Sunday, February 15, 2009

that's what she said

There is something undeniably fullfilling about putting pen to paper. A simple flourish can accent a particular mood. The simplicity of text is rewarding, but does not evoke the same personality when read.

I shall try my best.

So many thoughts have been swirling around in my conciousness as of late. I just cannot find the time or energy to sort them all out and create order.
My life is moving along. I have few complaints or angst to spill out on the page. Those parts of me that are hurting or missing will remain private - I tend to nurse my wounds in selclusion thank you very much. There is little point in spilling it all out...unless you thrive on people petting your head and saying "It's o.k. dearie." If you know me at all you know I am not that type.

Certain people in my life seem to be put there for me to learn. I am not sure what, though. Maturity? Relaxation? Acceptance? Leadership? One wonders about ones own quality when they are aggravated by other personalities. I tend to think of myself as fairly accepting...but there are times when I am too critical - and that irks me. I think that is something I will be more aware of...and change in the present time. After all, how often has my personality rubbed others the wrong way? I can only imagine. I have been called arrogant and cold - both of which I don't identify with. It just goes to show you how perspective is everything.

Dance is a perfect example of this...I have been pondering how the whole social ladder works. It is a strange little subculture with a mysterious social pecking order. That goes for competitions, teachers, and 'cool kids'. No matter how many competitions you don't win somehow you can be a judge? Good teacher does not equal good competitor. Good competitor does not equal good teacher. Winning though, does equal cool kid. That seems to be a common theme though in life - and all other sports/activities. Another interesting point about perspective is our perspective of our ability. I have a fairly critical eye when it comes to my dancing. As a goal oriented person I am always reaching for more, always looking for improvement. When movement becomes routine I try to break it. As someone who has settled for less for years...and barely squeeked by...I love a good reality check about my skill level. It is humbling, rewarding, and very human.
Dance is a joy for me. I have lost that in the past year, and only recently rediscovered the magic. Competition has stripped me bare of my perspectives, and also built up confidence. At the moment I think I am going to step back from such goals and work on the joy aspect.
I recently met someone who reminded me that not all 'cool kids' are in it for the spotlight. Being joyful while dancing is not so overrated after all . . .

Enough on that rant...I don't think I am making sense anymore.

My work is finally settling down into being not completely insane. I am getting a grasp on lesson plans, scheduling, pre-planning, and my lab. It has taken over 20hrs of 'overtime' to get all 30 computers up and running with their correct modules and software functional. It has been a slow process, but now that it is working I feel so much more 'whole' about my classroom. The kids are about to wrap up their first module and then we are going to close the quarter with some team projects. Marble rollercoasters, egg protection devices, and bridges will soon fill my room. There is something incredible about a child learning, creating, designing, and building. Hands on activites are in short supply for the average child. Many of them cannot solve simple problems - or even use scissors with any dexterity. Not only do I want them to learn about the evils...ahem...wonders of technology, but I strive to open their worlds to the satisfaction of creating.

That person who you used to tell everything to is no longer on the other end. Caught between intense anger and overwhelming sadness, I only allow myself to even touch that emotional connection on rare occasions. It is so easy to only remember the good things when you are hurting. I remind myself of the frustrations. Of the disagreements. Of the unemotional voice. Of the inabilty to connect. It was amazing and confusing. I felt fullfilled and completely empty at the same time. It was complete and on the surface, entirely shallow. I miss my friend. But, I don't think I was ready.

When are we ready? Months, days, years? It has been august of 2007 since I have allowed myself to be 'in a relationship'. I have entertained the idea, and been very close to quite a few people since. I have carried out the actions and played the part, and yet never succumbed to the term 'relationship'. I have refused to be committed to anyone. Refused to love. Refused to be loved. Stuck in limbo, I feel dull. Worn down. Unable to pick a side, sometimes I wonder if I am broken, or just waiting with the sense of knowing there is 'more out there'. All I know is that all the logic in the world solves nothing when it comes to matters of the heart.

And so I will sit and drink my tea, eat my chocolate chip muffin, and continue to reflect while enjoying my Alcove.

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