Wednesday, December 3, 2008

early spring . . .


Life is full of beautiful irony.
Today has been gorgeous.
No internet. No electricity. Or message from the mechanic.
Good call on the bike ride into town.
Good call on the warm scarf.


Sometimes a comfort.
Sometimes a bore.
You seek it. You revolve your very being around being able to know what comes next.
Uncomfortably shifting in your skin.
We like to know how the story ends.
What the main characters do next.
But we thrive on adventure.
The unknown.
The inability to predict.
I seek you not.


Then, as in all the wise people in my life say, when you meet 'that' person it is the easiest thing in the world.
You don't wonder what they are thinking.
You don't doubt them.
They are moving along at the same pace in life.
They don't stifle you.
They understand you as an individual and enjoy you for who you are.
I tend to agree


So, am I happy?
That is such a multifaceted question that has a myriad of answers.
Deep down I am content.
On the surface I am anxious.
Deep down I am broken.
On the surface I am eager.
Happiness is a shallow emotion that is brought about by petty pleasures. Momentary. Selfish.
My conflicting emotions cause a distaste for such courtesies as happiness.
I am happy to think about you. I am happy to think you return the sentiment.
But you are not the source of my internal, eternal happiness. No one is. Or ever will be.
That is my promise.


No matter how hard we try to make everything perfect, it will never be. There will always be histories. Broken hearts. Lost love. Rejection. Hurt.
We all come into a relationship with baggage. No one is perfect or free from such things.
And that is o.k.
We must, however, realize how to deal with them. Because we all have experienced this grand adventure that brings us immeasurable joy and pain. Love.
I just hope I don't fuck up too badly.