and finish my previous post on the idea of a checklist...

I don't want to spend this post quoting other people, nor do I want it to run away and turn into "journalesque" reflective rambling. So, I will mix it up and do a small amount of each.

I will start with what a dear friend said to me during a phone conversation last night. While discussing 'where we are' in terms of relationships she made a very accurate analogy. Relationships are like dancing. I had to pause for a second, because I really don't like to relate those two parts of my life. It usually ends up very messy for everyone involved. But, since she is such a good friend I let her continue. ;-)

Relationships are like dancing.
When you first start you jump right in, eager and with all of your being. You want everything right away and can't get enough. You spend ludicrous amounts of time with this new interest. You don't really care if you are doing everything right because it is just so damn fun.
When you hit the intermediate level you think you have it under control--you know what's up. Your attitude is of confidence and flashy moves because "this is how it is supposed to be". Take it or leave it is how you present yourself to your partner because damn straight, you are experienced!
When you hit the advanced stage you throw everything out the window and realize that pretty much everything you thought was right was, in fact, complete bullsh*t. Now, you want the nuts and bolts of things. You care about the little details, about what feels good, and how the other person feels. You want things to actually work, not just magically happen.

I. Dig. This. So. Much.

At the tender age of 27 I feel as though I am slowly moving into the advanced stage. Relationships aren't magic. They don't just work. Nor does your dancing. I am doing so much more reflection on my last few relationships and thinking about the details of what worked and what didn't. (end journal-like rambling)

On to my next point.
I am an organizational freak, and I love checklists. And I mean love. They give me a sense of accomplishment and focus for my slightly ADD, fast-paced brain. So, I felt like after every relationship I 'add' to my checklist of what I want and what I don't want. However, even when everything looks amazing on paper, and he added up, I still wasn't happy. wtf. So, obviously since I was the common element in all of these situations it must be me. The last 8 months have been a hell of a ride of freedom, choices, reflection, growth, and realization. And I have come to some conclusions...that I will share with you in the form of a list for the sake of irony.

1. Don't like what a person does, like how they act. I mean, common activities are all fantastic (and stuff) but the real deal is in like how that person relates with the world around them. How do they treat the person at the checkout? Their server? The homeless person on the street? Are you comfortable with their interactions or are you put off? There really isn't a right or wrong way of dealing with people--beyond the expected politeness--so I am not trying to be judgmental. What it boils down to is, does it jive with you? I tend to be a very open person when dealing with society (as long as the new individual isn't creepy) and I am made more comfortable when the people around me exude a similar confident attitude. Again, not right or wrong. Just an observation.

2. Feeling safe is the bottom line. Why do we end up dating our friends? Because they make us feel safe. There are only 2 people in the world outside of my family who have ever made me feel as though they accepted all the little parts of me that make me, well, me. Good, bad, ugly, funny, weird, serious. And for everyone, not just me, that is a big deal.

3. Communicate. This only happens if point two is reached. You never say what you really mean if you don't feel safe doing it. Either you lack the sense to be afraid (brash and insensitive) or you simply keep your mouth shut because you are too scared to speak the truth. No one wants to feel vulnerable. If you are willing to communicate on an open and honest level then you are completely at the mercy of the other person.

4. Repeat points 1, 2, and 3.

So where does that leave us? Checklists have their place. I know what I want. Hopefully someday I can give what another person wants. But, the bottom line isn't things, stuff, or common activities. (I am being vague on purpose) It is about feeling safe, open communication, and are you comfortable with how that person interacts with the world?

I know that whenever the next time happens there is going to be a lot more understanding, communication respect, and patience--both required and given.